I called H to inform him that our power was out (luckily the outage was only a few hours) and that we had some large trees fall and block the road to our shop. He had planned on removing some office equipment that he was storing in there to install it in his office this weekend or next.
This prompted him talking about how big the outage was (lots of clients coming in telling about it) and how Bubbles had to take the day off work because they finally had theirs turned on and she wanted to clean everything before they lost it again. I stayed somewhat upbeat and listened, then ended the conversation.
After hanging up, I ended up replaying things in my head that he had said (how he had spent Saturday night at vacation home after skiing, how Bubbles and kids had skied with him Saturday, how her husband kept calling giving updates on when power would be back on).
Stupid me, I called back under pretense of asking about how to reset thermostat and casually asked if Bubbles and kids had also gone to VH. He said she had, just to do laundry. I'm still bothered by this. He still sees nothing wrong with this. Neither does she, apparently. I know. Detach. Its all on me.
Still, its discouraging.
Oh Ciluzen, I think I would have done the same. Right now I am resisting the massive urge to put on my coat and walk down the the street to see if my H is actually at his Dad's or not by seeing if the car is there. All of this stinks big time and it is so hard to not have the occasional slip ups. I don't think yours was too bad on the scale of slip ups. I mean, you didn't get angry or anything, just asked a question. It would have been far worse if you'd started crying or shouting etc. You've also realised straight away that you shouldn't have made the 2nd call. Don't be too hard on yourself about it. I know it's hard, personally I've been a mess the last couple of days so I know where you're coming from.
Yes, I've been a mess off and on, too. At least next week work starts for me and I will be around people again. This living in the woods alone is the reason hermits are crazy. How's IP's GAL?
My slip up wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't sounded so annoyed when I called the second time.
And today I brought him his mail and Christmas stuff from his family. He said, "there's a check for you in my office. It will go in (the bank) faster if YOU deposit it" in front of his client and everyone in the room. I couldn't find it and walked back up to the front to answer a recipe question the receptionist was asking me about the Christmas bread I brought by the week before. He came up after a bit and kind of tossed it at me and said "it was right there on top of the shelf," and walked away. I had looked on his desk.
Not very nice. I even said hi to him this time.
But this is why I wanted HIM to deposit it AND come get his stuff at the house. No audience for whatever his mood is, and I wouldn't feel so humiliated. I was too worried about the bills I saw not being paid on time.
Note to Ciluzen the control freak...tell him he has bills by text and he can come by and get them...then leave it up to him to deal with it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Yes, I've been a mess off and on, too. At least next week work starts for me and I will be around people again. This living in the woods alone is the reason hermits are crazy. How's IP's GAL? [/quote/
Sorry to hear you've been in a mess too. I'm off work at the minute too and go back next week. As you say, maybe we will be better when we're back at work. IP's GAL is pretty much non existent. I have no car, no money and 2 children to look after so once they're in bed I am on my own sobbing in front of the fire. Every film I put on to try to take my mind off things seems to remind me of H and I cry even more.
[quote=ciluzen]My slip up wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't sounded so annoyed when I called the second time.
And today I brought him his mail and Christmas stuff from his family. He said, "there's a check for you in my office. It will go in (the bank) faster if YOU deposit it" in front of his client and everyone in the room. I couldn't find it and walked back up to the front to answer a recipe question the receptionist was asking me about the Christmas bread I brought by the week before. He came up after a bit and kind of tossed it at me and said "it was right there on top of the shelf," and walked away. I had looked on his desk.
Not very nice. I even said hi to him this time.
But this is why I wanted HIM to deposit it AND come get his stuff at the house. No audience for whatever his mood is, and I wouldn't feel so humiliated. I was too worried about the bills I saw not being paid on time.
I would look at it that he has only embarrassed himself talking to you like that in front of people. I think I'd have said, "Hmmm, someone got out of bed on the wrong side today." to the receptionist after he'd walked away and then merrily trotted out proving it hadn't affected me. It would have affected me of course, as I'm sure it was very embarrassing to you and affected you, but I really think the receptionist was probably thinking how awful your H was to treat you like that in public rather than thinking anything other than sympathy for you.
Originally Posted By: Ciluzen
Note to Ciluzen the control freak...tell him he has bills by text and he can come by and get them...then leave it up to him to deal with it.
Yes, this sounds like a good plan. Why should you be sorting this in any way for him. Sounds like cake eating. Or better still, drop them through his letter box when you know he's going to be out maybe.
I actually don't know where he lives exactly, lol. He wanted for some reason to show me early on, and I told him no. I'm glad of that, though.
After that incident at the office, suddenly I've been getting messages from a few of the ladies at the office, asking about my New Years plans, etc. One invite to hang out on New Years.
I have only shown my happy, upbeat side when I've been in the office. I don't know what the sudden shift is...he can be rude sometimes when he's busy so I don't think it was flipping the check at me.
I've had an insight into something...a memory and an epiphany.
When we first moved up here and he had to quit working at his first office, he spent ever day enjoying the lake we lived on while I ran around trying to do leg work trying to find him or me a job. He was in no hurry. I got to know many of the people in his profession and finally one of those contacts came through.He is good at what he does and was immediately hired. He worked there for 17 years! But the memory was of him not dealing with the problem we had, just hoping it would solve itself or go away.
Right now I think he sees me as a difficult, stressful thing, but a responsibility. That equals...a burden.
He sees this house, during his stress over age and money and work, as a large thing that costs money and time with no end in sight to repairs and maintenance. But a responsibility...equals a burden again.
Bubbles gives him enjoyable female companionship, they have work and interests in common, she has a family of young kids and their friends and a large social group and lots of fun activities. If he doesn't want to deal with any of their problems, he doesn't have to. He's not responsible. If he wants to help, it is out of the goodness of his heart...he's a good guy and appreciated since he doesn't HAVE to help. No burden, good feelings only.
Vacation home is on almost no acreage. His maintenance is miniscule. Mow lawn, enjoy river. Trim bushes, enjoy river. Zero maintenance in winter. Responsibility, but not overwhelming... and very enjoyable.
Right now I think he just sees me and the way I had been acting (some of it was justifiable, I know) and the house here as a burden he needed to walk away and ignore, while he deals with his other stresses.
Just a thought. Trying to see his POV from things he's said.
Because D1 had house news, he and I spoke this morning about both kids. I did ok with validating and bringing my "new me" way of dealing with kids (even called myself a control freak a few times and talked of how I needed to just let them take charge of their lives and make of it what they will).
But then...ugh. Had to say maybe we should schedule time to talk. Stupid. I'll back away from that. He had said ok and that he would call me back, but I will back off. Still trying to DB. Just too much time alone.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Texted H to tell him we don't need to meet and to enjoy his New Years and skiing.
He called 1/2 an hour later to ask me why. so I explained I didn't want to make him do that, that I wanted him to enjoy skiing and his time off. I knew it was stressful right now at the year end.
He asked me if I was watching "the game" (a team we follow) so I updated him on the score. Then I asked if he was heading someplace to watch it (he only gets a few channels at his apartment) and he told me "to the vacation home". He was very guarded. I then said I assume Bubbles and family will be there and then named another family. He said yes. He then proceeded to list a large amount of people who would also be celebrating up there, some of whom I don't know. I said, "Well, you enjoy yourself and have a good time skiing." I also thanked him for telling me even though he didn't have to.
Its hard not to let it get to me. I hit up craigslist for most of the furnishings. I alone repainted almost all of the rooms. By myself. I put up shelves in the kitchen and bedrooms...by myself. Filled in large holes and missing pieces of drywall...by myself. I hung towel bars and spice racks. I even hung pictures that I hand painted or drew in many of the rooms. And now I am not invited or even welcome there. And I never have said one word to the other people there about any of this.
I'm pretty sure I didn't sound upbeat or cheerful. But I didn't cry or say anything other than, really, have a nice time.
I really hope karma takes a big bite out of their a##es and spits it back in their faces. I'm a little mad right now.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ok. I was being a bit angry and admittedly, hurt, last night. I feel better today. I also believe I did pretty well in my interaction with H last night. I'm sure I sounded hurt, at least in my voice, but I also was pretty well in control when telling him to enjoy himself, because I really hope he does.
I also received an offer to enjoy New Years with another lady from the office (she's single, so no happy couple and family to envy at her place). There seems to be a shift of some sort. Maybe its the holidys, but suddenly I'm not "hands off" now? I've known them for years and felt abandoned, but now they're reaching out to me? I'll take it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I actually don't know where he lives exactly, lol. He wanted for some reason to show me early on, and I told him no. I'm glad of that, though.
Ah, taking it to his door is not an option then. Maybe you could just drop it through his office letter box?
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
After that incident at the office, suddenly I've been getting messages from a few of the ladies at the office, asking about my New Years plans, etc. One invite to hang out on New Years.
I have only shown my happy, upbeat side when I've been in the office. I don't know what the sudden shift is...he can be rude sometimes when he's busy so I don't think it was flipping the check at me.
Maybe they couldn't believe how he treated you in front of them when they can see that you are always nice and friendly when you call in.
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
I've had an insight into something...a memory and an epiphany.
When we first moved up here and he had to quit working at his first office, he spent ever day enjoying the lake we lived on while I ran around trying to do leg work trying to find him or me a job. He was in no hurry. I got to know many of the people in his profession and finally one of those contacts came through.He is good at what he does and was immediately hired. He worked there for 17 years! But the memory was of him not dealing with the problem we had, just hoping it would solve itself or go away.
Yes, it's funny how this situation makes us remember things that we just did for our H at the time and now when we look back we can see the other side of it that we didn't see at the time. We can see that they basically did nothing to help sort out the problem. I have had a few of these epiphany moments myself since H left. About things from years ago!
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
Right now I think he sees me as a difficult, stressful thing, but a responsibility. That equals...a burden.
I think you've hit the nail on the head here Ciluzen. Our Hs have put us and our Ms on the "too hard to do pile". We have always been the fixers but we're not allowed to fix this situation because a) they don't want us to and b) it isn't DBing
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
Because D1 had house news, he and I spoke this morning about both kids. I did ok with validating and bringing my "new me" way of dealing with kids (even called myself a control freak a few times and talked of how I needed to just let them take charge of their lives and make of it what they will).
But then...ugh. Had to say maybe we should schedule time to talk. Stupid. I'll back away from that. He had said ok and that he would call me back, but I will back off. Still trying to DB. Just too much time alone.
Oops! It is so hard not to ask to talk isn't it. I wonder if he'll call you back to talk - I suspect not. I am constantly fighting the urge to R talk too. It has been about a month since H asked me how I am or said anything to do with the R/M/D. It's like being in a deep cave with no torch.
Texted H to tell him we don't need to meet and to enjoy his New Years and skiing.
He called 1/2 an hour later to ask me why. so I explained I didn't want to make him do that, that I wanted him to enjoy skiing and his time off. I knew it was stressful right now at the year end.
Hmmm, interesting that he called to ask why you don't need to meet rather than just leaving it at your text. I like the reason you gave!
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
He asked me if I was watching "the game" (a team we follow) so I updated him on the score. Then I asked if he was heading someplace to watch it (he only gets a few channels at his apartment) and he told me "to the vacation home". He was very guarded. I then said I assume Bubbles and family will be there and then named another family. He said yes. He then proceeded to list a large amount of people who would also be celebrating up there, some of whom I don't know. I said, "Well, you enjoy yourself and have a good time skiing." I also thanked him for telling me even though he didn't have to.
Some of this is good and some of it not. It would probably have been better to just reply to his question and try to end the call rather than asking questions about who was going as it just leads to you hurting even more. I can understand why you did though, I know it's so hard not too.
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
Its hard not to let it get to me. I hit up craigslist for most of the furnishings. I alone repainted almost all of the rooms. By myself. I put up shelves in the kitchen and bedrooms...by myself. Filled in large holes and missing pieces of drywall...by myself. I hung towel bars and spice racks. I even hung pictures that I hand painted or drew in many of the rooms. And now I am not invited or even welcome there. And I never have said one word to the other people there about any of this.
Do you have keys to this place too? If it belongs to both of you still then I think I would start arranging my own times there and my own little get togethers there with some people. Why should he get the exclusive use of it? (Unless it is just his now)
Originally Posted By: Ciluzen
I'm pretty sure I didn't sound upbeat or cheerful. But I didn't cry or say anything other than, really, have a nice time.
Well done for not crying, that's a step in the right direction!
Ok. I was being a bit angry and admittedly, hurt, last night. I feel better today. I also believe I did pretty well in my interaction with H last night. I'm sure I sounded hurt, at least in my voice, but I also was pretty well in control when telling him to enjoy himself, because I really hope he does.
I also received an offer to enjoy New Years with another lady from the office (she's single, so no happy couple and family to envy at her place). There seems to be a shift of some sort. Maybe its the holidys, but suddenly I'm not "hands off" now? I've known them for years and felt abandoned, but now they're reaching out to me? I'll take it.
I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Did you accept the invite from the lady in the office? I know what you mean about feeling abandoned by friends you've known for years. I'm having the same problem.
