Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need support navigating the change in my marriage

G8r I am so sorry you are here. You have come to the right place to help with your M, but mostly to help with you. You will hear a bunch of advice that seems wrong, but it is best to just listen to the vets, they have great advice.

This is going to be a long journey. There is no magic words or actions that can help you quickly. But time can be a gift if you allow it to be a gift.

Step one is to gather some solid goals for yourself. Things you can achieve results with and measure. We can help push you (kicking and screaming) down the right path.

Post as often as you need to, it really helps.

Hi Mona52,

Thank you for stopping by an offering words of encouragement. They are always appreciated, particularly now.

I hear you about working on myself and setting goals. That's about all I can do right now. Already figured out that any R talk or talk about om just creates unneeded tension and possible arguments, plus it seems to push the W towards the om.

I've also noticed that since I've dropped those topics, my W will say things to bait me into an argument. Tough to walk away but that's what I'm working on.

Thank you again for your support.

W IM'ed me earlier today to let me know that D3 got her fingers stuck in the car door today. Her fingers were bruised but not broken. Poor thing. Instead of getting angry with W, I let her know that I knew it was an accident and mentioned that she shouldn't beat herself up over it. She said she felt horrible so I validated he'd feelinhs.

Well, this evening W was tossing out passive aggressive barbs like they were candy. I also could hear the IM on her phone going off constantly and I assume most of them were from the om. Guess the earlier validation knocked a pebble from her wall. Normally I would be annoyed by the phone and / or defended my actions against her comments. Proud of myself for doing neither. Well, that only leaves another hundred million or so pebbles to go.

Continue journaling.

W and I have a difference of opinion as to why the sex started to wane. She believes that I've never been attracted to her. Doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't have dated her and asked her to marry me if I didn't think she was attractive. I will admit that she did become less attractive at this time but it was because she was so depressed that she couldn't find a job in her field after earning a Ph.D. (kind of like us moped LBHs). I didn't admit it at the time but I also become a bit resentful that she continued to insist I still wear a condom because being pregnant was the last thing she wanted to be if she received a job offer. My head agreed with her but my heart didn't and I failed to tell her this because I didn't want to be selfish. I guess I was being selfish by hiding my true feelings.

Regardless, she eventually found a job in a slightly different field (that she loves more than she ever thought she would), we got married and moved to a different state for her new job. I resigned and followed her despite not having a new job lined up.

Nice work not taking her barb bait! I still fall for it every time.

Im not saying you are wrong, but try and remember you cant believe what they say right now. Im not saying your sex life was fine, i'm just saying dont be surprised if the real reason for her dropping the bomb is something totally unrelated.

You should listen to her and if you feel she is correct, and if you want to, work on yourself and make yourself better for yourself. But never believe blindly that they are ever telling you what their real true issues are.

The good news is that if her whole issue was sex, that is so easily fixed. Google has zillions of 'helpful' sites on what us crazy women actually want.

Still waiting on some goals. Things you want to do for you. If you turn yourself into a man only a fool would leave she will be helpless.

G8r, it sounds like we have similar sitch and similar problems communicating with W. Like Mona said we can't believe any of what S says right now. My W also tries to start fights just to wrestle back control. stay calm. Be happy for you stay calm. It's not easy when your insides are tearing apart.

Hi Mona52 and Tyler12,

You gave me a much needed boost this morning.

I couldn't find my keys this morning as was looking all around. Eventually I decided to check the W's purse since I couldn't find them and we occasionally have been known to accidentally take the other person's keys. Sure enough, they were there.

Unfortunately, a list on a piece of paper caught my eye so I looked at it. I try my best not to snoop but I decided to take a look at it. Turns out it's a list of questions for an attorney to answer along with the words "phone consultation" and a couple of time periods. The reality that she's preparing to see a lawyer to start divorce proceedings (or at minimum to investigate it) hit me like a ton of bricks.

I lost it and spent most of my time walking our dog crying and praying as well as most of my trip to work crying and praying. I guess I haven't detached myself as nearly as well as I thought. Looks like I was fooling myself.

It didn't help that I also noticed an unopened pregnancy test kit. We were trying to have a 2nd kid this summer before this my sitch started and she cut me off completely in the sex department on 7/31/16. We both really wanted more kids and now I think she is trying with the om. Grrrrr.... That is my red line of absolute NO return. There would no longer be any chance of R.

I certainly will NOT be her friend and I doubt that I would ever speak to her again beyond the cordial exchange of necessary information for a child exchange if we get a D. My W knows that I was previously married and I haven't spoken to that XW in 12 years (fortunately no children) since the D proceedings. I'm fairly certain that would be the case if she got pregnant by the om. I really and truly don't want to hurt my D3 but the pain, anger and resentment that I would have against my current W would be too much. Interestingly, she told me she would resent me with every fiber of her being for the rest of her life if I insisted that she give the om up when we were still having R talks (I should have at that point but I think it's too late to do that now) but she thinks I'm selfish when the shoe is on the other foot.

Interestingly, during our fighting over the past 4 months (we really never fought more than 1 or 2 times a year prior to this) she has complained that she doesn't want our D3 to see and hear the things she heard during her parent's D. Now her birth parents don't speak to each other at all. I warned her that I don't want things to turn out that way for our D3 when I was still having R talks with her. Seems like my W wants our D3 to have the same family dynamics that she had and still has despite her protests that she wants what is best for our D3. I know I need to think of my D3 first and I'm trying but I don't know that I could speak to my W any more than that if she gets pregnant by the om. I've been praying to do right by my D3.

Got to stay calm. Nothing is certain at this point. Plus I was thinking about contacting a L to protect myself although I'm not interested in a D at this point; however, I may reconsider in the future and automatically if she gets pregnant.

Goals

Continue to be a great father. My W continues to say that I'm a great dad to our D3.

Increase the pass rate of students in my classes by 20%.

Lose another 15 pounds

Add body core exercises (push ups and sit ups) to my routine. Maybe start taking a yoga class. I like to stretch and it looks good for strengthening one's core.

Reduce procrastination. My W has added this to her list of complaints and it's something I should address for myself.

YES - you should, anyone that you contact can not represent her.

Just because you get a free consultation does not mean that you are not standing for your marriage.

Knowledge is Power and that can't hurt you.
Do not share any of this information with her.

Awesome goals!

Okay, How will you continue to be a great father? What are one or 2 things you can take an action and DO to be a great father?

What would be the first step in increasing the pass rate? What do you teach????

What action or goal will help you in this area. Do you want to eat better? What is the first step for this?

How often will you do these body core exercises?

We can talk about procrastination later.