Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Looking forward to the new year

Mutatio, I hate being sick and rundown. I can function, took kids out all day, but I'm just sluggish and throat hurts and running on caffeine. Makes it hard to have a positive outlook. Thanks for the concern though.

Thank you Anna, rouky, and GMum. I hope all of us get to have a much better 2016!

Julie, these are words to the wise. I am working on becoming wise, so I'm copying these down for myself! It's funny, I'm letting H go, because he seems to need it so badly. Trying to hold on to him was causing us both such intense pain. I still haven't entirely given up on him.

I just keep telling myself that his actions are so out of character for who I know him to be, that he is obviously going through something - it's just something I can't help him with. Letting him go seems to be giving him some peace, but I hate it!

On the other hand, I haven't completely given up hope. I've just given up hope, for now. Who knows what the future will bring? I just know that the damage he is inflicting on himself is so great that he is going to need me to be super-strong if he ever comes back to himself...and super-strong is not even close to how I'd describe myself at the moment.

My plan is to just keep working on me. I'm going to work hard on getting myself out of here. He's killing me slowly, and I just can't deal with it anymore. So, me, me, and me.

One day, I hope to see him return, hat in hand. I want to be strong and forgiving if that day comes. I've got a lot of work to do to get to that point. So your list? Brilliant! Thanks for sharing.

That's a great list.

Julie, yes! This is exactly how I feel yet haven't been able to express. This is why I DB, because if I didn't have a "plan" and a strategy I would have filed already and that isn't what I want.

But think about it, by NOT following your feelings you actually ARE following your beliefs. You are not the one walking away, he is. He is not following your beliefs, but you are sticking by yours. You are honoring your commitment, your vows, and your belief of sticking by your spouse when things are rough. You are a shining example of your beliefs. So, go ahead, and trust yourself. Your feelings, maybe they can mislead you but as you said they are all over the place, trust your plan, trust your beliefs, be calm and secure in that you know what you stand for.

Fo,

The problem is I do not have any definitive plan or strategy. Instead I am in this perpetual state of limbo.

I get this feeling that right now husband and I are both waiting for the other to make first move. I could be wrong. But I think that husband feels that since he brought up his wish for reconciliation and I brought him to court, that the next move is mine. I feel like he is the one that left me and rejected me early on and should therefore be responsible for initiating.
What do others think that have been keeping up with my situation?

I also know that being in limbo does not affect husband as much as It does me. He is more independent then me. He is an only child. He has freedom to come and go as he wishes without any responsibility other then every other weekend. And his mom does everything anyway. He could go on a lot longer then me because he is absorbed with work. He can only focus on one thing at a time and usually it is work or his car. I can easily see him saying something like "If she wants to go on this way, that's on her. I have work to do. No time for that". I am constantly thinking about relationship and my future and children and everything else. I do not have patience. And this situation is what is on my mind 24/7. My GAL is limited because of young kids. I do work but only part time. Most importantly, Limbo means I am depriving myself of companionship and intimacy. Something I would very much like. I like having a partner and comradeship.

I do not know if we are capable of having a successful marriage or partnership. I no longer trust him or respect him. I do not want his parents marriage.

I need a plan and I'm not sure what it should be...
1. Continue to wait for him to initiate reconciliation. If he does make decision to
reconcile, I gain a bit of power. If he lets it go on I suffer in limbo and
financially because legally my life gets put on hold. How much longer do I
give?
2. Initiate conversation regarding where we are going. Divorce or reconciliation.
Disadvantage is that This gives him the power of deciding. It also reveals my
level of investment which limits my bargaining power if there is to be
reconciliation. Or it could push him torwards divorce. Advantage is that I can
move forward guilt free.
3. Tell him that since he has taken no initiation to reconcile, it is better to move
forward with divorce. Advantage is that time wise I can work torwards
moving forward, working more, and meeting a potential life mate. It fits with
my beliefs and gives me back my sense of pride.
Disadvantage is he can tell himself this was all me and move forward guilt
free when he is the one that left me. My kids might suffer long term. i might
regret this long term.

Am I seeing things in a distorted way? Am I missing Anything?

other thing I am wondering about at the moment, is limited contact working against me? I make no effort and neither does he.

Or perhaps this is just telling me what I don't want to hear... He really is not invested. His actions are stating the obvious, so I should just move on so that i can meet someone I can have a healthy relationship with.

I feel like saying something to get a reaction. Bringing up that he is playing mind games by telling me he wants reconciliation. Questioning directly why he tried so hard to get me back to work full time and cited this as excuse for not leaving families house. Let him know I see the discrepancy...

If I was advising someone else I would tell them don't do anything to show that you want his attention cause that shows you care.

He did wish me a happy New Years, but that was later last evening. I was getting upset that he said nothing but made sure I did not initiate. Then again if I did not have kids, would he?

I'm sorry. I'm rambling again. Emotional and down today.

I honored my wifes wishes and had limited contact with her for 6 months in the same house. Nothing changed. I now am trying to talk to her more. Not pursuing, just talk. About the dog, cars, house, kids and stuff like that. My hope is to display good behaviors and have some limited connection with her.

What do you want Julie? Not how do you want to get there. What do you want? Marriage or Divorce. You made thoughtful logical points for both. Which will it be? When you, your heart and mind, decide, the path will become clear. This is not an easy choice but only you can make it. I'll remind you of something you already know. It is easier to destroy then to create. Be strong Julie, be well

Just saying he wants reconciliation is worthless. He has to show you. You both have to list out what reconciliation looks like. Enumerate the steps involved like a checklist and work on them. Anyone can throw out words. Only actions matter.

Tell him that you'll consider reconciliation but that you two have to document what that really means and you both have to stick to it. If he can't live up to that like a good man then you haul him into divorce court and get on with your life.

Definitely continue to do GAL and detach during this limbo. That creates a no-lose situation for you. You'll either end up reconciling if he starts acting like a man and not an idiot man-child or he won't live up to the rules of reconciliation, you'll toss him in the trash heap and move on with the great new you that you've been working on.

Following the GAL, detachment rules will truly create a no-lose situation for you.

TXHubby

A clear, spelled out list would be helpful. We lack communication. It has been a major issue.

how do I initiate for a list at this point? Our contact is limited to brief "how are the kids" and "how are you." He asked 1 x when we were at court if I looked into retrovaille and I had said I would call. And then I never discussed it with him. I thought he should follow up and should ask me about it. So yes, it's childish but he left me and I feel if he wants this to work he will make effort and he has not. I told him that his timing for asking for reconciliation was suspicious (right after I filed for child support) and he said "I know you do"

Although being the one to bring things up will get things rolling in 1 direction or the other. He might not even want to work on reconciliation. But if I ask him about it, it demonstrates my level of investment.

After family court, I took Zues advice and validated how awful it must have felt for him etc. and said I was sorry it had to come to this. He responded with short statements of I am sorry too. No more then 6 word sentences. And then nothing was brought up other then handling kids.

Mutatio I don't truly know anymore what I want. If he was willing to work on things I would be open and give us a chance and work torwards rebuilding. But him not initiating shows that the marriage will be no better for me. It shows he is not vested.

I can give lists of things that really bothered me in relationship that will justify my decision to divorce. (Not that it's necessarily even my decision to make) I actually have and deleted them. He can probably do this as well.

knowing he is capable of walking away from young kids and a wife who was faithful and willing to work on marriage says a lot to me too. I don't want to be back on these boards in 5 years, older and with less options either.