Hi slowly, just read through some of your thread here...I check up on you but don't post much....your sitch sounds so familiar though, and I'm every bit as torn and confused as you...H is loving and warm but still does hurtful things (OW) .... hard to keep on sometimes isn't it?
I think I need to try to find time to go thru more of underdogs threads.... take care of yourself, it sounds like you have many positives.
Slowly- I have been thinking that someone should link and post all Underdog's (and whoever else's) crazymaking threads for reference - maybe I should think about doing that at some point. Reading about her journey has made me cry before - it was SO ME! The journey out of crazymaking (for me) is a difficult one, with lots of tiny steps forward, and also a lot of steps back. It is hard work, but even being not so very far down the road to recovery as I am, it is worth the work. You are doing well - be patient with yourself, and accepting, while at the same time being willing to face some unpleasant truths about behavior patterns and work on changing those. You'll do fine, and we're all here for you! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Well, I hope it helps if you feel you must subject yourself to my horrid past.
The truth is, if it's terrifyingly close... it's probably a real problem. I'm sorry! However, I can safely say that although it's an addiction, I now have built enough triggers in my processes to avoid heading down that path.
Let me know if you have anything to share with me, because I'm not cured...
Take care!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Slowly- I have been thinking that someone should link and post all Underdog's (and whoever else's) crazymaking threads for reference
My 'take control' indulgence of the day - sorry myrhh here is the listing of threads i am going through - it is painful at times to accept our behavioural lapses - ugh
Hi everyone - Been an interesting few days Forcing myself back to reviewing positives and negatives, and keeping focused on goals.
Positives
+ H has been arranging evenings/dinners out with his visiting work mates. This is somewhat of a new thing, and he's been very attentive, including me in confidences etc
+ I've had terrific 3 days at work, our main client was in town, lots of compliments on the work we have done so far
+ Discovered Betsey's analysis of crazymaking, and found resonance. Lots to think about, some of my problems are definitely in my head
Negatives
- H continues to have daily conversations, emails with OW. He claims no meetings since 6 weeks ago, but who knows
Goals for the weekend
* We have a packed social diary - outing with H's work team, breakfast with family and lunch with friends. I WILL focus on enjoying the moment. No baggage from the past, no predicting the future
* Paperwork - with all this emotional drama, we've neglected the filing for some 6 months - we've promised each other 2 hrs of filing this weekend
* Fill H's love tank - I think his LLs are quality time and words of affirmation, though his PT has been awesome lately. I WILL continue to fill his tank.
Off to check up on the rest of the gang. Have a great weekend, dbers. Hugs, slowly
As I finish reading another of Betsey's threads, I'm acknowledging my lamentable habit of sweeping unpleasant realities under the carpet. SOoo, starting today, without interfering with the daily reviews re my sitch, I will also delve into lurking unpleasantness, bring them out honestly (thanks Bets for being an inspiring role model) and explore them with compassion.
Respect. I'm not sure I have always dealt with H with the respect he deserves. Partly due to impatience, and partly due to the fact that academically (yes, we met in school) and career-wise, I've had a better run so far. I need to reflect on specific examples of my past behaviour that may have hurt H, made him feel less than equal in our R. Ouch.
Slowly- It would have taken me days to get around to listing those threads - and you've just guaranteed THIS thread a permanent place on my faves list! Step over to the joint thread if you like, and start "stepping" with us - we can beat this thing together! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
My first thought when seeing all my threads posted here was YIKES! I am one sorry person! Then the other side of me said, "Well, there must be a reason you're here, so just chill out."
I'm sorry you have had to go back and revisit my threads. Sorry because if you feel a need to do that, I know this must not be sitting well with you.
Respect is a 2 way street. And although it is tempting to feel like the person who caused this all to happen, there is probably a good chance that he wasn't respectful of you either. Don't be tempted to figure that out, because you'll eventually figure out it's a chicken-egg scenario. Quite unhelpful.
I continually find new books that give me insight on me, him, and our dynamics. The most recent one I read has been extremely enlightening... it was recommended to me by another BB poster, called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.
The book is about masculinity. And I felt really awful when I finished it. I might not have thrown the first stone at Mr. W. (or even the 2nd or 3rd), but I certainly had my fair share of potshots to add to the damage. I feel an awful lot of shame about it. However, I can only change how I act from here on out.
Happily, since the early days of our separation (we're nearing 16 months next week), I have worked on that very issue... and he's noticed it. It's not for naught, friend.
I'll happily recommend it to you because it's an eye opener.
Cheerio!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: I'm not sure I have always dealt with H with the respect he deserves.
When I read this line it hit me like a ton of bricks falling from 1000 ft. I too have felt like this. Thinking about the times, expecially in the end, when I belittled my h. The hardest thing to me was to forgive myself. You know the old saying we are our worse enemy.
It sounds like you are on the right track! Keep up the good work.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Hi Betsey - You know how sometimes a few words can strike a a chord? once i started reading your recent posts,how you dealt with issues made me WANT to understand your voyage more. I have a nephew who is autistic, and your discussions about D6 moved me beyond words. i BIG thank you, Betsey, for helping me open up to myself i've got wild at heart on order - thanks for the recommendation
Hi Halo - As Betsey and Myrhh say, we can only start with the woman in the mirror, and start from now. I promise to be more respectful with everyone.
here is the listing of threads i am going through - it is painful at times to accept our behavioural lapses - ugh
Forcing myself back to reviewing positives and negatives, and keeping focused on goals. 
