Gosh I can't believe the moods swings I had ( could I be suffering from me menopause?) today! Was down most of the day, but as soon as H left I was better. I did give him a kiss on the cheek to thank him for my little present.
I also asked him if he could have the kids on Monday as it's Bank Holiday here and he said yes! I was surprised by his reply as I tought he had something planned with OW and really did it more to annoy him than anything else!
I have been invited by one of his sister on Sunday , so most of his family will be there. I'm going because the kids love their auntie. No idea of H is going to be there as he said he's going for a Xmas drink tomorrow (ie him being completely drunk)!.
I have noticed that when he isn't around I'm finding life easier, so now praying for the house to sell as in my new one I'll have the right to stop him entering it!
Detaching is really hard. My head knows what I should do but my heart is ruling big time As my IC says it's a constant battle between my heart and head!
How on Earth do I still love someone who is childish, immature, able to cheat on his wife, blames his wife for his unhappiness, admitted he saw changes in me but got told by his IC that I wouldn't be able to sustain my changes!
So far my dear H I have been able to change and sustain it. I'm look after myself, I'm less stressed. Still work in progress in being more positive. Still work to start on being able to laugh and avoiding being cold! I truly believe that once I have done the negativity, the last two ones will follow easily as they are related with self confidence.
Rouky, hang in there! Today is a tough day. I still love someone with all those same faults. I was doing really well with detachment and Christmas set me back, it is just a day filled with triggers and emotions. You will be ok, you are doing all of the right things, just keep setting goals for yourself and be patient with yourself.
Good luck at SIL's house, I hope he doesn't show. And you will feel so much better in your own house.
I wish I had something more inspiring to say! Hang in there, you are not alone.
Oh Rouky, I keep asking myself that: how is it possible to love someone so selfish, who would file for D on freaking Christmas etc..
I notice in your last paragraph you list all of the positive changes you have made. Focus on those. That's my lifeline at the moment. I like myself better now as opposed to the angry turd I was pre DB. At least I got that.
Hi rouky- Keep up the positivity for yourself. I know this time of year stinks but I think its just another opportunity to make us stronger! Do something Nice for yourself on Monday!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Oh Rouky this is so hard. As far as I have come Christmas was still very hard. Just when everything seems to have leveled out these highly emotional days come around. I feel like your mood swings are pretty extreme and I hope that you are talking to your counselor about them. My discussions with counselor led me down the path to Prozac. There are some physical issues with me that made it a good treatment. Maybe you don't need any drugs for this but you do need help from your counselor. It must be very difficult to be alone this time of year as I at least have my family and am surrounded by people who love me. Maybe you can visualize everyone who has posted on your thread the last couple of days surrounding you and giving you hugs. Believe me when I say that we all cry with you and want nothing more than to comfort you.
What can you do to make yourself stop thinking so much about your husband and the OW? From where I sit they kind of deserve each other. You are way to good of a catch for your husband and there are a lot of us guys who would love to treat you like the prize that you are. There are plenty of us out here who would suffer any pain for you given the chance. You just have to realize how special that you are and never settle for anything less.
Sometimes you will have to find a distraction to take you away from the thoughts of your husband and how he feels about your marriage. His thoughts are wrong and you have allowed him to tear you down and are not seeing the wonderful person that you really are. Take a good look in the mirror and notice a pretty and smart lady who is a wonderful mother and a girl that some man will pick up and carry away when the time is right.
Hang tough Rouky as this too shall pass. The ancient celebrations of the Winter Solstice were in anticipation of lengthening days and warm sunshine to come. You are going to be OK because you are strong! Praying for you always.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hi Rouky! I'm sorry your day was rough. Same here. Not for any specific reason - I was just filled with longing for the good old days. The spot where H used to be seemed larger than usual.
My H is awful right now, but he hasn't always been. I pray daily for some kind of awakening on his part; maybe he'll figure out OW isn't exactly a prize, maybe Christmas was awful for him, too, and he starts to reflect, maybe....anything! Anything to get him to wake up.
Now I'm even blaming myself again. I keep thinking, "Well, who would want to be stuck with a woman who's never going to really get better?" Never mind that I would never have left him. I'm back to feeling it's all my fault. I'm dreading New Year's Eve. Last year he gave me a kiss that sizzled. This year? What? I sit at home alone and drink water? Fun.
We need to come up with get cheerful techniques for us all. I could use something proven to work right about now.
I had a great day. Went shopping my a friend and we had a great time. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if H isn't in MLC.
He came earlier to pick up girls, then later texted me if I didn't mind picking up the kids, if not he'll walk back with them. I picked them up and was surprised as they were ready but he let me in into his friends' house! Then he said he was having a chill night!
The friends that he was with are all around his age, single and their life is there hobby. H had his 1st daughter at 21, then left her when he was 26, then met me, then at 29 we had our first daughter. So I think his mum's death triggered him to revuate his life and being a father @21 meant that he had to be responsible for a family very young!
I feel sorry for him as he didn't have the chance to leave his youth and I now think he wants to live it! He is no longer pushing for sale of the house. He might never come out of it and he might never love me, but in the end I feel sorry for him. One of his sister told me that he'd never be happy and I guess she might be right!
What a waste as deep down, I know things can be sorted out and we can have a better, healthier marriage. Unfortunately it takes two to want it and H doesn't want. He never initiate conversation but he's never been much of a talker, so don't know how to interact with him. Any ideas?
From a mans perspective, it seems like he is trying to relive some part of his life that he feels he missed out on. Although I don't have any intention of doing this sort of thing, I know that I have had the same feelings from time to time. We married young and have known each other since high school. The way I grew up was in stark contrast to the way she grew up and I don't know if we were ever able to see life from the other's point of view. If your H is reluctant to commit to anything right now I tend to lean toward the leave them to their own devices for a while camp.
It can be the most painful thing you will ever have to do.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I had a great day. Went shopping my a friend and we had a great time. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if H isn't in MLC.
He came earlier to pick up girls, then later texted me if I didn't mind picking up the kids, if not he'll walk back with them. I picked them up and was surprised as they were ready but he let me in into his friends' house! Then he said he was having a chill night!
The friends that he was with are all around his age, single and their life is there hobby. H had his 1st daughter at 21, then left her when he was 26, then met me, then at 29 we had our first daughter. So I think his mum's death triggered him to revuate his life and being a father @21 meant that he had to be responsible for a family very young!
I feel sorry for him as he didn't have the chance to leave his youth and I now think he wants to live it! He is no longer pushing for sale of the house. He might never come out of it and he might never love me, but in the end I feel sorry for him. One of his sister told me that he'd never be happy and I guess she might be right!
What a waste as deep down, I know things can be sorted out and we can have a better, healthier marriage. Unfortunately it takes two to want it and H doesn't want. He never initiate conversation but he's never been much of a talker, so don't know how to interact with him. Any ideas?
Hi Rouky
It is so hard isn't it. Your H sounds very similar to mine except mine isn't socialising, just sitting on his own 'chilling'. He doesn't seem to want any kind of responsibility and is only interacting with our children on his terms when he wants to - doesn't seem to care how that makes them feel. Everything is about him and how he feels and what he wants. I just could never be that selfish. I've felt low and have been through a time when I didn't love H (after I discovered EA) but I stuck in there to allow him to change how I felt. I wish for the same courtesy but don't think I will get it.
Your last paragraph really spoke to me as this is how I feel too. It is so hard for us LBS when we read all of this material about how we can make our M better and our H don't see it and don't want to see it. As you say, it is such a waste, a sad, sad, waste.
It does sound like your H fits the criteria for MLC from how he is acting. So frustrating for you!
I had a good day with the kids and pampered myself to go to see SIL. Didn't have any expectations to see H there and he wasn't. In a way I was relieved, but all his family was there. His sister told me that he knew who would be there but decided not to come. She said he made his choice. I'm sad for him as he has cut himself from his siblings and father. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
I saw pictures of him on Xmas day with his sister on FB, he didn't look happy. On a good note, my brother's MIL got in touch with me as she has been through the same thing as me and has offered to support me spiritually! I have always been attracted to this kind of stuff (healthy eating, fortune teller and people with skills that aren't common). In a way it's my passion but when I talk about it people think I'm crazy :-)
