Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

gs9,

I'm in a similar boat. Signed papers a couple of weeks ago.

I don't know if this is what you're experiencing, but thinking about that big future out there wide open is a little off-putting for me right now...I'm certainly not afraid of it or shrinking from it, and I'm glad it's there, I know it's there, but also not in a huge hurry to get somewhere fast, either.

But it's coming for us whether we want it to or not. Now is the time to be getting ready.

Like you I'm focusing on all of the good in my life (and, really, there's a lot!). Doing things (like gym, hobbies, activities, socializing, etc) that are like investments which are good for me now and will also pay off more in the future. Also spending a lot of time with the kids, then making sure I spend time with people my age as well, for balance.

As a poet once wrote, "When drinking is bitter, become wine."

gs9 I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. But i guess like everyone says here the divorce was over when she dropped the bomb. After all the energy you put into saving this marriage you can finally breath. Be the person you want to be , not the person she manipulated you to be. I am heading to the same road. But it feels good to forget to take out the trash and knowing their wont be a problem when i get home. The only advise i can give is to enjoy life , and be the best father you can be. Teach your children that even through sufferings one can rejoice.

It's tough to understand but sometimes sufferings is a bigger gift than joy. Through suffering comes growth, character, perseverance , blessing and the most important the experience you wouldn't have learned any other way. The experience no one can teach but ultimately the experience that gifts you with knowledge.

PP,
Great analogy. Thank you for the time and effort you put into encouraging me. I get to "test drive" some new trucks and make a more educated decision or even no decision. I should just keep "test driving" for awhile as long as I'm up front and honest.

I am feeling better today. Had a nice dinner/movie date last night with a "friend". We saw Star Wars. It's pretty good. I've been completely honest with her and she knows I'm hurting. We had a good time. I had another potential "test drive" reach out and ask how everything went last week. We hadn't talked about my D for about a month so she remembered when it was supposed to happen. She had said she wouldn't be surprised if the D didn't finalize. It was encouraging that she remembered and reached out asking about it.

I do need to be careful not to use this attention to cope with the hurt. If I do I believe I will struggle completing the grieving process and truly becoming healthy after.

Feyth,
Thank you for the encouragement. I don't think I'll wait to date but I will be upfront and honest with people and I won't get into anything serious. There's no way I'll be ready.

Also, I met with the senior pastor last Friday morning. He was very encouraging but one thing that really stuck with me is he said "Don't be in a hurry to move on. Often people get anxious to get into relationships too quickly. You never know what God's plan is and if His plan is reconciliation then you're going to want His plan. Don't get in God's way and don't hurry it along". There's a lot of wisdom with this senior pastors.

I'm going to focus on me, my daughter, the changes I want to make to the house and having some fun.

tl2
I really like what you said about making personal investments in myself that will pay off in the future. As I take time for myself I'm going to try to remember not to feel guilty because I'm not with D4 or my family has fallen apart but instead focus on how this time is making me a better me. Who will eventually be a better Dad, a better friend and maybe a better H someday.

angel r,
Thank you for stopping by. You are so right about being who I want to be instead of who she manipulated me to be. I was even thinking about it this morning as I was making the bed. I made several adjustments trying to make it perfect and then I thought "what the heck am I doing? The bed being perfect isn't me. That's her OCD, That's her problem". I have several things that I do not because it's how I would do them but I do it in order to not tick her off. Such as leaving a dish in the sink with plans to wash it later or leaving my shoes beside my desk in my office the way I want them. I put them in the closet thinking "better put them away so she doesn't get mad". Ugh! Lately when I catch myself doing this I get a crappy feeling in my gut.

All of life's most valuable lessons are learned from turmoil.

Hey Gs9,

You seem to be doing good. It is interesting to read your sitch now as its a possible future for me. It allows me to think of the things that I do to avoid getting yelled at. Is it bad that I don't put my shoes way either? I just don't, its not me, that is my W she wants them in the closet. It got me thinking what would I do in your sitch. But really it kind of does apply, I should be thinking that. I haven't been thinking about me at all lately.

I hope you find your bliss Gs9.

Hey Vise
I don't think it is bad that you don't put them away. It's part of what makes you, you. But I also understand making compromises in a marriage. Here's what I often struggled with figuring out for myself. Do I put my shoes away because I love her, I want her to be happy and she likes it that way? Or do I do it so she doesn't get mad. I was never able to figure it out. I think some of it has to do with my conflict avoidance behaviors and her anger issues. The middle ground was hard to determine.

gs

Hang in there. I often look at things with imagery because it makes more sense in my mind. When you have a 40 year old car, there are dents and dings in it, things that have gone unfixed for years. You can either do a quick touch up and paint job to flip it ... or you can do a full chasis restore. Its really your choice but I would really lean towards the full restore .. .you end up with a much finer automobile and a sense of accomplishment in the long run, and lets face it ... the thing is in the shop anways might as well just do the work.

As far as dating, I dipped a pinkie toe in, I was ready to move on and try it out but after being allowed to swim in the big kids pool, I realized I really wanted to sit on the beach a bit more, work on my tan. Its a personal choice and one people here can debate the pro's and con's for a bit ... ultimately its your choice. Looking at your time line, its gone pretty fast so I would suspect your emotions are still going to try to catch up with it all ... again .. normal and part of this.

Cali
Thanks for stopping by again. You are a big help. Imagery helps me too. I think the imagery for me at this time is that I have a classic car in the shop that has a special place in my heart and life. I knew I was willing to restore it until the D was finalized last week. Now I've thrown a cover over it. I haven't pulled it to the junk yard but the professionals are saying they aren't sure it will run again. If she decides she wants to restore it I'm not sure I want to drive it again. In the meantime I'm test driving newer models. Not sure what I'm looking for but not in a hurry to settle on anything.

Dating......I'm not sure I'll call it that yet but maybe just hanging out. Enjoying the company and enjoying being treated respectfully. Enjoying spending time with people who want to spend time with me. Who appreciate spending time with me.

My emotions keep trying to catch up with me. So far I've been able to outrun them most days but I know I'll have to deal with them eventually. Hoping to just make it through the holidays and until she's out of the house before I truly let them flow.

I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to be divorced and the S still in the house.

Thanks Sandi,
It's rough but not really any different than before the D finalized. She was continuing on with her A's prior to the D day and acting as if she wasn't married anyway. I have to refi the house and get HELOC to pay her her half of the equity. She needs the money in order to be able to move somewhere. I've agreed to allow her to stay until 7 days after the HELOC closes. 1st week in January will be the earliest. Boo!
The biggest differences are that I made plans for Saturday night, told her I would be getting an overnight sitter for D4 and asked if she wanted to keep D4 ( because we have right of first refusal). She said she wanted to keep her. A couple days later she asked what time I would be back on Sunday. I said 11. She said no it's your weekend you'll be back by 9. I said no and left the room. A couple minutes later she said again that it was my weekend and she had plans sunday so I would need to be back by 9. I ignored her and moved on. I then made arrangements for D4 to go to another friends house on sunday morning. I told her these arrangements and that I would be picking up D4 from there. Turns out she didn't drop off D4 until noon. Obviously lying about sunday morning plans and still trying to manipulate and control me.
When she returned home on Sunday night at 7 I walked by her in the kitchen as if she wasn't there sat on the couch and turned on the football game. She eventually went upstairs and to bed.
Monday night I got home very late. No contact
Tuesday night I got home about 10. D4 was asking about sleeping in the basement, WXW (Wayward X Wife) asked us not to. I suspect her parents may be coming to town and she doesn't want to wash the sheets. I didn't have any intention of sleeping down there anyway and said so.
This morning she began asking about some bills. I told her I didn't have time for it and was leaving for work. She eventually texted. She said the water bill was paid on the 9th and I had texted her it was late. I said "sorry if I said the water bill was late. I meant the HOA." She said "you did say the HOA. I'm sorry."
Every apology from her is a big step. Who knows......if she takes enough big steps over the coming years I may be willing to get back on this crazy train. But right now, I am not.