Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rain75: New post re: OW

I am a one man woman and won't be involved in a relationship unless I'm with a one woman man.



At this moment it may be possible to work through the affair. The only way that is possible for me at this time is if we can do the following: No contact letter to OW, access to your phone and passwords, and a recommitment to the marriage including joint marital counseling. That is the only way I'd be prepared to explore starting a new relationship with you. If you are prepared to take these steps you will find me willing to address any and all issues I contributed that lead to the breakdown of our M.

(If he isn't willing to do these steps)
If you're not prepared to do this I'm not really interested in whether your A is over or not because it's been proven that this is the only chance a M has of recovery. The loss of our M isn't what I wanted so that door remains open today, but I can't promise it will stay open indefinitely. I am unwilling to remain in an open or uncommitted marriage so must turn my efforts to moving forward individually.

Rain
We all mess this up. We all want to reach out all the time. Just keep
Coming here first. I go through phases. In a tough one right now.

Keep it up

Rain, lots of good advice here. So, as we are saying to you. Come here first and let it go here. Write all your frustrations, desires, pain, etc.

It also helps if you read what you are writing. It makes you think and find out what is going on inside of you.

I also think you do not need to blame yourself. Be gentle to yourself now, this is a situation you have been enduring for a long time, so the stress tends to build up very fast.

Remember you have the little ones and most important, right now they have only you. Don't be mistaken thinking that they do not feel all the energy around them. They may not know the extent of the problem, but dad is not home and mom is super sad.

And again, it is very hard to just accomplish all the above, be strong and super mom. You will make mistakes once in awhile, you will regret this or that word that came out without thinking.

Situations emerge and you do not know how to deal with them at that exactly moment, but don't bit yourself down, it is part of learning, growing as a person you want to be.

Question: Do you have any family or friends that can help you with the kids, so sometimes you can go out just to breath by yourself?

Calm, breath, let go of the anger, look at all this like your marriage got a bad cold and now it needs to go light to get it feeling better.

You will do it, an affair may happen for a reason, but it can be repaired and get stronger then ever, because then it will be a choice.

((((((((Rain))))))))
Pink

Hi Zeus,

We haven't gotten that far. But last time he absolutely would not agree to any of what you posted. Said it was an invasion of his privacy.

Eventually he gave me his email password. Nothing else.

And i still stayed. Ugh.

This time...this LAST time.. ive read DR and i have this BB so i know that without those things we can't move forward.

And if he refuses then it's his choice.

Thanks:)

Otw,

Sorry to hear that. Thanks for the comfort re my messing up. Which i do. A lot.

I will be on your thread shortly. Chin up butter cup:)

And thanks

Pink,

Thanks for your words. You all have really helped me.

I have been a little better today, well after the morning anyway. And yes i have one family member that I can ask once in a while to watch them. I haven't so far though to avoid the "but why cant X stay with them" scenario.

Also a few posts ago you asked me if my Mr is also Latino. Yes he is. And you are correct we really do have hot blood running through us

From your lips to Gods ears. It's my desire for the A to be the reason we work on ourselves and start a better and stronger R instead of being the reason for our end.

(((((())))) to you too. gracias

I hope everyone is having a better day. I woke up and Mr was NOT the 1st thing in my mind.

The kids are asleep and i am out back relaxing. Last night he text me to say he has plans for Christmas eve and would like to come By after to see the kids. Also he would like to see then open gifts.

Knowing how easily it seems for him to have made plans on a family holiday so soon after BD hurts. But i kept my reply short and what I hoped was non chalant.

Told him not to worry about cutting his evening short and making that drive here as kids would be in bed. And he shouldn't have to eat 2 dinners. That he is welcome to come the 25th to see them open thier gifts. Then i left it alone.

That is a lot different reply than I would usually give.

I love him so much and miss him. But at the same time I look at our kids and hate him too.

Just wanted to let that out so that I don't send that to him.

Great job Rain, short, to the point, no blame, no punishing, just about logistic with the kids.

Honey, I know it hurts a lot, and that is why I ended up making mistakes, because it hurts. The sooner you get what works, the better it is for him to notice you won't put up with this kind of behavior from him.

Next time you can text:
"H the kids will go to bed early on XMas Eve so they can wake up early to open their gifts. You are welcome to see them open the presents. Please, let me know what time you are thinking to come.

The: "not to worry about cutting his evening short" and "he shouldn't have to eat two dinners" ... they are still the knife you want to put on him.

Yes, he has his plans and it [censored] that you need to know about it. But do not fall for his bait, he wants to push your bottoms and he knows where. Do not react, take your time to answer his texts, read and re read it before you send it.

Maybe you can try to make some plans on your own with the kids. Family, friends? He should knows you are not sitting around waiting for him to be your world, your life. Show him you have a life on your own.

If he sees you nagging, mad and sad, he will be thinking it is all the same with her. If you are out, enjoying a holiday with your kids and friends, happy and busy, he will see that he may lose you and the kids too.

Also, great job on hating him and not letting him know.

You are doing great, get some exercise while the kids are in bed, keep moving...

Later,
Pink

Thanks Pink...yes you're right as always

I was so hurt that he has plans and i shouldn't have said that about the 2 dinners and cutting his evening short.

I am proud that I didn't spew out at him like I would have even just a few days ago. And that is all in thanks to my new friends here.

But I will do better from here on out. He texts me a lot saying he wants me to have a good day/evening. I have gone off on him before saying if he wanted me to have a good day maybe he shouldn't have cheated. Last few days. I either ignore them or reply. "Thanks you too." and I do not initiate contact at all.

So xoxo for that.

Rain