Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rain75: New post re: OW

This is something I wrote to Anna on her thread and wanted to post on my own thread and add a few things.....

Hey Anna....thanks for your reply. Like you i am embarrassed even mortified by the things I keep saying and doing. Even while logically knowing I shouldn't emotionally I am in pain and lashing out.

He does not initiate coming over. Will hint at it. I asked him over for Christmas. Have not been able to bring myself to ask again. It was very painful to play family.

Before I go into the update with my R sitch. I have done a few different things for myself finally I did my hair. I also dyed it I went to a movie which was great as we stopped going so he could take ow.....I've started reading again which was always a huge part of my life before A started 2.5 years ago....and am in the works Of becoming a freelancer. Which makes me nervous but it will be nice to have my own money again (sahm). Also I was flirted with by a man 15 years younger which made me laugh but also felt great since I stopped getting compliments long long ago. I also called a local martial arts and dance studio and got their schedule and fee information for when I can afford them. (things he would have hated so I never tried but always wanted to).

My take on it is this and PLEASE correct me if I am wrong:

He had the first PA then EA with an ex so they have history. Up until the affair that history was bad. She cheated on him..never wanted children....never cleaned or cooked....spent her income only on herself and more.

After A began through this last BD he rewrote our history from me being the love of his life to a mistake. And rewrote thier history from being horrific to paradise.

Since the BD he has spoken to her (thought she was married but only engaged) and then she blocked him from calling and texting. So the NC they have is not due to him being remorseful and cutting ties. So when she misses him again and reaches out this nightmare will begin again and I can't do this again.

He recently told me the following...

You can't control yourself

I refuse to talk about this again

Why is it you can talk about her all day but never tell me you miss me or the kids miss me or invite me over?

I won't let this be my life where im torn down every day

I have not spoken to her

I did a lot of things wrong and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I lied to the both of you

Please know that I do love you but won't keep fighting about her

I missed her but only the fun we once had that you and I do not

I am sorry...Ive said that but its not enough for you

I just want peace

She never judged me and thats all you seem to do

I know I am a f%#! Up

If i really wanted to be with her I would have and gladly taken all the fall out.

If i come over and you mention her I am leaving

My phone code is for me no one gets to go through my phone

Maybe everyone would be better off if i died

He has not said in actual words or shown me this is over for good. That he is willing to be transparent or that he is over her. I told him i relaize he is most likely missing her and he is adamant he does not because SHE has gone out of her way to break up our family. Lol. Not him but her.

I feel as if he is simply sorry he got caught and has no remorse and doesn't think he actually did anything wrong since the sex stopped a while ago. For which they both take credit. She says she stopped it because it made her feel lile a whore. He says he stopped it because it was the right thing to do.

So, he is correct. I do bring her up. As I do not believe he is done with her regardless of what he implies. He still has a code on his phone which to me indicates as much. And the only good time we have had was over 3 days for Christmas due mostly in part to me not mentioning her. And he was a little more affectionate. Yet she called me Christmas day to tell me hurtful things pertaining to "our song". I didn't let it ruin Christmas and I am proud of that. But when I did mention it he had no reaction other than i can't make her stop. The same man that would fly off the handle to protect her all along is not willing to do the same for me.

Also i don't know why but yesterday I text him (as I have him blocked from calling) and I told him that I need to forgive him for me to be okay again even though he hasn't asked for forgiveness. Then I asked him if he remembered the last time we danced. And how it ended up with us dancing with the kids. I then thanked him for that memory. (since he says I never appreciate him).

He responded and said he thanks me for that memory instead. Told me he hopes that I see we had many great memories and that he would like to make more with me but the ball is in my court.

But I know him and he has told me...us getting back together is essentially me rug sweeping his A...not questioning him ever and being okay with us living separately and him keeping his phone code. And that, I can not do.

Which is why, even beyond my horrible slip ups, that I say we are done.

Am I wrong here?

Rain, welcome back. First off, you're right about your comment on my thread. You do need to post more. I was trying to follow your sitch. When I read your post today I found myself having to go back and reread your thread because it's been two weeks and it was all blurry. The more we get to know you the better. Situations bounce around so much at this stage that a static picture doesn't tell much of a story, but when someone posts on an every few day basis you can start to see the dynamics in motion if that makes sense. Maybe make a goal to post 3 times a week even if they are short? Just a thought.

Yes, your H is trying to rug sweep in a major way. Everything he is saying is nothing more than an external voice to the internal voice he is hearing from his emotions. For most people they have a FEELING...this creates a THOUGHT...then they consider that thought, weigh it against their beliefs, and choose whether to ACT on it.

Well, H is basically saying he doesn't want to deal with the hard work of understanding where the feelings came from, how the arise from actions and not out of thin air, understanding which of his behavior caused those feelings, taking ownership for his feelings, getting disciplined enough to act in a mature way regardless of those feelings, etc.

It's like he's just handing you all of his internal crap and saying "shoot, I know it's not working right, I give up, you want me to work, you fix me, I'll just smoke this joint over here and watch Family Guy..."

Not only can you not fix him, the more you do to try the more he'll think that he can control you by acting broken, and the more broken he'll act.

My three words of advice here:

1) No words. Actions. You will be tempted to debate with him. To explain your point of view. He will say something RIDICULOUS that is so hurtful and unaccountable and obviously wrong that you feel you can't help but to push the button and point that out to him. DON'T. Even when you think you're pointing out that he's wrong, you are responding emotionally to him and interacting with him. He is pushing your buttons and you are responding and allowing him to. He may not be getting the exact responses he is always looking for, but as long as he's getting different reactions (because you are inconsistent) he will keep pushing different buttons, and he will act more and more outrageously to get those reactions. It's like the saying "kids would rather be praised than ignored, but they'd rather be ignored than punished". I really think you have to be non-responsive and dim here.

2) Move forward with your life. I have written some passionate posts to Jguy about what this means. Please read them. Note, don't TELL HIM you're moving on with your life, because as I said in #1 the words themselves demonstrate the opposite. Instead just move forward.

3) Get a DB coach, information at the top of every page. "I can't afford it" is the response most people give me when I tell them to. This is the same mentality of people in a marriage explaining why they don't have time or money to take trips together or have a date night. But somehow they find time to pay $10,000 to a lawyer and watch 15 years of 401K savings and home-equity be liquidated and dispersed to pay off the 30K in credit cards that get racked up trying to pay for two households for the years while things get dissolved. Find the money and get the support you need. I absolutely promise that if you do you'll never look back in 5 years and wish you hadn't hired a DB coach. Promise.

OK, again, if you read the last few pages of my posts to Jguy and my new post on my thread you'll know where I stand. Your sitch will change fast on the surface, so moving slowly and not letting today's feelings take the lead is key. Instead just creep along, stay dim, post a lot, do a lot of soul searching (without CONCLUSIONS), and breath.

Thanks Zues...I will read your posts. And I am trying to keep my composure from here on out. Let's see how well I can do

If he tells me again that he "can't talk to" me I will ignore him I guess. He knows thats a hot button for me. Also he loves to text or leave VMs since his calls dont come through. Saying...when you look at our kids remember it is what you say and do that keeps me from being there. I always feed into this by arguing or by pointing out that no, actually it is your ow obsession that keeps you from them.

However the last 2 times he has said this i have ignored it conpletely. Baby steps.

And Zues do you know him? Lol that smoke a joint and watch family guy line had me literally laughing out loud.

Rain

Yeah, I've walked a mile in his shoes for sure. It's not all behind me either.

I'd encourage you to read my last post on Kyrie's thread as well. Good illustration of co-dependency and how easy it is to think you're on a righteous path when you're actually still rolling around in the mud.

Keep posting

Hi Rain,

Happy New Year beautiful girl!!!

I am so sorry things are so difficult right now. I can relate to your wounds.

Love Zues's words for you. He has giving you good advice. Rain, the main thing is for you to listen to what he is saying and try to get the picture within yourself.

He is acting like a complete Jerk and needs to grow up some. In the mean time you also need to understand that your jealousy mode is ruining your days and your life.

By what I read, I also think that you give OW way too much credit and brain space. Let that part go for your own good.

I know it is hard, but you may have a long way ahead of you before he start changing and come your direction. It's time for you to continue your journey to improve yourself and eventually he will see it.

It's not going to be an easy task at all, but if you take one day at a time, you can get there. The fact that you mention this OW all the time, you also remind him af her all the time.

And please, do not listen to whatever she has to say. You know this is not a good person with good morals, so let that go, off the phone.

If you have time, please read TO326 thread, she had some hell for awhile and made the changes she needed to bring her H back home.

Like Zues said, do some soul search and start making the changes you need on yourself. Stop the obsession.

(((((((((Rain))))))))))

Pink

Hi Pink! Thank you and Happy New Year to you also... Miss Selma Hyack:)

Thank you for your words. I am not even 1 month since last BD so this is very fresh for me but you are right I have to somehow stop the ow obsession. By the way I blocked her from calling too. She used someone else's phone on Christmas.

And he will see no changes since he is never around. But I am still going to do them.

I typed in T0326 and nothing comes up. Do you have the link?

I want to start freelancing and have a potential client for next month

I've started a book on getting through a breakup and working on your own issues which have led you to where you are now. Thats tough stuff my friend. Truly.

I want to lose 30 lbs

I want to start dance lessons

I want to get a DB coach

3 and 4 will be when I start bringing an income in again but they are still on my to do list.

Not sure what to do since even against his blatant disregard for what he has done I want R, so, do I invite him over once in a while or not if he asks or hints he would like to spend time with us?

Thoughts?

Rain

I don't think you are ready to do this with no expectations, nor should you.

Would you be ok with him spending time with you if you knew that he'd pursue his EA, and also secretly have 10 text/email exchanges going on with women online that he was pursuing? Would you be ok with taking the scraps that he throws to you in exchange for letting him use you how and when he wants? If you just met and knew what he was up to, would you be willing to spend more time with him?

If the answer is no, then I think that sums it up.

In his mind you should give, give, give, so that he gets everything in the world he needs from you so that he can 'let go' of this other crap. But when it comes to betrayal, you cannot compromise. You cannot live with adultery in your life perpetually. At least most people can't. If you are one of those rare women that would rather be in a lifelong partnership with a serial cheater because you get something out of your sacrifice, I applaud that. Just don't expect anything differently going in.

The same lack of expectations should apply if you refuse his hints or invites. If you are expecting him to 'wake up' or 'see what he's missing', guess what? Not happening, at least not now. Instead he'll likely spew, blame you for everything, tell stories about how you ended things, how he was willing to work on things but you were unreasonable and unforgiving, oh, and by the way it was all your fault that he cheated as well.

Be prepared to withstand that $hitstorm.

I'd personally go very dim. Maybe tell him "You know I am not willing to live in an open marriage or one where trust doesn't exist. I don't know whether that's possible with you. I don't think either of us are at our best right now. We are making decisions right now that will make a severe impact on our family. I think it makes sense that we stop the cycle we've been in and make sure that we're both on our games before going further."

I'd probably tell him that by email, then I'd SHOW him that by going very dim. This is not a manipulation, this is you getting the space you need to do exactly what I said. Expect a SPEW. Expect him twisting your words. Don't debate. Don't argue. That's where he's at. Say what you need ONE TIME ONLY, then let it go, go dim, and start DBing yourself.

I wish there was a detachment pill. That would make this so much easier to handle.

I think its TO324

So he wants you to throw him a big pity party without giving anything back to you?

Id disregard every single one of these lines.