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Slowly....

Been noticing your advice and input on other posts, so finally caught up on yours! WOW... you are doing a great job! I am so happy for you. You ar making many beby steps each week....and they are snowballing to build that trust and friendship.

I still have hope for my sitch....but now that we are sep....it is very hard to demonstrate the dbing behavior. My H is still on the MLC train....I really don't know if OW is still involved....but I have strong suspisions...they still work together as far as I know.

You are on a great track. Stay focused on your goals....stay away from those gremlins...they love to play with your mind, when you let them. They lurk around waiting for weak moments, and then attack continue to take the high road and take good care of yourself.

Thanks for the inspiration.

Mooka

mondays are always lousy days, and i'm glad i made it through this one without tears. holding on to the goals defined ok, but i'm finding that my feelings of anger are re-surfacing. i think i'm also picking up vibes from other threads, where folks are reaching the end of their rope and walking away from delinquent spouses. i'm not going to post much today as it will all be negative anyway. i'll just bury myself in work until this mood passes. hopefully NOT slowly.

Slowly -
I can completely empathize with you on those feelings. Anger comes at me out of nowhere, sometimes. So does fear. I usually just have to ride them out until they ease. Your feelings are very normal, even the absorbing feelings of people on other threads. After a while, your state of mind about your sitch won't be as affected by what everyone else is going through, You learn to avoid threads that make you feel less hopeful when you're down. Things will get better!
Hugs,
Myrrh

Slowly,

Please stop using our posts as a measuring stick to your own and to deter you from a very worthwhile path.

If you are reading a handful of threads here (including my joint one) indicating the end of a journey, it's because we have been at it for a really long time, and have exhausted all our time and energy on it. Optimist, Holding On and I have all been walking parallel lives and in similar timeframes, and we are all coming here from a position of strength.

I had a phone convo with another DBer last night who wanted to discuss how to tell when it's a good time to make a decision. I really can't answer that specifically for any person. Nor will I.

However, my tightrope walking has been worthwhile, and if I'm going for broke now, it's not from pain. I'm ready to risk everything to get what I want and deserve. We are all unique with unique dynamics. So please don't use others as a barometer for your own sitch.

If you are angry, you still feel something. In my opinion, you aren't ready to make a decision. In fact, I'm going to recommend allowing yourself to detach so that you can get to the point where you are indifferent.

I'm in a really centered and emotionally healthy vantage point, and it took a lot of self introspection and effort to get there. Now I want to go for broke.

So here's what I told my other DB friend last night: It's time when your head, heart and soul are in complete alignment and you have absolutely NO reservations about the decisions that are in front of you. If there is a doubt (whether reasonable or not), it is NOT time to make a decision. Look at your options and keep on the path until you have exhausted any and all alternatives available to you.

I cannot stress more how valuable posting here has been for me. I was in MC last year for 5 months, and although it was helpful, it was not supportive of me. My friends here provided me with the guidance and support I needed to continue on a path that I chose to take.

I hope you will stick with the program until your H commits to you and your M or you are in a really good place and frame of mind to live your life without him.

In essence, we are not choosing to walk away from delinquent spouses--but to choose to love ourselves more than we do a broken spouse. Does this make sense?

Hugs,

Betsey

dear myrhh and betsey - thank you so much for helping put things in perspective. it was a lousy time when i last posted, and no, i don't think i will walk away from my H, he has been mostly wonderful.

i just need to come to terms with the A, and how he is taking his time winding things down. we had a good chat over dinner, and he was terrific at validating some of my feelings.

you both are so right, this place and the people here have made all the difference to ME. i have a long way to go to fulfil my growth potential, but mostly, i'm in a happy place. i am looking forward to continuing this journey of self discovery, and building a new relationship with my H. thank you again. you all are a true blessing. lots of hugs, slowly

Hi slowly - am so pleased you had a ggod weekend. You deserved it. And see all those baby steps have been working. When saw H other day kept thinking "act as if, think about slowly, carrianne and all the other poeple who support you" and i think it is why i did so well. To know that i can come to bb and have the wonderful support of you and many others to keep going with this life saving/changing process.
Love Zinta

thanks, zinta. it is always good to have a more objective perspective on the sitch - i just keep seeing the negatives. yes, we are making progress, albeit slowly. i'm trying to focus on my goals, and not let the fact that H had a conversation with OW yesterday - comparing notes on how they are coping with the end of A derail me too much. actually, it is looming large in my mind, but i have the stop signs out all over the place. ugh, this is difficult.

on my goals:
expect nothing - w are doing very well as friends. re-discovering topics we are both interested in, adding new ones.
making room for H's dignity and giving him space - i'm actually begining to wonder if the latter has been a problem because he may have felt neglected in the past? need to think about this a bit more
one thing at a time - well, the main event is selling our flat. so far, there has been no response to the advert, so we may have to drop the price but it is a shared problem and H and i talk about strategies often. hopefully we can resolve this soon
focusing on myself - apart from lurking on this bb, and shopping at the weekend, i have not really done anything just for me for a while. i need to fit in time for me

i hope i have the strength to not nag H about his contact with OW. i hope i have the strength to not nag H about his contact with OW. i hope i have the strength to not nag H about his contact with OW.

is it just my perception, or are most of us on a down here? does it have something to do with moon phases? till tomorrow, slowly

just goes to show how upset i am, i was meaning to ask if the continued contact with OW is something i should make into an issue, or let it ride for now? H says it helps him with the recovery - but will it really? i'd really welcome feedback on this.

another development that got me thinking i could use dbing to good results. H's mother, who has always been a possessive so and so, may be staying with us for a couple of weeks in june. H has in the past accused me of not having the emotional maturity of handling the sitch with his mum, so he runs inteference and does not keep me in the loop with discussions. i used to get upset. but i think i should see it as a bonus, she is poison, H has proven time and again that no matter what she says or does, he is with me, so i should really let go, and not 'own' his problems. maybe give them both more space, and hang out with my friends for a couple of days. will he see this as abandonment? will he start contact with OW again, if i'm out for a few days? trust, trust, where are you?

going insane, slowly

Slowly-
IMHO, to expect yourself to trust someone who doesn't deserve it right now is expecting a bit much of yourself. It has been no few months since my husband's A officially ended, but I still have the fear, and I really don't trust him yet. I am making baby steps in that direction, but I try to go easy on myself. I have a lot of perfectly normal feelings to overcome!

My H and had a huge fight around Christmas time because I asked him if he had been in touch at all with the OW. He said no, and I found a picture of them at his shop together taken a week before. The affair was still over, but I was really hurt that he lied.

So consider this before you insist on no contact...your H may not be ready to do that, and you insisting on it may only create a situation where your H feels backed into a corner and forced to lie. My suggestion is to leave it alone right now - don't mention it if you're able not to. Be the balanced person, and sometimes an OW will freak out and cling and become needy. That happened as well in my sitch.
Just my .02,
Myrrh

Slowly,
I posted on the wrong thread. I posted to my thread. I will reiterate here. You are doing a great job. You are blessed to have a R with your H. Try not to let OW get to you at least he is with you and wanting to work on M. He could be with her and not want to work on M. So take it slow and keep DBing. I suggested on my thread that maybe you should do a 180 on your MIL and show them both the changes in you.
Kill her with kindness. Be thoughtful and considerate. Plan some time with just her and enjoy it.
Good luck and keep it up.
Randy