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Scrant, great work with detachment. When my H asks me about the new job, I wish I could say the same. Just so used to telling my former best friend everything.

Thanks for posting.

Hi Scrant, I definitely feel you are going about things the right way. From what you post, your W is a little curious and that's a good thing.

I would say keep building up GAL activities and extending yourself, minimising interactions with your W but keeping them pleasant. I would say the gentle ending of a convo when she starts asking about you is just the right way to handle things. Without any meanness, you are conveying - Hey, you chose to move in with someone else - you don't get to hear about my life any more...mine is mine and yours is yours now. There is no ours. And all of that is done gently, and more firmly if needs be - but never meanly.

There is a wise poster in the MLC area of the forum (well many wise posters actually) but AJM always seems to post things that resonate with me. He posted along the lines of - your imperatives now are threefold - live a good life, be a good father, be a good man.

I think it is then a case of defining what 'good' means to you in all of those areas. Then you can solidify 'good' into some definite goals and move forward with those. See, none of that is about your W and her choices. And I think if you stay on that path you can't go too far wrong. Your W however may not like this and may not want to lose 'control' of you. She may try (and is trying I think) to pull you on to her path. But her path is a rocky road where you are in a triangulated position with OM in the picture. So, stay on your own path and leave her to her own road for now.

You're doing very well for someone so early in to this process. Take care xx

Thanks all of you for the encouragement. She rang to exchange cars today. Asked if I wanted to meet for breakfast. I said no thanks. We met in the garage. She came up and said" Aren't you going to give me a kiss". I just leaned in,as is the custom here, and gave her a brief peck on both cheeks. She looked both surprised and amused. She asked what I was going to do this weekend, I said I had plans, wished a safe trip and asked her to let me know which day she was coming back in case I was busy when she returned. Of course I miss her and there are times I wish I could turn and talk to her but she's not here. Who knows if she ever will be? All I can do is follow the good advice of people here and some friends. Everyone who I talk to doesn't see her desire to have everything as normal and they all encourage me to lead my own life. It's not easy, today I know she'll be with her family trying to sell her view of the affair/OM but I've realized I'm hundreds of miles away and can't affect her words or actions. I'm finally aware I can only be me. That's hard enough at the moment, especially without S around.

Had a long four day weekend where I have done some GAL activities but also been alone. This evening W gave back car. A very brief exchange. I texted a photo of S on his trip to her Dad and hoped he had had a good time with his daughter. When he started talking about they had come for dinner and he loved his daughter but thought she was making a mistake I realized she had taken OM to meet the family. Something two months ago she said she wouldn't do ( they lie!) She had stayed with family friends. I spoke to a couple of friends and agreed to text W briefly saying I didn't know why she had gone throught the theatre of collecting the car with her suitcase only to then go home to collect him! I thought she had said she was tired of lying! She rang me saying she couldn't remember if she had said I or we but anyway it was better not to tell because then I hadn't spent all the time thinking about them. I just briefly said ok, I'm eating, good night. Told parents who were furious with another example of her lies and couldn't believe he is accepted into her family. They urged me to cut with in laws something which I'm not going to do. I know it doesn't make any difference to my situation but just felt like another kick in the teeth. Friends trying to encourage me to forget it and move on. Just feels hard and unfair. Everyone says how well I've done with S for so many years, how I'm too nice but all I can feel at moment is where has it got me? W living with OM and me trying to live each day.

Hi Scrant - all cheaters lie - period. I'm sorry you had another discovery...that's not very nice. However, in DB terms I think it is best to draw back from raising things like this with your W. Try and accept the need to live your life and let her live hers. If she wants to do this or that, it needn't impact on you. Try and focus on your own plans and how you will move forward yourself. I know it is hard and it's early days for you too.

As for your FIL, he has probably met OM reluctantly and I wouldn't let that impact on your R with him. Now you say you've been too nice all these years...have you read NMMNG - that assumption that 'being nice will get me somewhere' is a central theme of the book.

Take care my friend xx

Thanks Sotto. Your words always cheer me up. I am a bit slow today. What is NMMNG?

You're welcome Scrant...glad to help a little my friend.

NMMNG is No More Mr Nice Guy - I read it recently and would recommend it, as many posters here do. If you read it, you'll see that your quote about being nice never got you anywhere is a really important theme.

xx

How does everyone cope with dreams? Hasn't been a night where she hasn't appeared in a least one dream. This morning woke up dreaming that she was kissing me and saying she still loves me. Makes it hard to start the day. Still churning over her theatre with the car swap. I know I just have to focus on me, trying to. Took some food I cooked into work, very successful. Also met up on a couple of occasions with friends who I hadn't seen for a while. Told them the whole story, nice to get more support. Having problems dealing with the idea W's family and friends already meeting OM . They have been so supportive of me up til now. Feel a little hurt but have decided silence is sometimes the best policy. S still enjoying his trip, tends to text me directly rather than use Family group much. W keeps asking for information. After her call the other day she has left me alone. We both know she lied.

These are the things I'm struggling with as well at the moment.

Just received text from W inviting me and S to join her and a few of her family for her a birthday lunch on the 1st January. Haven't replied yet. Instinct is to say thanks. I hope S goes but no thanks from me. W doesn't seem to have noticed I don't initiate contact and she is now living with OM