Slowly - I am a lurker on your thread, but thought I would take the plunge.
It is so great to hear your H is including you in work! He really sounds like he is opening up to you. Keep up the great work!
You know, every time I read your name "slowly," I think to myself, that is how I need to take things. Hearts and relationships are delicate, and they require time and patience to repair. Hugs! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I just wanted to pop in and give you my best wishes. You always have such wise advice for everyone I wanted to send you a little support of my own and wish you all happiness and the best. I aspire to be a good DBer like you some day!
slowly- i loved reading your latest post. sounds like a special time was had by you and i am so happy to hear that! thank you for sharing that with all of us...it's nice to hear happy news! hope you have/had a charming Easter... hugs ranacan
hi TS - thank you so much for your kind words - please start a new thread soon i have good days and bad days, and to be honest, i find reading and responding to others helps me clear my head, detach and manage my emotions better you seem to have had a rough week, i hope today is a better day. lots of hugs, slowly
back from our 3-day easter weekend away. it was a lovely break, we were able to just relax, enjoy a different pace of life and unwind. being away from the town of OW was a BIG boost to my PMA. before looking at how my dbing has progressed these past 5 days, i wanted to share here something ranacan posted which has been resonating with me all weekend.
Quote: in fact i know this, our old marriage is dead. there is no going back to the "way things used to be". our "new" marriage (that i am hoping and praying for ) is on the other side of the river and the bridge between the 2 is our friendship. the way that we love and grow as friends both together and as individuals will allow us to possibly cross the river to a new relationship and a new life where we are no longer dependent on each other....or no longer looking at each other to make us happy....but lives that are interdependent....that's my hope anyway.
i feel that if H and i tried to pick up our old R, we will always view it as something that was tainted with deceit, betrayal and a host of other negatives. but if we can view this as a new begining, made possible by an enduring friendship, then the new R surely will be better, and on a new basis? i certainly need to shed my dependency on H and develop more spine, and be open to having our lives be interdependent. thanks, ranacan
ok, now to look at these goals, objectively. some not-so-comfortable home truths i need to face expect nothing - this has perhaps been the single most helpful state of mind. it has made it possible for me to back off and enjoy the ride i will keep this as my number 1 goal for the foreseeable future embrace honesty - done and do-able. make room for H's dignity - this is a lot more difficult, as making space for him means giving up my grounds for feeling wronged. why should i have been through all this pain, and not have it recognised by the person who caused it? this is the child in me seeking attention, and not good dbing at all. sigh. must continue to work on this. reciprocate honesty - to do this well, i need to keep reminding myself the rules for constructive talks, it is so easy to slip into old, bad habits. more work needed here focus on one thing at a time - done, and do-able. in fact, life is MUCH simpler, and more relaxed, now give H space - done and do-able. the more i focus on the next goal, the easier achieving this becomes focus on myself - done, and easy to continue doing. went on a shopping spree this weekend, bought some lovely things for myself. booked myself in for a course of manicures and pedicures, paid in advance so i HAVE to go through the sessions support this bb - done, and will always check in on others before posting my daily updates, as visiting helps me centre my perspective
why is this post titled more baby steps? well, this trip away was a major milestone. this is the first time since H's a that while we have been away, there has been NO contact between them. every previous trip, and there have been 4 in all, holidays and long weekends, the cell phones have been red hot with chats and texts. i was extremely nervous and expected anything and everything. in the event, there was NO contact. yeah. and H showed no visible signs of distress at lack of contact.
i mentioned in my previous post that there are some gremlins lurking around, i may need to let them out here and rant a bit later this week. got to go check on nitaf now. lots of hugs to everyone, slowly
I did say I would drop by your thread to share some of my own experience with you.
My H too had a PA with a co-worker (before we were married but while we were living together, so it made no difference to me, I still consider it infidelity and cheating). I did not find out about it until after it was over, when we were married and during the 7 month of my first pregnancy when OW (who apparently could not let go) came to my home to reveal all and boy did she reveal all. She wrote me a rather lengthy, ponographic sounding letter that just killed me. I could not sleep for a long time afterwards. It helped that the A was over and OW was no longer working in the same company but the pain was not any less.
Anyway, we have managed to get over this sitch together and yes, your M can become better. IMHO you have to learn to:
- have full forgiveness, let it go, trust your H and never bring it up again in anger or to question anything that still stays in your mind (of course there will always be questions "Why this and that?") but learn to let it go. Sometimes its not necessary to know every detail. It may hurt even more. - do not second guess yourself or question yourself. You will of course try to be the best W and companion to your H as you possibly can be. Do this for yourself (because you want to be a better W and person overall) and not because you felt guilty that your actions/inactions contributed to the A. H is totally responsible for his actions at the time. - I think a total cut-off from OW is very necessary including throwing away whatever token he is still keeping (you've mentioned this a few times). If your H is serious about your M, not hurting you and is definitely over the A, tell him how much these little reminders of the A hurts you and tell him to get rid of it. I had H remove all email, tel nos and whatever contact nos he had of OW and he had no problems with doing it. - like most OW who cannot let go, your H must be firm with her or there will be no end to it. In my case the A was over for more than a year but OW still felt the need to come to my house to pull of a silly stunt like that. She sobbed uncontrollably in front of me and told me how she wanted to end it all by driving around recklessly. They will make threats like that to your H just to get sympathy but I guess the crazier they act the further your H will pull away from them. - after you have done whatever is necessary for you to bury the past, move on, forget about it (ok, ok you won't forget about it, I haven't but what I meant is don't let something in the past continue to cause hurt in your present and future with H). Enjoy your new found R with H. Make the most of it. - Believe in your H especially since he has been honest with you and been talking to you about OW. I found it easier to put myself on the same side as H ie me and him against OW as opposed to me against him and OW. By listening to him and validating and not accusing him, we have been able to discuss honestly how to deal with the sitch of making sure OW is out of our lives.
Got to run for now but if I think of anything else useful I can post to you, I will or if you don't hear from me, I may have gone into labor!
hi lh - thank you so much for your experience and wisdom, i so needed to hear this kind of post A recovery. i'm mulling over my little gremlins, and your insights have helped contain them somewhat. good luck with the labour lots of hugs, slowly
i have good days and bad days, and to be honest, i find reading and responding to others helps me clear my head, detach and manage my emotions better 
you seem to have had a rough week, i hope today is a better day. lots of hugs, slowly 
lots of hugs, slowly