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dday, you and your boys are healthy. They go to school and learn. You have a job and make money. Life is good. Enjoy the laughter of your children. Be strong dday, be well

Happy New Year dday

Thanks mu. Boys and I were asleep by 10. Star wars was pretty good. 3d to boot! Word of advice, don't watch a 3d movie without glasses. Feels like you are drunk and everything is terribly out of focus. S4 kept taking my glasses since he had popcorn butter all over his. Turd.

I rang in the new year by being woken up to s4 coughing and then choking and then vomiting in my bed. Good fun. And better yet, I don't have a washing machine, so in a few hours I have to go wash my sheets.

Happy new years everyone. Mine started a bit yucky.

haha...sounds about right...

I always say if you haven't peed on, pooped on, or thrown up on by your kids, you haven't been fully baptized into fatherhood yet

Lol. Done done and done!

I like the things you never knew that you would say. My favorite is "stop peeing on your brother!" At least we were in the shower.

Ha, yep. All the things you couldn't have imagined saying or doing. Quite a ride!

Just woke from a dream. W was pregnant and about to deliver and we were at the hospital. We were excited and happy. And then I woke up.

Earlier in the week, I had a dream that we were ML. That one sucked to wake up from too. I'm fine now, but the first couple minutes are a let down, to say the least.

I am not detached fully, I know. But, those dreams would have destroyed me for days a while back. W texted me happy NY to the boys, and "to you as well" yesterday. Maybe that is why I dreamt? Can you be detached and still.miss something? I function fine without her, but I do miss her. Us.

Yesterday for new years dinner, I made hotdogs for s4, and ham steak and tones and ribeyes for the rest of us on the tiny grill I have. It was delicious and s7 discovered that he likes steak. So that was pretty cool. Also, the boys are interested in learning to play chess, so we are having a lot of instructional games. It's cute watching s4 learn to play. Never can remember what to call the bishop but knows the rest of the pieces. Pretty good day.

Anyone here analyze dreams?

No dream analyzer here. Just another broken heart. Many of us here seem to be on a dream-phase with our timeline. I keep waking up with a soaked pillow. My eyes look horrible, because all the crying has put permanent ditches underneath my eyes.

I finally made a commitment to live. For a while there, it wasn't looking so good. I almost let the depression win, because it was just so much easier to give into it. To just end this pain. Finally, remembered my kids and what it would do to them. I just can't. I want to - but I can't.

I'm only sharing this with you, because I know you struggle with depression, too. What an awful monster it is! It hits me, D...what are we doing to be happy? That hole where our spouse used to be...what have we filled it with?

Me? Nothing. Just a big, gaping hole of pain. You? You're making progress, but it's apparent that hole is still right in front of you. Let me challenge you. What can we do about it, little brother? What can we fill that hole with, so that we can start moving on?

I got a text, sent as a group to me and the kids on New Year's, too. I need to have him take me off that send list. It hurt so damn bad! All I could do was wonder why it took him an hour and a half after midnight to get around to wishing everyone well. That is not healthy.

According to Pigpen, you can be detached, and still miss something. Go look at what he wrote on Mutatio's thread. I think there's wisdom for you in that. I know it hit me as pretty significant.

Chess? Wow. That is a good game for young boys. I hated it, but that's got to be the girl in me. Neither of my daughters had much patience for it, either, but all three of my sons love the game! With dad being a mechanical engineer, I can kind of see why. They are so much like him.

Oh! My WORST parenting moment, ever? Happened about two weeks ago. I was talking to a friend on the phone, kind of raging and purging all the bad feelings inside. I had my door shut, so thought I was safe. One of my boys came to the door to ask me for medicine (he had a cold) just in time to hear me say how much I hated H, and how I was having problems even looking at the twins, "because they look just like him."

My poor son! If I tell him how handsome he is now, he just glares at me, like, "yeah, right. I know how you really feel." I've tried repairing that, but there is only so far words will go to repair something like that. I am not proud of myself for that. It may be how I really feel, and I did think I wasn't in any way going to be overheard - but I have to not even let something like that cross my lips if the kids are in a 50 mile vicinity of me.

This is so hard, D. Sometimes I wish he'd just shot me and gotten it over with. This slow dying inside. I'm trying, I really am. Some days are better than others - but I miss my old life. I never wanted this.

I know it is exactly how you feel, so please, take strength just from knowing that there are people out here who care about you. Who wish you the best. Who absolutely KNOW that if you can do it, they will be able to do it, too.

I think so and I think that puts you smack dab in the middle of where most normal, reasonably healthy human beings are.

Detachment as I understand isn't that you're numb. You simply have enough inner strength to not allow unhealthy attachments or emotional states to dictate your behavior and choices.

I signed papers almost a month ago and still miss the future I was working toward, still miss certain times, experiences, situations with my W. I have occasionally had similar dreams as you. They don't really affect me emotionally at this point very much though. When I think about, talk to, or see my XW in reality I see a person who's very broken and didn't treat me right and am having a much easier time separating the real XW from the one in my dreams and in the future I wanted with her.

Hang tough bro. You're a good guy and life still has a lot of good in store for you.

I had a dream that H and OW broke up. If only!!!!!! Boy I woke up from that feeling great. I have also had a dream in which I was pregnant. (not gonna happen - too old). That is suppose to mean new beginnings I think - which is pretty wide open for interpretation