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Mutatio, I'm catching up on your sitch and haven't read it all yet. I've been in limbo for 15 months and have been where you are now. I totally agree with Roiste. You need to focus on you. If you feel like you can't be in the room with her because you aren't able to "act as if", then go somewhere else in the house. I still do that often.

Have you read, "Co-Dependent No More"?

***hugs***

E

Mutatio, I feel lately that I have nothing to add to your threads so I've been quiet but following you. My kids fight all the time but they are still small so I can break it up, I certainly hope they aren't still doing it when they are in full grown bodies. I remember once my brother hit me when I was maybe 16 and he was 15, he hit me in the face and broke my glasses in half ON my face. My Dad went ballistic and guess what? He never touched me again. Actually we are having a very nice conversation via text as I am posting this. All better, good sibling relationship with no violence in 30 years. So I think you did the right thing. But your daughter can't put her hands on him either. Parenting can really suck sometimes.


I started really dropping the rope a couple of weeks ago and it has helped so much. Dropping the rope literally feels like a weight off my shoulders. I stand a little straighter, see things a little brighter, music even sounds better. Its like a long time ago when we watched tv on an antenna and you sometimes had to move the antenna a bit to get a better focus? Well, when I dropped the rope suddenly everything clicked into focus a little better. It's hard to explain but EVERY thing feels better. Drop that rope. Ironically since I dropped it suddenly it seems like H is hovering over me. Asking me a lot of questions. Actually to the point where it is annoying, I want my space. A few times he has asked me if I wanted to go to the store with him, or whatever, and I really didn't and said so. Just 2 weeks ago I would have been out the door and in his car so fast to anyplace he asked me, even if I didn't want to go. So that's how I know its really dropped, and not just me acting as if.

If you can find a way to detach for real you will feel so much better. Maybe your welding class will be a part of it.

Take care, Mutatio. Have a good night.

Mu, I'm so happy you're in a better mood.

Something that helps me too, is thinking about under which circumstances I would take back my H. Would I want him back the way he is now - a complete emotional, selfish mess? NO. Absolutely not. He would have to do as much work as I am and have been doing, otherwise we'd be miserable again.

Thank you ladies, your support is heartfelt.

Elly, I was talking to IC today and I said how I wrote here "my wife can crush me with a word or make my heart sing with another" and she said that is clearly codependency. I did read that book but I think I will start to read it again tonight. IC recommended another book, I'll post the title later. Thanks for the advice Elly, I must give her the space she needs now and learn to walk away to do it.

Thanks Fo, I have sensed a change in you writing. I am happy for you. Your change seem to have brought peace to your house and yourself. You deserve it. I think I can't drop the rope because I am still codependent. I must focus on overcoming it. Then I think the other pieces will fall into place.

Hi Gmum, your are right about the WAS needing to do serious work on themselves. I would not be happy with my wife and her old heavy baggage. She'll need new baggage with swivel wheels because I'm done carry her baggage for her.

Exactly!

LOL!!!

I can tell you that I have read it twice and still have a problem. Even tonight, H was distant and I wanted to follow him and find out what was wrong and get approval from him somehow.

I've come so far....and yet nowhere at the same time.

Elly, yes this is exactly how I feel. I am hoping that I get better control of my codependency issue I can be more effective in my life.

The book my IC recommended is:

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody

Have you read it ?

I have enjoyed other books and articles of Pia Mellody's work. She is very readable and understandable. Not for the faint hearted.

I have returned to this journey this week Mu. Welcome.

I am re-reading "The New Codependancy - Help and Guidance for today's Generation by Melodie Beattie." I started in on the weekend.

Mu you have had some big shifts this week. Be kind to yourself as you read. Self compassion is a first step.

Lots of Love Mu.


JellyBxxx

Mu have you heard of the Mankind Project? I have found that men's work was a huge help with my co-dependence. Robert Greene also espouses strong male bonds and men's work in NMMNG.

Is there a men's group in your area perhaps?

PP

I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.