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More reflecting today. Sitting here alone this time of year stinks. Questioning myself...

How do I let go to the point that either W notices and comes back, or that I can move forward and not be concerned with her? Either way is a good thing... how to do it.

Is the fact that I stood for our M, even while she treated me like dirt a strength or a weakness. I know that it was what was right for me.

There are many days that I wish I could just scream "I'm done" and throw down the rope and walk away. If I can do this and not shut the door, it would be perfect. But, I feel as if I am betraying my family. I know that's not the case, but it feels that way. My feeling of betrayal and the stupid amount of hope keep me tied to her. I need to drop this rope.

W is not the woman I married now. May never be again. I see glimpses of her. (Selfishly) I am glad that others are seeing the changes in her. It reinforces the thought that it is not me that is the problem. If she was only different around me, then that would indicate it is our interactions. But, she has changed with everyone. Hopefully she will notice that and fix it. Not my monkeys, I know.

I miss the life I had, we had. The boys. The house. Cuddling on the couch. Everything. I miss the W I knew for 10 years. I miss married life.

Still trying to find my way as a single, part time dad. It's awkward. Boring.

Need to start looking at house plans again. That excited me. Truck shopping will be fun too. I get the boys back Wednesday evening. Going to watch star wars, and who knows from there.

Happy Sunday all!

Hi Dday, sorry to hear you're having a rough time. This is the hardest time of year for us all I think my friend. So, do try and be gentle with yourself and the time will pass.

From your post, it strikes me that BD was still relatively recent for you and that you are pushing yourself to do X or Y - I'm done or I've moved on or I'm detached now. I don't think there is a magic bullet - just time and consistent effort in the right direction. There's no need to do this overnight, or feel frustrated with yourself for having 'stupid hope.'

But, the direction of travel is an important aspect and I think the direction for all of us needs to be away from the M, towards a new life for us. And then who knows what may unfold in time.

You say you miss married life and find single life awkward and boring. What are your 2016 goals to make it natural and interesting my friend? It may be your life now. There may be no way back with your W and that's outside of your control. If you stick to what is within your control, I don't think you can go too far wrong. However, hoping, wondering and worrying about what isn't within your control is a cheeseless tunnel, as you are finding.

Have you read codependent no more and found it useful? I can recall another poster doing the workbook and finding that to be of benefit. Not suggesting you are any more or less codependent than the rest of us....but just a thought...

Take care my friend xx

How do I let go to the point that either W notices and comes back, or that I can move forward and not be concerned with her?

A Sufi teaching tells of the man who visited a great mystic to find out how to let go of his chains of attachment and his prejudices. Instead of answering him directly, the mystic jumped to his feet and bolted to a nearby pillar, flung his arms around it, grasping the marble surface as he screamed, "Save me from this pillar! Save me from this pillar!"
The man who had asked the question could not believe what he saw. He thought the mystic was mad. The shouting soon brought a crowd of people. "Why are you doing that?" the man asked. "I came to you to ask a spiritual question because I thought you were wise, but obviously you're crazy. You are holding the pillar, the pillar is not holding you. You can simply let go."
The mystic let go of the pillar and said to the man, "If you can understand that, you have your answer. Your chains of attachment are not holding you, you are holding them. You can simply let go."

Is the fact that I stood for our M, even while she treated me like dirt a strength or a weakness.

Why put a label on it? Can it not be both? You are both, you are neither, you just are.

My feeling of betrayal and the stupid amount of hope keep me tied to her. I need to drop this rope.

You will drop it when your ready. You may pick it up and drop it repeatedly. It is an evolution, this is no small task.

W is not the woman I married now. May never be again.

The same can be said about you, me, everyone. Life is change, life is a struggle. Your wife, you and everyone else will never be the same, how could we be? What do you do with this understanding matters.

I miss the life I had, we had. The boys. The house. Cuddling on the couch. Everything. I miss the W I knew for 10 years. I miss married life.

Reflection is good but it is unhealthy to live in the past.

Still trying to find my way as a single, part time dad. It's awkward. Boring.

Eat life dday don't let it eat you.

GAL & with a PMA are your path, start stepping into the here and now

If you're letting go with the thought that she will notice and come back, you aren't letting go.

Thank you all. Just a depressing time of year I guess. And very rainy to boot.

Some days I feel like I am doing pretty good, others not so much. This is one of the latter.

I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life right now. Most will be maintaining status quo. Same job, love on my boys, etc. Probably build a house, and get a truck. The truck thing is actually pretty big for me. Haven't done anything for myself in years. It will be nice to have something to be proud of. (Other than my kids.)

I think I will put together a bucket list. That could be fun. Try to knock off some of the closer and easier ones. Visiting Ireland and Germany are 2 for a much later date. Hope to go fishing on the great Lakes this summer. That would be one.

Az. I know that to have a chance at r, I have to let go. I guess that's why I stated that. And you are right, I can't do both.

Mu, I love your stories. As to W change, it is the selfishness I refer to. I hope it works it's way out of her.

Sotto, I thought I dropped the magic bullet idea, but you noticed I haven't. Hopefully some things in this post will help me get through the awkward stages.

Fogg, Thank you. I guess I keep thinking I should be farther along than I am. And it varies day to day. I do want the pain to end. Maybe part of the allure to dating is to aid in healing. Boost confidence and take my mind off other things. Part of me is ready, other part is unsure I suppose. Never truly know until I get out there.

Thanks for checking on me and thanks for 2x4s!

Wanted to comment on this because it's something I struggled with for a very long time and it's somewhat of a endless loop. You do want to let go of needing her. You want to let go of alot of things and be able to live your life. We hear on here we can't R until that happens but we look it also like it's setting this magic goal post. That being if we let go R could happen. That if we drop the rope the WAS will feel it and do the work to come back. We try to then force letting go/dropping the rope, thinking about it too much and trying to get to that point. The very act of trying to force it to happen is showing your not there. I stead, do the things that we know lead to it. GAL, living for you, fixing yourself, growing, etc. In time it will come.

We then start attaching other things happening to it, trying to engineer it to work, and putting requirements on it happening, we work against or selves. You tell yourself you can't let go because hope is keeping you attached so you have to give up the hope. This is why I have a problem just telling people to drop the rope. I see it like telling someone to learn how to do brain surgery by practicing on their self. Letting go is a bit different because I see it as stopping the chase of them. Leaving them to their life and not interfering, this is mostly action oriented. Dropping the rope I see as more emotional and not something you can just do. It will happen when it happens and basically I see it that if I need to question if I dropped the rope or need to say it to make myself feel better then it's not likely happened. Once I have dropped the rope I would no longer care what dropping the rope means.

As for dating, each person seems to have their own opinions. I'll just say mine. I'm still married and the vows I took are still there. I can't justify breaking them due to my W's actions no matter what she's doing. I'm responsible for me no one else. That's exactly what she did when she went after OM, justified it because of how bad the M was. How can I do the same and not be a hypocrite for saying it was wrong.

I can wait until the D is final.

Fogg. I do ok, until I see stbx. Then I am spinning for a couple days. I don't ask about her life, or anything for that matter. I have recently stopped looking for her at kids events, this is more of a conscious thing. She will still come up to me. Every time. I don't know if she is trying to maintain my attachment or what. She will either come sit by me, or come to me as soon as it is over, or start texting if I make it out before she can find me.

So, letting go... the action part...I feel I have done that. I don't try to pursue. Don't call text start conversations or extend them either.

I think I will always have a bit of hope. I don't feel that I need her, I do still want her and the family back together.

As far as detaching/dropping the rope... I know what it is, know it's importance, haven't accomplished it. Maybe it's not time then?

As far as d. I have signed, I'm sure she did as excited as she was for it. Waiting on the judge to sign off.

Maybe it's not time. Just keep living your life as best you can and appreciate what you do have. Let the process work as it works. Don't try to rush it and don't get dragged behind either.

Dday, I find myself asking those same questions at times. They are questions, that if we are still asking, we already know the answers. We all know that here, and we tell other people the answers. It is just hard at times to give ourselves the same advise. GAL, GAL, GAL. Be a great dad, be an awesome person. Don't let anybody drag you down because with all the knowledge you have gained here, there aren't may people out there that will hold a candle to any of us. We all came for the same reason, to save our relationship. But in the end, the only thing that matters is that we save ourselves!