Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers zokasantaptamAnasa

Mutatio and Ancaire, I already did my lists a few months ago and now I am perfect! H hasn't noticed at all though!

Just kidding, I did make some changes and I have released myself from 90% of my guilt and self hatred feelings. The next thing I need to work on is keeping up with the messes around here- I wouldn't say its a pigsty around here but I am always embarrassed if someone stops by unexpectedly.

We all make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourselves. You are both very strong, compassionate, responsible and kind. That trumps everything else imo. Go work on yourselves, of course, but know that you are both pretty awesome to begin with.

Love you, Fo! But honestly, there is work to be done. If I were wonderful, none of this would be happening, right? I've got room for improvement. The main thing I see right now is the fact that I don't like myself very much. That sets me up for all kinds of things - things that are happening right now. If I don't get a handle on it, I could be asking for more trouble in the future - and that...I am NOT asking for!

Remember all, you can do everything right, and still end up here. It's about ws/was and what is inside of them. Not saying we are blameless, bit everyone has issues and not everyone ends up d. Just saying to not place all the blame on yourself.

We are all making great gains, and can only hope our s do the same!

For months after BD if H had told me he was angry because I wasn't licking the floor enough, I would have been down on my hands and knees licking the floor.

At some point we all need to realize that we are not the problem. And work on ourselves just because it is a productive thing to do while our lives are in turmoil. Not because we created the turmoil, not because it will solve the turmoil, but because it is the healthiest way for us to survive the turmoil. But it is easy to go a little too far into the "self blame" mindset. I promise you, every single married person on earth has some dysfunction and something that they have done that annoys/upsets/creates a reaction in their spouse. Our spouses were no picnic pre-BD if we are honest with ourselves. So the question isn't who is to blame, or how much you are to blame, or how much you hate yourself or feel guilty. The question is what are you going to do about it, how are YOU going to survive in the healthiest, most graceful, dignified manner?

I mean it from my heart when I say you are both kind and committed and compassionate people. Don't beat yourselves up.

Hi Fo, I am not feeling kind and committed and compassionate right now. I will tomorrow but not now.

I am just tired of the cold shoulder, of taking the bagel downstairs and not eating with me, tired of her reading the kindle every time we drive somewhere, frustrated with never wanting one millisecond of my help and a billion little things that don't add up to anything by themselves.

I will read Fogg's post on the last page again, it is my path.

Mu, it's part of this ride we are on. Anger, guilt, and the rest of the 7 dwarves of d. You are an awesome guy, and it's ok to get frustrated with everything. We all do. Take it out here, not with W. It's a horrible sitch, we just have to make the best of it!

Thanks dday, you know exactly where I am coming from. It is just frustration, but frustration is the lowest rung on the anger ladder. I am fine it just seems to drag on forever.

Sorry Mutatio, you're getting treated like chit. No offense to your W but she needs to pull her head out of her ass. Just ignoring you and pretending you don't exist is a special kind of awful.

It must be exhausting to live in a house with that kind of energy. I wouldn't even know where to begin to be in someone's presence but be more lonely than ever.

I have no advice to give other than to DB like a madman, make a mockery of the silence. The more she ignores you, the harder you get after a new goal. GAL like you're possessed. Do something big like publish a book, enter a poetry contest, become a world class chef. Dive into a subject like your very life depended on it.

You're like the Paolo Coelho of this board anyway so there's an artistic master lying dormant in your life. I would love nothing more than to see your name at the top of the NY Times best seller list next year. Let the pain and cruelty of your W silent disdain for you fuel you to do something amazing.

Sending you lots of strength my friend, I know your D just left for school so your house must be lonely. Whatever it is that you decide to do to fill your time this winter, know you've got a huge fan out here on the warmer coast.

PP

Thanks PP but don't rush her out the door. She leaves Christmas Day evening. A week in Budapest, NYE in Berlin and Prague. Then London and University of Edinburgh till May. So after Friday I don't see her till the end of May. That's why I am not here so much.

I have noticed a subtle change in my wife over the last 2 weeks. I have not mentioned it because I did not think it would last. She will now engage me in brief conversation in household matters or about the children. That is not new news, what is, is she will start the conversations. Before she would talk to the kids, answer my questions with as few words as possible and hide in her room.

This is a change from the behavior of the last six months. I do not believe for one second that she is warming up to me as much as I want that. Regardless of her reason, it presents an opportunity for me. With her willing to talk with me more then before, I can now respond more frequently with validation. I believe validating someone's thoughts and feelings will have a positive impact on said relationship. Whatever happens in the end at least I went down on my feet, trying to have the marriage survive. I owe that to her and myself. Be well