Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again the journey is the reward

Slowly,

I'm honored, and the pleasure is all mine! I've come to the conclusion (a long time ago) that nothing in life is a coincidence... so our paths have crossed for a reason.

D7's best friend is a little girl with Aspergers, which is a form of autism. I'm learning more and more about the ASD every day. My hats off to parents who deal with it. They say (whoever THEY are) that God gives you what you need and only what you can handle. I'm pretty sure He knows what He is doing.

And please feel free to jump into our pool anytime. If you have any specific reading materials that you think might help, please feel free to make recommendations. I haven't read all of them...

My next is one that Triple J recommended. So I'll be off to Borders tomorrow morning after my workout.

Hope things are well in Jolly England. My mom has been trying to give me a trip over the pond (she thinks it's what I need) for a few months now. I wish I could take her up on it! My cousin lives in London--she's a nurse--and my other cousin just left London to head back to his native Sydney. Maybe I'll just show up one of these days?

Take care and have a great weekend.

Betsey

haven't seen you on here in a couple of days and just wanted to make sure you are ok.
Take care
Believe LL2F

Hi Believe LL2F - I've been reading and not posting that much - been enjoying being a bit introspective I've just seen an incredible post on one of deb's older threads, and as I know it will boost my PMA, I'm copying it here for easy access.

Quote:

---

I'm really trying to put OW clear out of my mind....is it really possible to get there? How?????? I guess I kind of think that will be big turning point for me, if not for M.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The answer is YES, absolutely. Eventually you will come to understand that the OW was nothing more than a misguided attempt by your H to sooth his emotional pain. OWs/OMs are nothing more than their trying to re-write history, they are trying to re-capture the experience they had when they first met and fell in love with us....they persue the relationship like an addict seeks out their next fix....and like an addict while it feels good in the moment...it makes them feel like shi$ in the long run. When you think of the OW...feel sorry for her poor dumb pitiful a$$ because she sold her moral core, her dignity, her self respect and esteem to have hidden moments with another woman's man and in the process KNEW that SHE was tainted not special. SHE could have been anyone and I mean absolutely anyone that willingly made themselves available to man lost in pain and confusion. She's NOT someone to envy, in fact, she's someone to pity for her extremely desperate and low self esteem. Any woman that will settle for another woman's sloppy seconds has already decided that she's not good enough to attract a whole and healthy man on her own so she circles the injured MM like a shark waiting to strike...how sad and pathetic for her. T2

---

Thanks, T2 - this is just what we LBSs need to hear

Hi Betsey - If you ever make it across to England, I so hope we get to meet

My brother and his wife are doing well with autistic nephew - he is on the Lovas course, it is draining them financially, but has dramatically improved the child's communication skills. And this little boy has made such a difference to all of us, like your D7, he alone has been able to make us stop and think about what we are doing with our lives, and that it is possible to love and expect nothing in return.

I've stopped by at Central Perk today, tackled Meredith's 5 steps, and discovered I have more work to do with digging deep as opposed to skimming the surface of my emotions Part of the challenge is that as a business analyst, I've spent years getting better at summarising, and now I need to learn the opposite skillset.

Ah well, I am an enthusiastic traveller on this journey of self awareness I hope everyone's weekend is peaceful and joyous. Slowly.

Sorry its been a bit ... been keeping up ... but with the great support group you have developed, I've had little to add.

You sound great ... like the rollercoaster ride is no longer throwing you for a loop-de-loop.

'til later,
KAW

Slowly...
Just wanted to let you know that I am getting so much great wisdom from your post. THANKS! T2, KAW and others are giving so much of themselves. I've printed some of the last posts for my reference point.

This detachment stuff is HUGE....and the clearer way to think of the OW...Wow, that is exactly...the right way to realize their pitiful position.

Just wanted you to know your sharing of yourself is helping me too.

Mooka

Hi slowly.

Just sayiing hi and seeing how you are going. You have really got me thinking about the respect issue with H too. At times we seem to look over some of the simplest things in our Rs with out realising.

Stay positive.

Zinta

Hi KAW, I'm so happy to see you back Yes, since posting here for just over a month, I seem to finally get it about patience, and taking baby steps - certainly less fretful than I used to be

Hi Mooka - I'm glad my gyrations have been helpful.

Hi Zinta - Good to see you here too.

Well, H and I have had a mixed weekend, lots of fun with friends, but also the undercurrent of his continued contact with OW. For now, I'm happy to let things ride as there seems to be work to be done on ME Just to help me keep things in one place, here is my post from Friends Season 2

Quote:

---

It's Saturday afternoon here in sunny England, and I feel strong enough to tackle Meredith's steps. The discussion on crazymaking has been wonderful, but 12 years with the nuns (went to Catholic school) has nurtured an over developed sense of responsibility, and love for homework


Step 1: Acknowledge the addiction!
My name is Slowly, and I am a crazymaker

Step 2: Identify when you crazymake and why
I caught myself first at work, where in order to prove how valuable I was to the organisation, I'd let things develop into a crisis, then bust a gut to fix the sitch. In the past week, I've come to the realisation that to provoke any reaction from my passive/aggressive H, I've been crazymaking for YEARS, but more so since he confessed to a PA

Step 3: Accepting your behaviors (and your spouse's return behaviors) for what they ARE and not what they SEEM.
Hmmm, tough one. Am I so lacking in self esteem that I need the manufactured sitch to create validation? Ugh. At home, mostly my crazymaking provokes NO response from H, which then triggers a nasty cycle of attention seeking, and him feeling cornered. BAD, BAD, BAD

Step 4: Discover ways to achieve your crazymaking goals without crazymaking
Things at work are sorted. I stopped this crisis-creation a couple of years ago, confident that my contributions are accepted without me having to re-establish them every day At home, my self confidence is frankly at an all time low, so I need to exert extraordinary energies to not seek validation. sigh.

Step 5: Maintaining your own happiness in a state of rough or calm independently
Working on this. Have come a long way in the past 6 weeks, but still very much work-in-progress

Feedback welcome, folks. Slowly

---

Karen812 asked some questions that makes me think I need to look deeper.

Quote:

---

Slowly, why the low self-esteem at home? You may have been over this before, so forgive me, but what can you do to make yourself feel better? Sometimes for me if something is bothering me about the house ie huge attacking dust bunnies on the wood floors, it helps just to tackle the job. Are things weighing on you? I'm glad you are doing better at your job!! How do you corner your h?

---

And so I will. Later. It's Sunday, I'm going visiting cyber friends for now. Plenty of time to get serious later Slowly

Slowly;

I just wanted to stop by and give you my best wishes. In following some of your posts on other threads you always have such great words of advice and seem to be doing so well in your own sitch. I admire and respect that in you. Just thought it never hurts to hear some well wishes from around the board.

Totally

Hi Totally - Thanks so much for stopping by, you are so right, it is such a boost to have support from fellow dbers
H and I had an R chat a couple of hours ago, about the fact that H wants to continue 'friendship' with OW I pretty much tried to understand, but pointed out calmly that it would be difficult for me to share my life with someone who was still emotionally engaged elsewhere. I tried to explain that even now I feel somewhat inhibited with him, which seemed to take him aback somewhat, because as far as he is concerned, our R has never been better I had a bit of a sleepless night last night, going down cheeseless tunnels, so really need to refocus on my goals before the 'rottzalyzations'

re-connect with my family - it has been great, caught up with mom, need to spend more time with brother this week.

re-connect with friends - made some new ones this week, the conference I attended was great. Need to get back to some folks - looong overdue emails

expect nothing from H - you know, I'm actually happy doing this, except I think OW is influencing him big time with her expectations. I'm really in two minds about how long is long enough to expect nothing - any thoughts

continue efforts to sell flat - in the hands of agent - just hope it moves soon

learn from more experienced dbers - it has been a great week, exploring my crazymaking addiction. This board is truly a wonder

PMA - Flowboy's Limbo notwithstanding, I plan to have a ball this week. Getting the STOP signs out when thoughts of H and OW emerge, and moving on with new friends and new activities. Maybe some shopping. Got a trip to the continent coming up, away for a night, I will NOT think of what H and OW may be getting up to - instead I'll focus on ME enjoying the company of some very interesting and fun people who care about me

This journey does have its share of potholes, but to quote KAW, I'm learning to avoid being jarred too much. Slowly