Just journaling to clarify my own thoughts. Picking up on some questions KAW raised about a month ago, and I was in no shape to deal with then
Quote: Since the EA/PA is a symptom of the what H felt was causing a rift between the two of you, has he ever mention what he felt was pulling the two apart or at least are troubling him? Are these part of the splendid list of goals you posted?
Alas, they are not part of my goals for the simple reason that to this day, H maintains that the A was just for pleasure, that there was/is nothing wrong with our R However, by getting him to open up about his interactions with OW, my deduction is that OW made him feel valued, loved (H often says she is 'besotted' with him) and young - she is light.
Quote: Its great the your H vows he will never leave, but has he expressed a desire to work at M to try to make it better?
Well, at the most intense moments of A, H told OW that he was going to chuck his job in, and spend 6 months taking me away to work on our M - later he decided against this as the A cooled down, and he feels that he and I are working through our M ok. aarrgghh. I do think we have much work to do, and perhaps he is right in that going away to work on it would be too much pressure. But I just wish he did not keep repeating that everything is ok between us. Admittedly 95% of the time we are ok, but this damned continuing relationship is really frustrating.
In a strange way, I shall always be grateful for this 'crisis' as it has forced me out of my lazy attitude to life, has forced me to grow emotionally and yes, spiritually too. But you won't catch me confessing this to H
Any thoughts on how I can get H to help us both confront our demons? It's not quite dbing, to examine the whys, but I do feel that his continued denial is holding up us moving on to a better place. Thanks everyone, for caring. Slowly
Wanted to start today on a forward looking positive note. It is a beautiful morning here, I'm happy to be alive. Been reading up on some stuff, and came across this site Lessons 4 Living
"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love." Caroline Adams
Life truly is not a series of destinations, but a continuous journey. I'm happy to have discovered compassionate fellow voyagers. Have a great week, everyone. Slowly.
Slowly, I am so grateful for the support and guidance you have given me on my thread. Today I am pouring over your thread...it is so chock full of great concepts and real strategies to "get at" the core issues that drive our situations.
You seem to be steadily progressing and your H says he is willing to work on the M. This to me, is huge. I guess, when you see yourself "crazymaking" you might be able to ground yourself in the knowledge that so much of what you are doing is working.
Anyway, I don't feel quite ready to lend a lot of advice...still have SO much more to learn from reading your thread over here. Thanks.
[expect nothing from H - you know, I'm actually happy doing this, except I think OW is influencing him big time with her expectations. I'm really in two minds about how long is long enough to expect nothing - any thoughts
Hi Slowly, Think of it this way. Now SHE is the demanding one...Eventually, he will tire of her and YOU will be the REFRESHING ONE!!!
I'm with Karen on this one. Just keep up your successful DBing....stay strong, stay on the courageous journey...learn grow and appreciate all the good in your life. You are moving forward and help many of us along the way. How cool is that?!?
Thanks for stopping by everyone. Maya, I guess we ALL have a lot to learn, and I'm determined my learning will be a positive experience, not something to be dreaded. Karen and Mooka - I so needed to hear this, that continuing to db is what i should do. Thank you, thank you.
I've been up since 3 this morning, though both H and I have slept DEEPLY since 9 after you-know-what Been visiting my fav threads, and wow, mostly folks are doing well. Sitches may not have changed much, but WE seem to be coping better - yeah. Time to do my daily journal. Ciao for now.
Mondays are always lousy days for me, H and OW have major catch up after weekend But, I'm focusing on me, trying very hard to, anyways.
Positives + had a great time IMing(is this now a proper word ) with cousins in Oz. Caught up on family gossip. Nice. + friend from school is showing her artwork mid-June in London. Made plans to be there for support. Should be fun. + H calles fm work a couple of times, he seemed a bit tense, I just acted as if all's well. We had a nice dinner, our usual Monday night pizza. and retired early
Negatives - during one of his calls, H tells me that OW is having a hard time dealing with the fact that he and I are continuing our life, going places, seeing friends, having fun. Not sure what this means. I refrained from reacting. Not going to touch this one. Juts going to keep swimming
- advert for our flat sale at the weekend elicited NO responses, so need to chat with estate agent and strategise better
JUst slowing down, focusing on me, and worrying about one problem at a time. Glad to have this platform to vent Have a great Tuesday, everyone. Slowly
Confessions of a former control freak and crazymaker.
Karen asked how i cornered H. Well, it can happen with large or small issues. For example, weekly grocery shopping. H actually likes to be involved in menu planning and even shopping. But is not always organised. Soo, I am quite happy deciding what we'll eat, buy the stuff, and then just tactlessly tell him that it's done, and THEN fret about whether the menu for week is ok, take out angst on him, imply that because he was not available, I HAD to make decisions, and btw, WHY was he not available...
With major issues, it could be our annual holidays. H likes to take his time to decide. I don't like to pay full fare for flights, so prefer to book early. Many times, I've gone ahead, booked, waited for him to confirm decision, then produce tickets as if i just acted on decision. SOMETIMES, final decision is different from tickets I bought earlier (gambles don't always pay off) so then my 'invented' crisis gives me a platform to 'sell' new destination/package to him. Sooo much stress for me, which I'm sure manifests in other undesirable traits.
No more. Even if procrastinating bankrupts us, I'm sticking to my 180 of letting H be the leader. I've discovered he is VERY good at this, once i back off. Am getting better at wool gathering (I'm not sure this term translates, it means day dreaming)
No more. Even if procrastinating bankrupts us, I'm sticking to my 180 of letting H be the leader. I've discovered he is VERY good at this, once i back off.
YES! This is the biggest lesson for me in MY situation, as well. It feels SO much better too, when they have taken responsiblity for things like vacations, etc. And YOU deserve to be taken care of!
I learn SO much reading your thread. And I am going to follow your lead in listing the positives, etc. Keep it up, SLOWLY!
Wow, you realize how empowering this realization is? I'm so proud of you for considering how everything fit in place with the former process. Good for you!
This is EXACTLY the cure for this problem, Slowly. It took me a whole lot longer to accept this and do it. Awesome.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
However, by getting him to open up about his interactions with OW, my deduction is that OW made him feel valued, loved (H often says she is 'besotted' with him) and young - she is light. 
