Hi Focus, I'm sorry to hear that Sweetie. TBH, it doesn't sound as though MIL is thrilled about the current state of affairs either. I think what is going on is this - your H is bouncing into a new entanglement as a way of dealing with his own pain.
It is hard to hear that our spouse has become involved with someone else. And easy for our mind to start racing - who is she, what is happening and so on. But truly, in the wider scheme of your sitch it makes little difference. They may just go out for a few weeks. It may last a little longer - who knows?
The important thing is that your M ended at BD and will remain ended until he expresses willingness to be part of the M again, and do whatever is needed to repair things.
Good for you walking into work. You did well to channel the difficult feelings into your walking and not to react to MIL or to him. I think when you get to a point that you can sit with the pain and process it all without reacting, you are making progress. I'm not saying any of that is easy, or feels nice - but if you are able to do it, that is a positive thing.
For now, accept the feelings of shock, anger and pain - accept whatever you feel. Post here and vent, talk to your IC if you have one. But know that this is just a point in time, and we don't know how things will ultimately play out. Only time will tell and it is always your choice if you choose to stand for your marriage and how long for.
My very best wishes to you and take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Don't give up. You've sounded so positive recently. I agree with both Sotto and Huddy. Nothing is certain in the future so just keep looking after yourself.
I'm pretty sure that the 'girlfriend' is the OW he's been having an EA with for the past 3 years. And that it's now also a PA. And that it's now also out in the open.
No matter, it doesn't make a difference to me, right?
Well, I was struggling a bit but trying to process it, right until about 10 minutes ago when he texted me.
I think what is happening is this: his mum is the big influence in his family and in his life. She's a very strong woman and the one that keeps everything together.
So she's helping him...of course, as he's her son. But he's also using her to do some of the work for him.
He texted me on Christmas eve. When I replied on the 28 December with a short message, she emailed me the day after essentially to tell me about the new girlfriend.
And now he's texted me directly with a request.
Text goes a bit like this:
I understand you don't want to see me or talk to me, and that is OK.
There are things I need to get from the house (tax, car things) and other things too ('some clothes').
That process would probably be a bit easier on both of us if it happened when you were out anyway.
Is there a time when the house will be empty this week.
Have a good new year. Speak to you soon
No 'x' at the end, like his previous message. And just signed himself with his initial (which he's never, ever done before). But calling our house by the pet name we had for it.
I'm not past the pounding heart stage because of reading the message yet. I feel a bit sick as well.
I mean, he texted me on Christmas eve, and now he's texting me on new year's eve? What the heck?
I feel under a lot of pressure to reply straight away, but I'm definitely not going to.
I'm also now not sure I want to reply to any text/email from his mum, as I'm not sure what is going on there either and what the dynamic is.
Only way forwards is to keep concentrating on myself and try not to be knocked off balance by this stuff.
Have a good few GAL activities in the pipeline for after the new year...friends (new and old) I've not been able to see in December because I've been working too hard (and parting hard too). So I'm going to hang out with all of them for coffees over the course of January.
Take your time. Don't let him call all the shots. Be kind but firm. Decide what works for you. It sounds like you have friends around you, enjoy some time with them and try to get H out of your mind.I know that is harder than it sounds but we really can't do anything else.
I spoke to someone at work today about his texts. She said the timing of them on his part (Christmas eve and new year's eve) was particularly unkind on his part. I guess he's in as much of a muddle as me though, and these are high pressure situations for people in general let alone for someone under so much stress.
Can't wait until this whole new year thing is past.
Yesterday/last night was one of the toughest times I've had over the past 6 weeks or so.
On the plus side, I was able to reach out to an old friend I had bumped into by total chance and reconnected with a couple of weeks ago. There's an openness and honesty on both our parts, and importantly, a lack of ulterior motive on both our parts. It feels like someone I can trust and be good friends (again).
On the not so positive side, I also had a bit of a flirt with a guy I've known a couple of weeks (OK, there was an outrageous amount of flirting going on from both of us...he clearly fancies me a lot). I was totally honest with him about my situation when we were first chatting, so he knows the deal. But I don't entirely trust his motives (actually, I don't feel I can trust him at all), and I don't trust my own motives either. So time to step away from that.
Anyway, back to focussing on me, my life and looking forwards. I'm going to plan some GAL coffees with friends (new and old) and a couple of trusted colleagues for the next few weeks. I have my tax return to finish and my own business to get back to, so those will hopefully help me bring my focus gently and purposefully back to where it should be.
