Difficult to comment really. Sorry about your FIL. My F died before Christmas 1992 and it kinda knocks the whole thing in to perspective, not for me, but for my M.
Anyway, back to business. I see how you're still looking at everything your W says and does and try to see a positive out of it. That's natural, wouldn't we all like positives. Is separation still on the table? Until that's off, I still think she's cake eating. Difficult to judge as with the grief she will require mega support.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I did a 55 mile bike ride yesterday morning with 6 or 7 cycling buddies from the club. W went on a walk with the kids scouts club. I could have changed my gal to join them but decided not to.
I have had a heavy head cold and blocked painful sinuses for the last few days and W has asked about my health several times which is nice.
Also W suggested a James Bond afternoon watching Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace - her idea. W is usually a little down in the morning - thinking about FIL but perks up in the afternoon after exercise.
In the evening watching Quantum of Solace I gave her another deluxe foot rub - this one had her cooing/ moaning with pleasure. W puts her bare foot next to me on the couch ready for me to begin but without asking - like a covert contract. NB her foot was placed very close to my crotch, and I was incredibly turned on!!
Also I thanked SIL by text for reaching out to me. I said I will always try to do my best for W and the boys, I believe in my family and marriage and will never quit on either. I can't change W or her feelings. I can only work on myself and strive to be a better man,husband, and Father. she replied 'you will always be welcome here and at MIL's, and you don't need to change yourself, we like you as you are x'
A nice text.
Today I am a little down, W also and she turned to me for a little sob and a hug this morning. W then went for a 3 hour gym session. I then did a 5 mile run as that always perks me up. I feel very run down, stress, lack of sleep and the head cold. I need a good nights sleep. 7 hours continuous sleep would be a revelation.
Tonight we watch ' the Sound of Music live' followed by another James Bond movie - Skyfall. Jesus it's hard to live up to that guy!!
After Skyfall we will probably go to watch Spectre - probably next weekend.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/28/1504:39 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
The funeral will not take place until the New Year so I want to detach from W a little and see if she pursues me a little.
In what way do you mean "detach from W"? Unless you fully understand DBing detachment (and so many guys do not get it), then I think you should be very careful here.
If you come across as being a little cold and/or unsupportive during one of the most critical times in a person's life (losing a parent), she will never forget it and may never forgive you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have spent 5 days together since FIL died all pretty stressful.
Xmas eve we were at a party, Xmas we entertained guests and then went to visit friends, 26th we visited her Family etc . All while pretending we are a couple/family - and all while she is grieving and not wanting me to comfort her with hugs etc.
I'm trying to be available if W wants a talk about FIL etc, or a hug like this morning, but not initiate either the talks or hugs etc.
Tonight she asked for a shoulder rub in an apologetic way whilst watching Skyfall. She has deep tension knots in her shoulders - the massage lasted 20 mins or more.
Tomorrow we are going to the movies and have a sitter - to watch Spectre. Wednesday W goes back to work and then we are going to a pub on NYE and back to a friends house for midnight - I will get a hug but no kiss except maybe on the cheek. C'est La Vie!
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/28/1511:46 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W found a journal I had been keeping for when I visited my IC. I stupidly left it on my bed in my room and W walked in to place some of her jewellery in the room and saw it and read it.
It detailed my musings of why she is a self-destructive wife, her relationship with her Father, her depression diary that I had read.
Most importantly it detailed my daily log from 21st December , information on the sex toys that I had found, the two receipts for sex toys, and a list under a heading
Is this Really My Wife? - secret sex toys - uses amyl nitrate - has used cocaine - exchange phone number with cab driver - has a letter from cab driver - has taken sex toys to work - has bought bondage gear - flaunts herself with the clothes she wears - stays out to 5:30am - buys picture with $1000 - she hit me
She knows I have been snooping, going through her things. She feels violated, like their is an ' enemy in the house' 'can't trust me' etc
Of course she also brought up the huge argument on her birthday and said up to that point I was her rock as she faced up to the terminal diagnosis of her Father. During that argument I said ' why don't you come to me for support (instead of taxi driver) and then she realised it was all about me - not true of course. I just wanted her to stop pushing me away. She says at that point she realised it was over.
One thing lead to another and she insisted on a R talk saying the snooping had brought things to a head. I resisted an R talk but she insisted.
She wants a separation (2 years) and an amicable divorce. I stated my position - I want to work on M, believe in marriage vows, etc. and will not leave the house or help in any divorce process.
She said I am going back on what we agreed in Sept. ( I never agreed to anything although at the time I thought we needed to separate but changed my mind days later)
At the moment it's very tense, she says it like having a stalker in the house, and she can't trust me to not go through her things. She wants me out.
It feels worse than ever. She even asks me if still want to go to FIL funeral.
I'm trying to keep a low profile and of course no R talk. I have apologised for my snooping, and said I will not snoop again. I can't do more but let time earn her trust.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
This is how she feels today, it could change in a week from now. You cant change what she read, you apologized now drop it. You did it with the best intentions, to save your MR. Its not the end.
Stick with your DBing, now you really need to focus on GAL, and don't make any big decisions right now.
You will get through this.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
She thinks everything I'm doing, even checking my phone, is spying on her.
We are watching a film, she is sitting on another chair instead of the couch as usual. I check my phone and she is asking what I'm doing, why I'm doing it.
Of course this is the paranoia I have felt for the last 4 months about a possible EA/PA , and what led to my snooping/spying in the first place. Of course, I can't say that to her, as she insists she has never had an EA/PA.
This is totally [censored] up.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I know I'm on the outside but it seems that you are missing that the marriage is over. You can't bring her back. All you can do is become a strong, independent man that is capable of finding his own happiness and being a spiritual leader of your family. She needs to go on her own journey. Maybe she'll hit rock bottom and make changes in 6 months or 6 years. Maybe she won't. There is nothing you can do to speed that process up. All you can do is slow it down by enabling her, protecting her from the consequences of her actions, and remaining attached/clingy/needy and giving her more reasons to want distance and to feel disrespectful.
I will quote what I said last time. Maybe if I repeat it the truth will sink in.
In your post in which you talk about her discovering your journal you broke a number of rules:
1. You had an R talk. It takes two to have a talk. If she brings it up you can either validate, or you can leave.
2. You didn't validate. She told you what she wanted. You didn't validate, but instead disagreed, leading to:
3. Pursuing. Instead of validating, you restated what you wanted.
4. You are believing what she is saying. You are treating her statements of intent like they are 100% factual, and you are treating her statements of her feelings like you are responsible.
I don't know if your WAW will look back, the sad fact is that many don't. But this can't be helping.
What can you do to let the marriage go, let her go, and create some space to work on you and your new life without her? And setting some boundaries so you aren't so entwined?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
What can you do to let the marriage go, let her go, and create some space to work on you and your new life without her? And setting some boundaries so you aren't so entwined?
Hi Zeus
Thanks for looking in.
1. No more spying/snooping 2. No initiating texts,email, or phone calls or even conversations in the short term, unless involving the kids 3. Physical space by GAL every night this week. I can go to gym, go for a run, go for a cycle ride, go to kids after school activities 4. In the presence of W, not use my phone or iPad. 5. Do not ignore her. Love her from a distance. Present a PMA, 6. Concentrate on the kids and chores 7. Visit to IC ...scheduled tomorrow
NB W intends to take herself and kids to visit MIL this weekend so creating some more space. I will GAL by cycling with club and arranging a night out with friends, although it can be tricky in Jan as nobody has any money left.
Please contribute as I need this board more than ever.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
