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Sooo... I think I did something very stupid last night.

My wife claims she's trying to work on our marriage, but I know that she's been in contact with the OM, and has recently texted him that she loves him (about a week ago). I try not to let it bother me, but it pisses me off since she can't say that to me. Although I suppose I should be happy that she has enough integrity to not say she loved me when she doesn't....

In this backdrop, I noticed that my wife seemed to be pulling away from me again. She sorta stays in the room with me while we watch TV/hang with the kiddos, but she isn't really connecting with any of us and lately she spends most of the time asleep. Yup, it's like she's pulling a reverse DB on me. My mistake is that I told her I noticed last night. Nothing dramatic, no mention of my fears (apparently justified) that she was still in contact with the OM, or that her attachment to the OM doomed our R. I was calm. Composed. Made direct eye contact. I just asked if we could set aside 1 hour for each other over the weekend because I felt we were drifting a bit.

Why the hell did I ask for 1 hour of quality time? I absolutely don't want to have a R talk. Not now, at least. WTF was I thinking? Partially, I know one of her LL is quality time. And I think I was trying to be more assertive at declaring when things seem off. But as soon as I said it, my brain started freaking out and yelled at me to STFU. But it was too late....

So now I'm stuck dealing with what I said. What think you? Good move? Bad Move? If I messed up, how do I salvage the situation? What is my best course of action?

I'm thinking of just having a normal conversation about safe topics: work, kids, logistics for her parents coming to town. Problem is we talk for about 15-30 minutes every night when she comes home from work so it might be tough to come up with new conversation....

SciDad, you did not mess up but you could if you spend that 1 hour talking. Get a babysitter and take W out somewhere fun, maybe a nice restaurant or something festive for the holidays? There has to be a really pretty "fun" spot, maybe an outdoors shopping area beautifully decorated for christmas, or one of those Germany styled christmas markets, take her out somewhere festive, buy her a hot chocolate, look at decorations, heck, maybe ice skate? Do something fun and active and NOT involving talking. Maybe buy a special present together for the kids? Something that will be a big surprise for them, something that you two will have fun selecting together? Go for a horse and buggy ride!

Use the holiday season to your advantage, go out and make a memory, do NOT talk.
And get dressed up!

Wouldn't that be pursuing? I really like the idea of creating good memories for us and what you're suggesting is exactly what I want, but I'm totally torn.

It's tough since I don't know where my wife is with her EA. I'm almost positive they are not spending any direct time together lately, but they could be texting. And if they are connected like that I doubt a "date night" is a good idea. Am I totally wrong? Or over interpreting your suggestion?

Yes it would be pursuing but better than talking. OK, what if you took her out to get a surprise for the kids? You already told her you want an hour of her time. She is expecting a talk. You know that will only get you into trouble. Grab her and do something for the kids- go get them a puppy or an xbox or something. Tell her you want to make their christmas extra special since this is potentially the last one you'll have as a family ( got that one from GB.) But be pleasant and fun about it?

Or, just tell her something came up, you need to cancel that hour and do something on your own?

IDK SciDad, I am trying to be helpful but I am probably going to end up divorced so what do I know? All I know is you don't want to talk about your R with her at any cost.

What about just driving around (even with the kids) looking at xmas lights and listening to xmas songs on the radio? Then going out for dinner? If she asks or I feel ballsy I'll use GB's suggestion - it certainly is true. It would also be nice to have family xmas time before the inlaws show up on Christmas day.

As for your possible D: STFU, STFU, STFU!

It is what it is and you are/were dealing with things that were so far from your fault. If you do end up getting divorced it's got absolutely nothing to do with anything you've said or done. And so you know, I actually think you're not in as bad a situation as you think. It's just a VERY complicated situation

Hi SciDad, agree that you should do anything but talk.

Is your W pulling away from you specifically or from the family in general? If she is pulling away from you specifically, then you really shouldn't be trying to convince her otherwise. I was emotionally detached from my X during the M at one point in time and the more he tried to spend time with me, the more I resisted. And it really reinforced the fact that I didn't enjoy his company then.

So I would say, activities with the family would be the safer route?

Thank you SciDad. I wish my H could talk to you. Or any of the guys on this forum. Maybe I will leave him at a rest stop in NJ on our next trip north and you can go have a talk with him for me. I will gladly talk to your Wife in exchange.

I feel like its hopeless because there is more I can't say on this forum. I've said it in my past life. But he's got to figure that out on his own.

SciDad,

I like the idea of a Xmas outing with the kids for your quality time. You prob shouldn't have mentioned it at all, as you know but that idea is a good recovery

This is the key. And the reason I say all is not lost. It's simply out of your hands right now. He will soon have the space he needs to choose (or choose not to) look inward.

Meanwhile, you get to rediscover what it's like to be Fo. And you even get to share a little of it with your kids - that is a real blessing

Hey Grl, (I wish you could hear the voice I use in my head when I type that)

I think she's withdrawing more from me, but not all the time. I like to think it's because she's conflicted so she alternates between withdrawing and getting closer, but who the hell knows at this point?

So yeah, I think I really like the family time idea. I also think it will be really fun