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Focus, your travel opportunity sounds wonderful! I think that will be a great step forward for you. I am very sorry about the ow. I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, just wanted to say hello and wish you well. Be well, and Happy New Year.

Thank you so much Fo.2.

This is such a painful journey, and it feel so lonely too.

But then, if I think back, I've felt lonely ever since my H started disconnecting from me (5 years ago now). And I guess he would say that he feels the same way too?

So the journey back to health and strength is about reconnection really. Reconnection with yourself, first and foremost. And then other people: family, friends (old and new), work colleagues...

Connections and reconnections can be light and superficial, or much deeper and more profound. Perhaps the important thing in all of them is that they be healthy for you? And if not, then perhaps that they bring you some kind of insight into yourself?

I feel so much calmer today than I did yesterday. And I'm incredibly grateful for that.

Focus, thank you for popping by my place yesterday. What you describe up there^^^^ that's what I have been doing. Keep going, take the emotional waves and ride them.

Thanks for reaching out.

JellyBxxxx

Thank you JellyB x

Awful night last night...very broken sleep and a nightmare.

My nightmare was that my H had left. I was sleeping in a park, just lying on a jacket, while he was pursuing his career and being very successful.

Then I woke up and for a few seconds I told myself that it was just a nightmare, and that everything was normal.

And then it slowly dawned on me, the actual reality of the situation, and it felt like the life was being sucked out of me again.

Yesterday was a very quiet day for me, so I managed to do some positive things for myself. I started my homework from my counsellor for my next session: the picture/storyboard with everything that I want in my life for the future. I'm using old magazine pictures I like and words too. I have a day off from my part time job on Monday, so I'll put it all together then.

I've also started making a list of things I need to do this month to move my life forwards. There are small, everyday, practical things in there, and also a few bigger, more ambitious, dreamier things too. I know I can make them all happen.

Last night/this morning I also managed to distance myself from my not-so-healthy friendship/flirtation, both mentally and practically. That's not to say I might slip up in future, but I feel like I've crossed over into a better, healthier mindset (for myself) with it.

And I have a very busy day today at work, which is good.

I keep waking up from nightmares like that! My pillow is soaked with tears, and I think, "it was just a nightmare", and then reality hits.

I don't want to go back to sleep, and I don't want to be awake. I try and refocus, to think about what I can work on that day. I spent New Year's Eve cooking up a storm. Then H texted at 1:30 in the morning to say "Happy New Year" to me and the kids. Totally ruined my night - because it was so long after midnight that he sent greetings. I need to ask him to take me off that text list. All I could do was wonder what kept him so busy so long after midnight.

I hate this. I miss old H. I would give my right arm to get him back, and that's saying something because I am strongly right-handed. Current H? Meh. Don't have much use for him. But old H? I long for him in a way that isn't very healthy.

It hurts looking at this person wearing old H's face. I need to get out of here, so that I'm not having to see him all the time. I promised him he would not ever see me again after we were D. Time to takes steps to put that into play.

I so feel your pain, focus. You are an inspiration to me, though. I want you to know that. Thanks for sharing your stories/life here. This is so tough - I don't know where I'd be without this site!

Just horrible, isn't it?




I've only experienced a bit of that side of things - contact from H, and how it totally knocks one off balance. But I guess that if it has that effect, then it's something that I/you/we need to work on?




I'm in a slightly different place than you on this one. I don't feel that I miss my H any more. Certainly not the new one, but also weirdly not the old one either. Maybe because he's not really been that person for the past five years or so? Well, he was gradually drifting away from being that person for the past five years or so...I see that now. Maybe also because he totally destroyed what we had built together when he got so very angry with me the night he left, back on the 11 October.




I've not seen my H since the 11 October. Before that, he was working away a lot. He was home from last Christmas to October, but before then he was away working for two and a half years (and by away, I mean on the other side of the world from me away, and travelling a lot too).

All of that has weirdly helped me a lot. I was basically living on my own for those two and a half years. Sure, he'd Skype me and we would chat, but I don't think he was really missing me by that point. That period was pretty painful for me.

This feels more like a relief...not seeing him, or having to see him. I'm not sure at what point I might want to see him, or even if I ever want to see him again. I don't know.

I do know he's going away for work again (other side of the world from me work) from the start of February to the start of May. And then he will be working pretty hard around Scotland from the start of May to the end of June. At the moment, I feel happy with not seeing him or having anything to do with him before he leaves in February, which means not having anything to do with him until May at the earliest...he's not going to be in touch while he's away, for sure.




Me too. This, and all the people posting here, has ben a lifeline for me. I know I don't comment much on other people's threads. I guess I don't feel that I have a lot of insight to offer.

Thank you so much for your kind words too. I hope today is a peaceful one for you, my lovely friend x

I'm slowly starting to think about how I might answer this text he sent (on new year's eve).

Factual information: the house is in my name, the mortgage is in my name, the money for paying the mortgage comes out of my account. I've been to get advice on this, and the house is legally mine.

If we were to D, then he would have to put in a claim for a part of it.

I've changed the locks since he left so he couldn't walk back in unexpectedly. But if he were to ask me for a key, I would have to give it to him.

How I feel about it: I'm really not comfortable with him being here while I'm not here. This house was mine before I ever even met my H. It's most definitely my space again.

So I'm thinking of saying something like: 'Thank you for your text. I'm not entirely comfortable with you being here while I'm out, so I'm afraid that isn't something that I can do'.

Should I leave it at that? Or add in something like: 'I will try and think of another way of dealing with this', or 'your request'?

Hi Focus, I think you may want to go a little further with your response and suggest how he can pick things up. I can understand you don't want him to have a key and unsupervised access to your home, but there are other options.

Do you want to be there? If so, let him know that he can come when you are there and give him some options for times.

If you don't want to be there, perhaps a trusted person could let him in on your behalf and be present during the collection of any stuff?

Or, perhaps if he were to let you know what he needs, you could put it together and arrange to get it to him?

Maybe draft your response on one of the above bases and post again for DBers to comment?

Take care xx

Ah, OK, I get it...be quite specific.

That's kind of the opposite of what I was doing.

I agree with Sotto. You have to really spell it out with these entitled WAS. Mine sneaks into my room if I leave it unguarded and rifles through my papers, trying to see what I have on him. Like I would be foolish enough to leave anything he doesn't need to see in a place he would ever think to look!

I leave distractions out, instead, since I've been unsuccessful in guarding my room 24/7. I'll leave something that I don't care if he sees, but hide it, so he thinks he found something.

It would not be a good idea to let him just come in and help himself. I really don't like to say that, but my experience has been that if I'm not around, he gets a bit free with things that are no longer his concern.

There's no reason you can't be there. You guys don't even have to talk. Just tell him you're not comfortable just leaving the house while he's there. You can stay in the kitchen while he gathers his belongings - or, you can collect his stuff for him, and tell him when he can come by to collect it. I moved H's stuff out. He wasn't happy about it. I was less concerned about his feelings than I ever thought I would be.

He left. He doesn't get the same benefits he used to enjoy. The house is yours now, and he is a visitor.