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hey,

About the neighbor, It hurt me and really pushed my buttons. I don't know why she decided to wait till last night to visit him after all these months. I was so angery, I wanted to lock her out of the house. But I calmed down thinking anger is the response she wanted, So as a 180 I satyed calm and acted as if I was ok. Then out of despsiration like she had no reason to stay at home , I gave her a reason, at least for tonight by asking her to watch a movie with me.

With the holidays approaching, I am going to STFU about it. If she does watch a movie with me I will be nice about it. If she manages to find a reason to not be home tonight. I will not pressure her.

I say these things wanting to do the opposite. I want to get into it with her about the EA with the gay neighbor. Show her how wrong she is to go talk to him and not to me, to just leave her family just as I was putting the kids to bed , and not saying good night to her children.

I am venting on here. Better here that to my W.

I need to think about next time she asks me, I will say that I will never give you permission to visit with the man that you want to be with but cant because her likes men not women, but that doesn't stop you does it? The man that has pulled you away from this family we started together. The man that you run to avoiding the rough time in our marriage instead of working on it and making it better. The man that helps you keep your head in the sand and in the clouds. Stop asking me, my answer will always be no. This is your family, not him.

I see W is planning the dine around for the neighbors where you go around and eat a different course of a meal at a different house. There was some dates tossed around and he was not available. He said to just have it on that date with out him, W said no that date wont work then. Its going to be in January some time. A lot can happen from now till then but it will be an interesting night if he is there.

Vise, very tough sitch, I don't know every intimate detail but I can see one thing- you are very attached, and you have a lot of expectations.

You expect this M to come back together. You expect her to understand how you feel and be interested in working things out the way you want her to on your terms. You expect her to behave the way you want her to. You are very attached to that outcome. Every time she acts in a way that you feel is a step in that direction you are happy, every time she doesn't you get angry.

Reread Cadet's welcome email:

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.


You are on a rollercoaster. Not only doesn't this feel good, your emotions will in turn disrupt the process that she is going through. You can't control the outcome, you can't speed it up, but you can sabotage it and slow it down.

I always say "how can you expect her to overcome her dependence on another person if you can't overcome your dependence on her?" Please answer me on that one. You need to step up big time, find some inner strength, and make peace with a life outside of your W. If the only way you can be ok in your world is if she acts the way you want her to you will be in for a miserable ride. It will destroy any chance of saving your M, and probably contributed to getting to this point. How can you go about letting her go?

Hey Zues126,

I am lonely, I have failed at making friends on my soccer team. I am having a hard time connecting with other people right now. I feel like I am floating around with no where to land. I am going to my W family house for Christmas. I have failed to make a connection with her brother and I feel so disconnected with her family. I potentially lost a promotion because they said I was too quiet and they couldn't see me filling the social part of the new role. I reach out to my female barber as a friend and now she wants nothing to do with me. My dog that I have been training still doesn't listen to me. You would think after a hundred times of stopping and asking the dog to sit, it would just sit on his own now. I cant talk to my family right now. I hug a pillow at night to feel love. I have so many project that I have not finished. I have gifts to give my kids that are not completed. I have money problems on top of money problems. And I am getting rejected and disrespected in my own house by my dear W.

How do I over come my dependence on her? When she forcefully rips it out of me along with my heart.

Vise
I think it is the time of year. I am going through a rough patch as well. I think you need to step back write down a bunch of things that you are grateful for and things that are going right in your life. I know it will not keep you from wanting what you want but it is an eye opener.

I think what you are still going through is why everyone says in house separations are very hard. You stand witness to everything everyday. I do have to say things got easier when my wife left, but as I stated I am in a rough patch right now. Not sure why but my mind is on her too much. Hopefully these come and go and stay gone a little longer.

We both know the answers that everyone is going to say we need to do, but I think time is the real answer. Even though I say that I am looking for that time to get a move on!

Vise

Fake it till you make it!

I am naturally an introvert and happy to spend time in my own company. I can be an extrovert but only after a few drinks.

I've read, watched and listened to a whole lot of self-help stuff about being more self confident. I now always make a point of chatting to strangers I.e. Counter staff at the local coffee shop or the staff at the gym, or even at the grocery store, even in the jacuzzi in the gym!m

It's made me more self confident and certain I can hold a conversation with anyone, anytime and anywhere. Do it once or twice, gain a little confidence and grow into it.

I am not making friends with these people, just expressing myself to strangers, asking about their day and truly listening to them. Incorporate eye contact, positive body language, all the DBing skills can be used.

DBing in action....go do it!!

Vise, I've been thinking about your post for a while now and what to say. I can see the pain and suffering come out in it and its the same or similar as most of us experience right after BD. Back to the basics for you with sleep, exercise, GAL, etc.

Something I did notice is that I think you keep looking for validation from other people. We both know what the hair cutter was, its the same as you trying to find other cute women to talk to. Your emotional needs aren't being met by your W and you're trying to find it elsewhere. This is a very dangerous slope, please watch what you do. With the amount of pain you're in it wont take much attention from an attractive woman for you to fall into the A trap. Just don't go down that road, don't. You should be working on relationship with other men, not women. Stay away. I understand the loneliness, it hurts, but you have to work on loving yourself first. You don't right now, your W and others rejecting you is giving you hit after hit and you are taking it all personal. Stop, there is nothing wrong with you and you don't need another person to show you that.

Its difficult for many people, especially introverts to connect with others. It takes time, don't rush it. Oh and btw, you can GAL and do introverted things. Find something you enjoy and do it. When I have free time I go to the movies alone, I'm(was) extremely introverted. I also share my feelings and connect with other men in a mens group. I highly recommend finding one. Look through your church. There are also Stephen minister's in churches that can just be a person to talk with through the rough times.

I actually went to see the newest hunger games movie, part 2 last week. It was 30 mins into the movie when I realized I never watched part 1, oops! A few others were talking about this in Grlonfrs thread, wonder if they will chastise me now. lol

Your W getting her needs met by the neighbor is about her and not you. Your still early on in this and need to back off with the expecations before they throw you anymore than they have. Zues said it all above.

Being quiet and introverted is something you can work on but I accepted something a few months ago with this. This is going to be the thing that takes the longest for me to change. Years to get to a different place. You can take baby steps to get there, you don't have to go from introvert today to social talkative person tomorrow.

IC is good, but can be expensive. Get in a mens group or some other free resources.

Hey Vise,
You are not alone in this. For all of us, the unthinkable and unexpected has happened in our marriages. No one is ever prepared for this and it is easy to get depressed if you over think it.
I know exactly what you feel right now as the same thoughts go through my head daily. Being dumped is brutal at any age. It is even worse when the cold rejection comes from someone you are still in love with.
Try to get out. Go shopping. Take a hike. Join a gym. Go to places where there are people to interact with.
Keep reading other post here. There is a common theme throughout. Detach, detach, detach. Incredibly difficult, but it needs to be done. As strong as I feel some days, I know I am still very early in the process. It does not take much to set me back to square one.
Keep reading and posting and remember that you are not alone.

Hey OTW, isittoolate, Fogg, Free.

I wasn't gong to come back on this forum. I was afraid to read the replies, but its good I did. Thank you all for the support. I was really down.

Friday W came home and wanted to eat out. So we went out for dinner. It was nice. I was with the kids before the table was ready and she was texting someone, could have been her mother I don't know. We came home and we all watched a movie, I gave the kids bath and put them to bed. I asked W if she was watching TV (I asked her earlier if when wanted to watch a movie with me after the kids were in bed, She texted maybe) She said she was, so I went to the basement. Then she called for me to watch a movie. We put something on and it was boring and W starts to fall asleep on the couch next to me but leaning away from me. She hands me the remote and say for me to pick something, so I pick a action movie. She still asleep and I am frozen I cant touch her as all I can see in my head is her texting the neighbor telling him how I tried to touch her. But she invited me up to watch with her. So eventually she left to bed. I guess baby steps, but why invite me up to watch a movie only to fall asleep??

Next day was ok, W stayed home and baked cookies with one of the kids, I played with the kids and she went out to pick up a couple of things and to go to the gym. I go up to talk to her about a good gift for one of the kids and she is getting ready in her sport bra. we talk for a bit and I get nervous, then go back down stairs. later when she was out I send her a text about how great she looked, keep up the good work. I received no reply. I know DBing says no, but I am trying to break down this wall she has around her slowly.

W lets me know about the breakfast with Santa. This is something that we do every year with her side of the family of course, every thing we do involves them. This years I have two GAL activities and W doesn't even ask if I was going she just says that I cant because of my dog training and soccer. I didn't even think to fight to go, I just agreed that yes I do have that and cant go. But she lied about it saying that her mom just booked it three days ago and wasn't even sure it was happening. This thing books up and you have to book it months in advance. Then after I figured out what was going on, Her bosses family goes to the same event and she has been feeding her boss the single mother story full of lawyer fees to try and get a raise from her boss, it wont look to good if I show up and ruined that story for W.

Then after kids are in bed we wrapped up some gifts and then I went to bed before her.

Next day I have Two GAL activities, I And this is true with GAL activities they get you out of your low. I had soccer early and W texts me about how I left the house a mess. I guess between Gal activities she expected me to clean while she ate breakfast with her family?

So I get home and she get into it with me but I stop it right away by validating her, yes its not enjoyable to come home to a messy house. That was it, no augment. I cleaned up the kitchen ect then helped wrap more gifts, But I had a headache and had to lay down near the end. W took care of the rest on her own.

Hey OTW,

It is the time of year. I just saw so much good change in my W that it hurt so much to see her just leave the house to talk to someone else and not me.

Grateful for : My health, my kids, my job, my W is still at home, I will have to work on this list more.

Its true that we do know the answers. I used to look at time as my friend when I was growing up. Letting time go by would solve a lot of my problems, W never understood how time can be your friend.

I hope things are better for you today?

Hey isittoolate,

I will keep that in mind , fake it till you make it, I need to smile more and that goes hand in hand with that advise.

I agree experiencing new situations does naturally open me up more. I find that I just have nothing to say. My mind goes blank, I tend to listen really well but forget to think of what I can contribute to the conversation. Its a skill I need to work on.

At soccer this week I made an effort to talk more, last week after the game I just snuck out with out a word. I know you get what you give. So I need to give or talk more with the people on the team. I have played sport in the past and I managed to fit in by performing really well at the sport. This is a new sport for me and my skill level can only take me so far socially. Also its co-ed and the first time I have played on a team like that. It just seem that I will have to make more of an effort to connect individually with the team mates.

I have looked into a couple of mens groups also. This is something I will think about in the new year. I have time for it so I just have to see how it goes.