Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis His 2nd MLC and I am driving the other way!

Hi Mona - welcome and sorry you find yourself here.

Wow, you have really been through the meat grinder. I am so impressed that you did the hard work of building a successful career for yourself. That is truly admirable!

Obviously, all your feelings of loneliness are normal. It is very perceptive that you are connecting the chaos of your family of origin to wanting someone to make you feel safe.

You have said you are here for support. Well, here is mine.

This is the time in your life where you've come to a fork in the road. You recognize on a deep level why you feel unsafe. You have lots of choices. However, I will be honest here. You are in a very vulnerable place right now. You can go look for other people to be your rock. But, secretly you will always be scared you will lose that rock, too.

You have to become your own rock. This is the key to finding true "safety." Then, you alone hold the key to your way of life. You can do this! In the process you save yourself and you pattern survival to your kids.

My advice is this: think about what you would want your kids to do in this same situation. Then, pattern that. It is easy to fall into "little girl mode" when we have troubled family of origin issues. You have the opportunity here to show your kids how to handle adversity.

I think it probably starts with accepting the feelings you have about wanting to feel safe. There is probably tremendous processing that needs to go into all that. And, rather than looking for someone to fix those feelings for you, in the long run, if you put the time and energy into controlling those feelings now, you build your own fortress.

HaWho,

Thank you for your advice. That was the advice I got last time and I think I learned how to be my own rock. But I am just so tired right now.

But I made it through this mess last time by stopping my thoughts like I know everything best and following advice here, even when I thought I just cant. So i will try and listen again. this really really stinks that I cant use another person.

I guess since my family is the cause of my feelings of being unsafe, the practical thing would be to move away from them. I do not have to move to the moon. Even the house next door would separate me enough that I feel safe again.

The earliest I can do this is March. I can hang on until March. I won't feel safe, but I can survive until I do feel safe.

Mona,
I wasn't surprised that you didn't follow my advice. I'm sorry you are still reacting to his bait, but you'll get there again, just as you did the first time around.

I agree w/HaWho on all that she has posted. You need to start w/yourself and become your own rock and not rely on someone else to be that rock or make you feel safe. If it means moving out in a few months and you can afford it, by all means do so.

Maybe it's time to seek out a support group to discuss your concerns about safety. Sometimes talking to others will help us find the solutions that we seek to help along the way.

BTW, no one is saying to wait 3 years for your h. In fact, you can leave the door ajar, but you continue on w/your life. No one knows if he'll wake up or continue hopping down the bunny path for the rest of his life.

Mona, you are a strong woman and I know that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish whatever is set before you. This is the time to become reacquainted w/Mona and learn what truly makes Mona tick. You don't need someone else to be a crutch while you are learning about yourself.

HaWho has given you some excellent advice. Please re-read what she's posted and think about what you would tell your children if they were walking in your shoes. You definitely have the opportunity to show your children how to handle adversity.