Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers October 11

She agreed to let YOU meet HER?
I thought SHE was the one that was concerned about money....Youd think she would be clamoring to meet YOU.....


Why exactly are you so willing to give her money? Whats in the separation agreement?

I started to write something out to lay out logically what I'm supposed to be doing. But, I think I just realized something else. I don't think my wife has ever come to me for anything, emotional support, to ask for love, or what have you. I think its always been me that pursues her. I'm really scared that if I do these things...the way that I'm supposed to according these steps...that she will only take offense and move farther away. I guess I have no control over that.

Financially, if I don't live in our house, I shouldn't be responsible for it...right?

We don't have a formal separation agreement.

And...as you describe it Mach1...she was arguing in anger through financial issues.

This is so freakin hard. I wanted to help, financially, so that it would make her feel better. That's not the right way to approach it...is it? If anything, I need to approach as I'm trying to make sure the kids are covered and okay and have a house. Everything else, regarding the W's financial concerns, is irrelevant.

yeah...dangit...i'm such a sap

You're absolutely right. I still have it so backwards.



Because, I'm desperately pursuing my WAS like a fool.

We don't have a formal separation agreement. I pay for my bills in the apartment. I pay for the kids health insurance. We split the cell phone, and car insurance. I get the kids 3 days a week.

That's been our verbal agreement thus far.

I feel like my marriage counselor might say that my W the engineer is simply being efficient at wanting me to meet her at the oil change place to discuss finances. And I feel like I'm being overly emotional at feeling hurt that she wouldn't make some kind of time to meet me just for that reason alone.

I'm so confused on how to do this.

Should I text her back, and say something like if the finances were really a priority problem we need to do it more formally or something? Neither of us really want to get lawyers involved.

I wouldn't text her anything, unless it is about the kids..

Stop overthinking this for now. It really isn't helping, and the only person spinning right now is you...

Wouldn't it be cool, if you just called the oil change place in the morning, and set up payment VIA the phone. Then you could just text her and say that something came up, and you already covered it ?

She gets her oil changed ( whats up with these free oil changes for WAS' ? ), you create some mystery around yourself. You don't get hoovered into a long drawn out relationship talk...

Win-win for all ???



Act B....

Stop REacting....

That is your goal for the week....

Act B....

Stop REacting....

Okay. Sadly, I hardly even know what this means anymore. I'm thinking for now it means only live my life and don't do or think or worry about the W's life unless she contacts me.

Should I always be posting in this thread?

Also...for clarification. Is there a difference between a walk-away-wife and a wayward wife?

Does one imply affair? And the other is something else?

I know I should be at least prepared for the fact that there is another man.

Also, can anyone recommend a link to someone else's thread that maybe is similar to mine, or that may be a good read for me with advice? A husband who is co-dependent but learned how to grow?

Thanks.

Should I always be posting in this thread?
You are welcome to post in anyone else's thread with advice, questions, support, or salutations. But if you want to post on your situation in particular, its a lot easier if you stay in here. Until it gets to 100 replies - then start a new thread and stay in there

Also...for clarification. Is there a difference between a walk-away-wife and a wayward wife?
Kinda. A walk away spouse is a woman that tires of the relationship with her husband and decides to leae. Possibly from abuse, neglect, or any number of reasons. But the focus in WAW cases is really unrelated to another person or even just the feelings of rebellion associated with the wayward wife. The WW is better classified by Sandi in the "newcomer LBH with a WW" thread. You may want to read up in there.

Also, can anyone recommend a link to someone else's thread that maybe is similar to mine, or that may be a good read for me with advice? A husband who is co-dependent but learned how to grow?
Geez. That describes most of the guys here. Separated and with kids? Maybe read through NDY and Fogg's situations? Both are with WWs. But either way, two stand up guys.

Dont be hard on yourself. I know I can be a little blunt. But I think its the most effective way to communicate.

On the plus side, you can see this now. So how can you stop the pursuing? Its important to be honest with yourself as to why you make a decision.

- Youre giving her money so she might like you again. If so, thats not going to help.
- Youre giving her money that the kids need for school supplies, etc. If so, thats good.



Id recommend seeing a lawyer at least initially to run this stuff by him. Sounds to me like shes making out in this arrangement, but I dont really know. A lawyer can at least let you know if this is fair.