Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She Wants Me to Leave 3rd Time .....EA or not EA?

OK, horse for courses sex wise.

So, you have some intel. Why don't you bring this up in a conversation? You know 'I really enjoyed doing a***' etc. and see if she opens up. Maybe she's just experimenting and doesn't think you'll be forthcoming.

Difficult when mixed in with a BD. Is she still talking about separation?

Huddy - thanks for dropping in and I see you are doing really well in your sitch. Staying strong, resisting the rope pull, but keeping your options open. Day by day mate.

I'm not bothered by the sex toys, I just wish I could take part!

The BDSM stuff is lightweight, cuffs, one item of bondage clothing, a rope etc BUT my biggest fear if that it needs two people to use that stuff and that could lead her to stray. I've set a few indicators on the cuffs, clothes etc which will let me know if she has used them.

This time last year she got into 50 shades books and then went to the movie in Feb this year, I think she has been exploring since then.

It's just another complication to DBing. If she thinks about R then she might always say to herself 'this guy can't satisfy me sexually' but he is a great husband and friend.. She is not getting younger and it's almost as if this is a form of MLC with sex being a big issue.

I am completely open to most sex acts and really enjoyed using the sexy lingerie and blindfold, cuffs etc in the past but
BDSM isn't spontaneous and involves a certain amount of Prep especially when two kids are in the house.

Anyway, last night I gave W another deluxe foot rub. It's about once a week now,

We are out at S11 carol concert in school tonight, another occasion that just the two of us are out together, without both kids, although it isn't a date, we will meet other parent friends.

I might try another foot rub tonight as I was told to reaches the female erogenous zones ? Can any ladies on here confirm ?

This answers my own question

Used for centuries to stimulate organs, reflexology restores the body’s natural balance and promote the healing process and can boost your sex life too.

The inside and outside of the ankles are sensitive spots with many nerve endings that correspond directly to the most important erogenous zones of the body; the vagina, penis, uterus and prostate.

The reflex areas located just below the ankle bones correspond to the ovaries and testicles, responsible for helping fertility, increasing libido and improving sexual performance.

The middle/upper part of the soles of the feet respond to the chest and can send waves of sexual energy to the breasts and nipples.

I soon as see 'Fifty Shades', I go all annoyed. My bud NDY and me have had W's who have read this s*** - it's not real girls!

It should be banned.

Here is the draft of a letter to W I wrote some time ago. I am thinking of hand writing it to her in the New Year.

Dear xxxx

4 years ago I wrote you a letter from my heart. This is another from my heart.

Over the last few years things have improved between us and I am a better man and I have you to thank for that. You opening my eyes to the miserable man I had become and changed me for good. Even now during these times I am learning to be a better man.

Since 2012 there have been obvious flaws in our marriage. I understand that it must be hard for you to express how you feel given my past history but it saddened me that you could not bring these fundamental issues to me so we could work on them as a team. I buried my head in the sand as I saw other aspects of our marriage working so well.

I see myself as a husband who supports his wife through all aspects of her life, work, family, socially, friends, culturely and in health and sport etc. I know I can still improve in some areas and I am working on those.

I knew in my heart all was not right and we didn’t address those issues. Real Love is real giving without expectation – that is the path we should have taken. You know that I love you. I show it in many ways. It takes two for a marriage to work and also for a marriage to fail and we have both tried to improve our marriage and work at it but have fallen short. We asked for change but didn’t sit down and discuss issues, to really open up to each other about our true inner needs and feelings.

We have 15 years invested in our relationship and marriage and our boys who are growing into beautiful examples of the qualities of us both. I truly believe we can have a good and lasting marriage, one which we can nurture and grow. If we show Real Love through acceptance, forgiveness and real giving and make vows to open up to each other and agree how to move forward then both of us would cherish our marriage. We would learn from our mistakes and move forward however this turns out.

I ask you to invest a small amount more in our marriage to see if we can make it work. It would work if we are fully committed to the task. I’m not saying it would be easy in fact it would be hard.

We have so much in common, from our boys to our tastes in food and art, culture, leisure time, a healthy lifestyle and the same moral values to give to our boys.

Sometimes the good times are hidden in the fog of the bad. When the fog lifts the good times shine through.

Love
xxxx

I am looking for opinions on content especially from female members of the forum. This is a aimed at a Walkaway Wife not a Wayward Wife.

Shelve that instantly. It sounds needy. Actions, not words (written in this case).

Ok Huddy - I will redraft it and represent it here in the New Year.

Tonight there was a small first since BD.

W asked me to give her a shoulder rub. She is feeling down, in her words 'depressed' since the weekend and started weeping a little. She blamed it on time of the month, tiredness,

There was no R talk, just me talking about stuff with PMA. Later we went to Christmas concert of S11, she was down, I was full of PMA. It was a little strained but otherwise ok.

Hey is, i am glad for you. I kniw physicsl touch is a big deal to you.

I just wany to recaution you on your expectations, it is essential to have none. It is easy to say that we dont have any expectatiins about our efforts improving iur marriages, especially when we see stuff like this...wife asks for sensual touch or even more. It will drive you crazy when you do, like "well last week after we did x, she asked for y, but nit this time....what is going on, why, why, why."

These efforts are great, so long as they do not get in your way of facing your reality, detaching, not hamging on too tight, working on you...whatever it is...OK?

Hi Zeph - physical touch is W's primary LL. mine is Quality time . I guess foot rubs and shoulder rubs serve us both well - we both get something out of it.

I have no expectations - in fact I fully expect another BD in theNew Year - when she says we can't live in this limbo , we must separate etc etc.

I have looked at my original W goals from about 2 months ago. I was told quite rightly to bin them and make goals for myself. I did that and made about 20 personal goals. - maybe I should review them soon.

But with regard to W goals it's interesting to look back and see how I have got on.

1. When W uses her nickname for me (affectionate nickname) more frequently either written or vocally.
She has used my affectionate nickname 5/6 times in the past month - it's getting more frequent.

2. When W says she would like Us/her to see an IC/MC Not achieved 

3. When W asks for a shoulder rub or foot massage. The most neutral form of physical touch. Achieved yesterday - she asked for a shoulder rub - previously I volunteered a shoulder rub or foot rub

4. When W compliments me on a positive change I have made since BD i.e. 'Your such a good father to the kids' - she has complimented me on my new clothes, and hairstyle, and has noticed I am more involved with the kids
5. When W wears her wedding band again. She wears her wedding band but not engagement ring
6. When W is 'happy' to go out with me at a function without the kids - even as 'friends'. She has asked to go to the movies and we went on a 5k run together

Not bad - all of these I would like to make more frequent - achieving them once means nothing - achieving them a dozen times is more meaningful - but no expectations!

So I had 3 snippets of positivity from W yesterday even though she is 'down and depressed' - her words

1. She asked me to do a shoulder rub - she was tearful but couldn't explain why.
Note: She has day off work today
2. 'She said 'it's a pity you are going away tomorrow - we could have had a James Bond afternoon' - I am working away and she would have liked to watch Quantum of Solace and Casino Royale together before booking Spectre over Christmas.
3. A button was lost off her new dress and I suggested looking for a replacement on the tags - she found one and said ' your not just a pretty face!'

Today W was still down and a bit grumpy. I went to get breakfast out and left her to take kids to school - she always wants to do it when off work as she misses doing school run. I wanted to get out of her way.

Later we met at school to go to kids event - initially she blanked me while talking to another mom - it annoyed me but I never pulled her up on it - not the time or place. The other mom greeted me and I got talking with both W and other mom. All good and me being chatty and positive.
Later in school , W leaned close to me smiling and asked if I was ok and was I grumpy because I didn't want to spend breakfast with her. I replied no she was grumpy and I like to relax and enjoy breakfast with coffee and newspapers.

I have had a great PMA last night and this morning being very chatty and engaging with others - I feel more confident when I am out with W and others that we know and around us.

She is the one who appears withdrawn and down - at least over the last 2 days.

I'm away on business overnight so I called home to say goodnight to the kids - my 180 in action.

W took the call and I asked her why she seemed to blank me at the school gates this morning. She defended herself said she was talking to another mum (she was). I said if I was any one of her friends she would have greeted me properly. She said sorry if I felt that way. Then I moved the convo on.
I made my point, expressed my feelings and moved on.

This is a 180 for me. I will not let her disrespect me whether she means to or not. I have called her on a few things she has said in the last few days - very minor stuff but ive made my point - I will not be trodden on.

She is very vulnerable - again she was crying on the phone, 3rd time in a week. Her Father is still in hospital, and lung cancer is suspected. Its 2.5 weeks now and he might not get out for Xmas. she is tired, down, depressed and anxious

W is very anxious and worried for him and feels helpless to help him 9we are both medical professionals) plus our sitch and Xmas stress and she is starting her period - she is one very stressed WAW.

I validated and tried to reassure her etc then spoke to kids and finished the convo.
Onwards towards tomorrow. DBing for life!