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Chris texted me yesterday and asked if I wanted to see him on Christmas. His kids will be gone, my kids will be gone.

I sent him a text saying I would love to come over, but I am only looking for friendship and I want nothing more, and if he is not Okay with that then I should not come over.

He texted me that he completely agrees. I am so glad because sitting here alone all day on Thanksgiving was terrible. That was probably why I lashed out at my H the day after.

Chris works for the gov't like I do, so I was able to look him up. He has all of his clearances and his FBI record is clean

I am very excited.

H made no contact since Thursday when he tried to get me sign my D. He couldn't care less what my plans are for Christmas. I am assuming he will go to my sister's again, but I don't really care where he goes.

I did not get all of my school work done yesterday as I wanted, but I got a lot done. I wrote 25 pages of my report and I had to stop. I just have to finish it today, I just have to! I am submitting my second book to the publisher today and I will be done with them until after the holidays. Christmas shopping is 80% done and wrapped. I cant do the last until I get my last paycheck before christmas.

So I am feeling mostly okay right now. I wish I would not have put off my school work so badly because there is no reason for this additional stress right now. But I can fix it by finishing it before Friday.

I get my annual evaluation at work today, in an hour. My boss will let me know how I do my job. I belong to a union so I don't get a raise with my eval. My pay is under contract for the next few years i think. But it is still a nice piece of stress before christmas. I am glad my boss is not a talker, it will last less than 30 minutes and I can get back to my life.

I have a low meeting day so I should have time to visit everyone's threads!

Good luck at your eval Mona!

And I read your "blow up" at your H. Sounds completely human to me. DB'ing is so counter to how we really feel and what we really want to say that holding yourself to the standard of perfection isn't a great one. IMO it's ok to lose your [censored] every once in a while in extreme circumstances and these are extreme circumstances.

Tread lightly with the new guy, even though you're both after friendship, you're still in a vulnerable place. What looks attractive even for friendship now is going to be filling a void that you is there, especially around the holidays. Nothing wrong with companionship in difficult times, just realize that the draw for more may be heavy despite your best intentions.

Still amazes me how much you get done...

PP

I am happy for you Mona, you have a new friend. I'm second PigPen's thoughts. Think of us as your brothers looking out for their sister.

Mona, good luck on your eval and on your "date" with Chris. I hope you have a great Christmas, and I am glad you have a friend to share it with.

Good luck with your eval. I doubt you'll need it though, sounds like you're killing it at work.

I seriously don't know how you get all that stuff done. I'm tired just reading about it.

I'm insanely jealous you have someone like Chris to text. Even if it's just a little harmless flirting, would ki!! for some male attention right now.

Please update us on all the praise you got at work.

post here before you mess up...
post here before you mess up...

I did it! I STFU and I am posting here.

My H has me in inch away from saving him.

My mom asked me how my kids were getting to and from my sister's house on christmas. I dont speak to my sis, so I am not taking them, plus I will be gone that day once they leave. She asked me to ask H.

So I sent him a text yesterday at 3 in the afternoon. He never replied. So I sent him another (nice) text this morning.

Now, I am using every inch of my self control to NOT save him, but it is practically impossible.

H: I don't know if I am going to your sis' house, I will let you know today.

Me: Oh, didn't you go there for Thanksgiving?

H: Yes. But felt extremely awkward.

Me: I can imagine. OK, well how about this

Me: I can ask mom to drive them

Me: You get them and take them to your house when you are ready to spend time with them, or, I wont be home so you can spend time with them at their house.

H: I dont have any presents for them Mona

H: I have no food to feed them or anything to drink except water.

Me: I'm sorry. But I bet they still want to see you. And I bet they won't care if they cant eat. Or, you can come to my house, but my mom may be there, I have no idea.

H: I'll let you know. I am so ashamed that I have nothing for them.

Me: I understand you feel bad. But they wont care. Really, your kids were not raised that spoiled.

H: I'll let you know

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So, here are my mixed feelings...

First, I did not save him! Every single cell in my body is screaming for me to save him. he|| I can go to the dollar store and buy 3 small trinkets for 3 bux. I can also actually buy three real gifts for him to give the kids.

Then the food remark hit me so far below the belt. I was ready to buy him groceries AND cook him food! I did neither.

So I am patting myself on the back.

Next, I did not even once tell him how he should feel or argue with his feelings. I was going to say he should not feel ashamed, instead I offered how the kids might feel.

Although I wanted to, so very badly, I did not criticize him for not getting his children a gift, so I am going to do it here, now...


How dare he! what a huge %^$%&* ^(^&^%$*&). Right now he is smoking a cigg at 7 bux a pack telling me he has no money for my kid's christmas presents???? S12's bday was a few days ago and jerkface got him NOTHING.

whatever... out of my control.

Okay, rant is over back to my mixed feelings. My kids are about to be upset. Their father did not get them anything. It is possible they will be crushed. How do I help THEM? Do I let H do what he wants then try to explain to them later that he really does love them, he is just not himself right now? I doubt my words will make them feel better really. It will only make me feel better thinking I did every thing I could.

I can prevent them from feeling unloved, but I can only do that by saving him. I am not supposed to save him. And I am positive I am not using my children as an excuse to save him right now. I cant bear the thought of my children going to school and saying "My dad did not get me anything" to their friends. I can't bear the thought of them getting hit again with a feeling of unwanted.
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I want to fast forward until after christmas.

Christmas A is where I buy three presents for him.

The day after Christmas is here... My kids are normal, no major issues. My H is still not talking to me. And now that I saved him, he will think he is safe in his tunnel because I can just help him when he gets in trouble. He stays in his tunnel for an extra year...

Christmas B is where I do not save him.

The day after Christmas is here... My kids' christmas was ruined. Their daddy did not even show up. Or he showed up but forgot about them. They get mad at me because it is my fault daddy doesnt want them. Or worse, they feel like they are bad and dont deserve a present.

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Will this shame be enough to break through and help him change his behavior toward his children? If I allow this bad thing to happen could it help him wake up to the fact that he is a father? I am not even talking about my M right now. I am talking about my children, the most important people walking the earth.

I wont do anything until you guys can shed some light on the correct path...

Dearest PP, wonderful mut, beautiful Gmum and my new friend Fo. 2,

Thanks for stopping by!

Eval went OK. My boss is a lot like me in some ways. So she knows exactly what I need to hear. This is going to sound vain, but when it comes to my job, I want to be elite. I do not want to be good with computers, I want to be a master at them. I cant help it. My boss is sort of like that. She is elite at databases. So she knew just what to say that wasn't puffy praise that I don't need to hear, or criticism that does not apply to me. So she structured perfect goals for me in the eval for the coming year. I was actually excited to get to work today and get started.

No news on new guy. I have not even texted him at all yesterday. Just keeping a safe distance.

OMG... I have been watching a show on HBO every night that has me cracking up. I love funny shows because they help me remember how to be happy. This show has me cracking up during the day too when I recall scenes. It is a completely inappropriate show for children, so I have to sneak episodes

Our dryer broke so my mom ordered a new one, but I cant do laundry until tomorrow. So I am saving all of my good outfits just in case there is a problem. I want to look good when I see people. So yesterday I put on my fat jeans. Big mistake. I also lost my favorite eyeliner. For you men out there, that would be like losing your favorite socket set or wrench...
So, of course, my secret crush Brian stopped by the house. I will tell you why I am head over heels for Brian. He just makes me laugh and laugh. He came with his girlfriend, whom I also love to death. I tried to hold my 11 lb dog to hide the fact I was wearing fat jeans LOL. I tried to talk him into a dance I am going to on Sunday. Chris will be there and I want Brian's opinion on Chris and I want to see Chris's reaction to how Brian and I interact. There is harmless flirting and Chris can help me see if it is too much. Although, Brian acts the exact same way with every other woman in our group and they seem ok like I am.

Mona,
Trust me, the man has food that he can fix for the children...or better yet, he can take them out for fast food. There are some places that are open on Christmas Day. Trust me, your h won't go hungry.

I'm extremely proud of you...you didn't save him. Don't! He made his bed, now let him lie in it. I think your h was looking for you to say that he didn't have to see the children. He may have wanted to be alone or w/someone else. Gosh, the man used every excuse in the book from, no food, no gifts, to not going to your sister's.

How to deal w/this w/your children. Sit them down and explain to them that dad is living in a small place and is paying rent and doesn't have the funds this year to purchase them gifts. You can state that he loves them very much, but money isn't going very far in paying his expenses this year. It's best to tell them up front so that they aren't asking questions or being disappointed when staying w/their father.

Congratulations on the evaluation!

Snod, I will try very very hard to listen to this. I have to admit, this just feels so wrong. The stupid part of my brain is screaming that if I save him he will love me. But I am way stronger than the stupid part of my brain

On a side-note... Your words:
"I'm extremely proud of you...you didn't save him."
THANK YOU.

Mona, I am really proud of you. I know you well enough now to know that it took (and is probably still taking) everything you have not to rush in and save H. Don't. I agree with job. He used every excuse in the book NOT to get the kids for Christmas. He needs to feel ashamed if he didn't even bother to think about saving a few extra dollars to remember his kids on Christmas. You don't have to spend a lot just to let someone know you were thinking about them. Bad dad! Bad!

Congrats on the evaluation! I'm happy that you're excited about your goals.

One more time - do not give in to the impulse to save H. You're really good at that. He needs to grow up.

PS: What show are you watching? I need some laughs.