Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Battles of the sexes?

Zues, I just caught up with your post in Julie's last thread comparing lack of sex for women vs. lack of sex for men. It might not be the same, I don't know. But I do know that in our culture, women are supposed to be the "object" of desire, lusted after, wanted, and as a woman who is continually rejected it really wears on my self esteem, self worth and feeling like a "woman." Funny you describe the low sex drive as 1-2 x per week. That is what I call my high drive. 1-2x per week would be heaven for me.

Fo

It does wear on you to not feel like an object of desire. It's probably more that spouses take us for granted just as we do them. I Wish I could have my youth back, knowing what I know now. Husbands, if you want your wives to want more sex, just make her feel beautiful and desired. I was actually fantasizing about some aquaintance I met that heavily complimented me. This guy was no one I would go for, so I guess it's me just wanting to be the object of desire. So I agree with you

If husband came back, I don't feel any sexual attraction for him at all. Basically I lost all respect for him as a man. He is someone that abandoned me.
What i feel like saying, " by walking out on us and expecting my parents to support us you have failed as a husband, father, and human being. I am ashamed for you"

How would i regain attraction and respect for him if we did reconcile?

I had asked him back in October when he told me he "could not " reconcile if he was still attracted to me ( I know pathetic pursuing) He told me that he suspected he would always be attracted to me because he would not have married me if he wasn't. we had a lot of probems with our sex life...both of us. I don't even think it was just one feeling completely rejected. We both did. It literally became a physical challenge.

Yes, I have been learning a lot about how many varying viewpoints there are on sex/SSM since BD that would have been good to know ages ago. It would have also helped immensely for H and I to actually have a conversation regarding expectations around sex before we got married. To be honest, I am not sure we have ever had one single thoughtful/detailed conversation about our sex life. How sad is that???

I honestly don't think I will understand how painful our SSM was for my H at least not in the way that you describe, Zeus. Does not mean that I haven't found empathy and compassion for H in this regard. It actually brings me to tears to know my H was living in silent torture for so many years. It is made no better by the fact that something could have been done about it.

I do feel that women have it harder in divorce situations. Although I know many of you men don't feel like that now. An older man can easily find a younger female to start a new family with. I don't think it is as easy for a female. How can we compete? I know this is so sterotypical and it really depends on the situation and people involved. I know that I wouldn't want a man my age that is looking to date women 20 years younger then them. I know a few men who have actually married significantly older women.
It doesn't matter though. I just know I wish I could be entering the dating world looking like I did when I met my husband. IF I honestly assess the situation, I know Im in a decent position to meet someone. But I am still very afraid to start over at this point in my life.

Bt13, he played role in it. You were taking on a lot of responsibilities back then, and you are doing same now. I know they say cheating is a symptom. I don't buy that. Cheating is a choice. I don't believe there is ever an excuse for it. Anyone that says that, is lying to themselves. You might have shared a role in marriage's decline but not in his choice to cheat. It is the ultimate betrayal.
I was loyal to my husband despite a lot of sexual downs we encountered during our relationship. I made a choice that I would never cheat. Many of the men on these boards were loyal as well.

I agree that I needed my H to make me feel more like his girlfriend/wife than mom, but I now realize that I put myself in that position by taking on the role of his caretaker. That is were I went wrong. Also, I think it is also our shared responsibility to make sure that we believe we feel desirable on our own. I own my own self confidence and I did myself no favors by gaining weight and letting myself go a bit.

That does not mean my H should have not listened to my needs that I was expressing. I still believe a healthy sex life takes two to make happen, not just one "just doing it". Maybe that is the independent/feminist side of me coming out. Maybe that viewpoint sets me up for failure in any future relationship.



I guess the thing to consider is that somewhere along the way your H had already lost respect for you and that is probably partially why you are here. I mean it does not seem like there can be much respect left with the WAS to allow them do what they do at BD, especially with those having As. I am not saying it always 100% legitimate or that they bothered to discuss the issues that lead to the disrepect. I know I lost my H's with my hurtful words when I would fight unfair. Should he really have to tell me to not call him names??

Bt13, you are right. He did not value me anymore and was trying to find things to Help devalue me instead of looking at it rationally. I am happy that by GAL I have regained my value.

I used to be fun and flirtatious and laughed a lot and played a lot of practical jokes when we first met. Then I became boring and settled and lazy and complacent as the marriage went on. I was following my parents foot steps. Not dressing up, not going out, no fun, very conservative, no more letting loose, kids come first in the most helicopter mom way.

I am trying to get that part of me back now.

Bt13...I love that saying "I own my own self confidence".

hey battle of the sexes,

I made a terrible mistake when I got married, for what ever reason I decided to not say I love you until after sex with my W. I thought this would open the door to sex and W would want it all the time. I know now how stupid that was. How controlling that was and manipulative. I shouldn't have don't it and would never do that again.

Sex is a big deal for me and when it faded the input I got was she thought it was a phase for me I would get over it. She wanted me to just go back to how I lived before marriage. But I was a virgin and she was my first, and it just opened up a whole new world for me that I didn't want to close. I did get obsessed about it, I couldn't even look at my W with out wanting it. And if it was a back rub, I wanted more than that. I realize now that I needed to have some control but the desire was too great. I couldn't touch my W with out wanting sex. Soon she didn't want me to touch her because of that.

Now I am with out sex for seven months and I never thought I could live with out it. I always thought if it got to this point I would have moved on to another woman for the companionship. I don't know if its love for my W that I am still here or that I am so co dependent that I cant let go. If I do feel I am letting go I find I am looking for another woman to hang on to. This limbo is a terrible place to be.

Well, unfortunately, if I understand Zeus correctly, all of that other stuff I did accounts for very little since my H was not getting fulfilled sexually. I think my H and Zeus are a lot a like and it adds up to being here. My H actually said after BD that he would have asked for D three years ago if he did not have too much else on his plate with his schooling. I know this was probably his A talking, but it does show a complete lack of appreciation for how hard his schooling was on me, our M, and what my contributions where to allow him to go to school. I actually blame most of our M issues on my Hs school. Which was enhanced by poor relationship skills on both our ends.

But I agree, here is never any reason to have an A and I do not believe I deserved that to happen.