Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Now what/ Take 2

This is great news that he is saying he is in. This is a way is where the hard work begins. If you've seen my sitch, me and h went through this last year, he re committed in April and then October time he's back to not sure if he's in.
Now part of this could be that he is just an idiot, or that he has deeper issues, and he seems to blame me for them. But, one piece of advise I was given which I didn't do, and I kick myself for- is to see a mc. We thought we could work through it together. And while we did to some level, I think a mc would have avoided us getting back to here.
Also while I kept up with some gal and some dbing, some old habits crept back in. And I probably became a bit codependent, this is an issue. I personally think some life of your own is absolutely crucial to a m. It gives you a bit of time apart, it enriches you as a person.
I find myself back here I'm sure because of these errors, however there is still love there, and I know that. And the element of trust is getting there. Like txhubby says- you may see your h on his phone and start to get panicked- and this is natural. To start with, and even now- boundaries were laid out. And transparency is one of the things at the top. You will be in a reluctant dark place at time.
When recommitted, I told my h I needed to know details of his a, others don't. He told me honestly, and I validated him and thanked him for honesty. But to find out he had sex with ow- I had to grieve that. And I think talking through the emotions- and crying in front of him helped.

Thanks TxHubby and Cherry for the replies.

As these are new emotions (insecurity, neediness and jealousy) for me, I have just been sitting on them. Plus after the merry go round biz, and the fact that he just told me 4 days ago he is not leaving, I still feel kind of dizzy.

I am not sure if he will go to mc. This is a second M for him and they went,but obviously it didn't work. I have not brought it up yet tho. I will for sure.

Cherry, I agree--a life of your own outside M is fine. And he does. He travels for work quite a bit and gets to hang with guys often. Its these 2 "new girls" that are tweaking me out. I just feel like we are so fragile right now, that one wrong move could send the whole thing toppling.

At the moment just trying to quiet the noise--thanks TxHubby--and enjoy the fact that we are on the same page, truly enjoying each others company and looking forward to good things to come

Not posted in quite a bit, but I have lurked to check up on others.

Ironically, I was going to post soon and qive a quick update on my sitch, and that post was going to contain mostly good and positive news. H and I have (had??) made some really good progress on M. Knowing what went wrong and how to fix it-- that we took each other for granted, and put our marriage last, all the usual stuff I guess when marriages go sour. We have told friends and family that we are on track and not separating. There have been lots of "I love you's, lots of love notes and emails. Plenty of "I'm sorry's" and even some "Thank yous" for saving this marriage.

As you may have read my bone of contention is his cell phone. I am unsure an EA or PA ever happened, may never know and not sure I want to know. But I do know of these new friendships with females that he kept hidden, and is still kind of hiding. He is aware this makes me uncomfortable/ jealous/ insecure.

Well last night as we lay in bed, he is texting. Clearly he knows I am perturbed, and says " you should see this hottie." Now I am hurt. Tries to make it a joke, that shes 25 yrs old, works for the company, has a boyfriend... Etc.
He ends up going to his own room, blaming me for " being pissy."

This morning he apologizes, I accept his apology. Guess we are good. Except I am not really. It was hurtful, I feel like he puts these friendships before me and our marriage, something we said we were no longer going to do. I have a hard time being upbeat and confident, so I leave the house for a little bit. I return to make dinner, and he comes to kitchen with no phone. Thank Goodness!!
But not for long! He goes to get it and it puts me on edge. Why or why cannot Let. This. Go.?? It def puts a damper on our night. We go to separate rooms, something we have not done since R.

I send him a text asking if he is coming in to watch tv, he says no. Then replies, he is " having a hard time with this, and we need to take our time."

As I type this, I know its sounds..... petty. That he is entitled to his feelings, as am I. I feel like a teenage girl for crying out loud.

Am I back to Square One, and begin DB'ing again? I have maintained my 180s for the most part, my GAL never really got off the ground, but I finally heard from job and they want to go to the next step. I look good. I am happy and when I just can't be, I leave the house.

Or am I reading too much into this??

Ok, so let me preface this by saying that I know that reconciliation was not going to be a magical over-nite transformation. I know that we have a lot of work to do to wholly repair this M, and that going forward, it will take a real effort on both our parts to be in a loving, committed relationship. Having said that, I need help.

There were some seriously weird happenings in the melweb household the last few days, starting Saturday when his incessant, inconsiderate cell phone use got the best of me. Sunday morning I decided to put some boundaries on myself--that I will simply walk away when he chooses cell phone conversations or facebook over me. I cannot just sit there and watch him text (whoever it may be) I understand an occasional text from boss or co-worker, but even then, we will be in the middle of talking and he just picks up his phone and starts texting. Ummmm....no, you go ahead, don't worry about me!! And also no phone in our/my bedroom, which is where we have done most R talks, a lot of reconnecting and of course the other stuff that usually happens in master bedrooms;)

So anyhow, Sunday I also decide I need to back off a bit, and I do, plus I thought he was going to be upset with me. He was sick in bed all day so I do not see him til dinner time, and he approaches me with a hug and a kiss. We have dinner and go to couch to watch football, and he reaches out to hold my hand. Typically we all know not to read into this actions, but we are farther down the reconciliation path, or so I thought.
By later in the evening, he is confessing his love, he is so in love me, feels like he did when were dating etc. Not 24 hours ago he was having a hard time, and wanted to take our time. Clearly we have different definitions of those things.

Monday after dinner, the cell phone comes out. I ignore it as I am cleaning up kitchen, etc. When I sit with him , we chat about things, the future, (next month future and next year future). Then he picks up phone to text---it feels like a blatant disregard to me, I sit for minute cuz surely that is all it takes to return a text...nope. I walk away. Not sure how long it was but he finds me in the bedroom, reading, and asks why I walked away. I say "dude, you were on your phone and I wanted to give you some privacy." Admittedly , it came out snottier than I meant it to, but he walks says that pisses him off. This leads to a conversation that he feels like he can't have friends, I am pressuring him, and he is going to do whatever it takes to be happy, at all costs. I say "at the expense of our marriage?" He replies "at all costs" He says he still loves me , but is struggling with these changes and they might not last. I agreed and say I understand that and me too. But we need to not let that happen. He goes to his room. Not half hour later, he comes in to my room and asks me if I am ok. I am. We end up making love-- I am ok with make-up sex, but I do not want to be used either.

So anyhow..here's where I need help. It seems like as long I am June Cleaver and not rocking any boats or making any waves, we are all good. (Surprisingly he has been ok with me crying and being emotional, and let me cry on his shoulder quite a few times.) I certainly do not want to jeopardize all my hard work from the last three months, nor do I want to get walked on and let him think he can do whatever the he!! he wants, and I'll put up with it cuz I am so afraid of him leaving--which, btw is not the case, and I told him that. I got to a pretty good place where I would be ok without him, and it would truly be his loss if he left.

Do I continue to play by his rules, because I know this relationship is precarious? And for how long? How long do I stuff my feelings for the sake of his?

I have and will continue my 180s--and the other DB principles I used-- they were life savers for me, and I go to complete the job process tomorrow to get that GAL ball rolling. Yah me!!

Are you guys working with a counselor? Or are you trying to navigate the hardest part of a marriage ever possibly imaginable while you two are close to at your worst all by yourselves?

Would he be willing to go to Retrouville, the marriage restoration retreat? Would he be willing to go to weekly counseling? You can do DB coach by phone, that would be ideal, they are built for this.

You are definitely in a challenging spot. You have differences of opinion on having OSF and texting/phone etiquette. Put them together while you are on the breaking point and it's not going to work well. I think you need help to get through this. If he's unwilling, you need a DB coach, like yesterday.

Hi Zues. Thanks so much for for the reply.

Answering your questions: No, we do not have a counselor. Yet. As we are only 25 days or so into the "I am not leaving you," I got caught up in the euphoria and sheer delight of that. Several others have mentioned MC too, and I just have not broached the subject with him, as I felt it was still a touchy subject. Guess I called that wrong. Plus money is a huge issue for us right now, meaning we have none. We are currently living in an apartment while our house, in another state, is on the market.

Honestly, I do not know if he will go or not. My gut says no, but I won't know for sure unless I ask. I did find out there is a Retrouvaille near my city tho.

I do have an IC, whom I have not talked to in over a month due to said money constraints. He was the one who recommended MWD, and some of the DB principles that got me to where I am now. I sent him a quick email when H was fence sitting, but have not been able to tell him that H has said he is not leaving. I would LOVE to talk to him now, but I just do not have the money. Maybe next week.

At this point I kind of feel like H SAYS hes not leaving , but isn't truly "all in." H has said several times to me, after complimenting or praising him--which were my 180's that really worked-- "You'll say anything so I don't leave, or that I wanna hear." My answer, at the time was "Why would I do that?" and "Yes, I am say what you want to hear, because you should hear that I think you look nice, or sexy, but I am also saying what I want to say. I spent too many years not saying those things even though they were on my mind and I let the moment pass."

Regarding OSF: I do not care if he has OSF--or didn't, but the last three months have muddied the waters. I just don't want them to take precedence over me, or made to feel like its some clandestine thing that I am not privy to. Sure he can have privacy and his own life and friends, but I do not want to feel purposely shut out from that. Am I being too...protective? Clingy? I have never been one of those wives so this is new to me. He travels quite a bit for work and I have always trusted him in the past, and it has never bothered me. In fact, I have always maintained that was why we have been together so long; we each get some time and space to miss each other. Hmmm....guess I called that wrong too. Ok--batting ZERO today.

He did take heed to the fact that his cell phone use hurt my feelings because Tuesday night I did not see it at all. Not before, during or after dinner, or when he came to spend time with me in my room. Last night tho, it came out, he said he was talking with a co worker. I get he wants to unwind after work, and catch up on facebook, but there needs to be a line.

In other crushing news, as I pay all the bills, H had a recurring charge on one of his credit cards, that I had seen 3 months ago, but didn't really pay attention. Til today when I saw it again. Its an on line dating site. I have no freaking idea how, or if, I should address that. Other than those sticky wickets, he says he loves me, so happy I saved our marriage, he talks future, and 2 years into the future. We have plans for a date nite this weekend.

In the good news dept, I got a job. I start Monday!

Melweb- CELLPHONE use by my walk away husband DRIVES ME INSANE. Right before we separated we have a date when he LITERALLY texted the WHOLE time to other people, we should snuggle and he would be texting people..It made me feel awful and unloved. I know it really [censored]. I do the same as you though, even though we are separated if he is on his phone, I just walk away. I know how it feels.

I'm not sure if I would mention the dating site. I feel like my heart says I would flip out on him and scream but my brain is saying what is the best way to handle that without making things bad. I hope someone will have good advice for you since I don't know what I would do. It's a tough situation.

No advice but yeah, the phone thing [censored].
Sounds like cake eating to me w/the phone *and* the dating site. Ew.

lol, can't even say s-u-c-ks

Thanks Rednail and kyrie. It definitely does not feel good and a whole bunch of other words we cannot say here.

And yup, kyrie, cake eating with a capital C. Got any brilliant ideas on how to stop that, without jeopardizing the work/progress I have already accomplished? On second thought, have I actually accomplished anything? {audible sigh}