Hi Jpeg, I know views may differ on this, but I don't think it is a problem to toss him the odd friendly comment. If you can do that and move solidly forward without getting too drawn in, then no problem IMHO.
The big thing to watch out for is your own need to feel close to him. I've been there and I know that 'need' can feel rather desperate at times - particularly if he is dropping a trail of kibble so for you. But....getting close to him right now (while he is with OW) is like sharing rooms with an angry rattlesnake - comes with a big health warning!
So, I think fine to toss the odd friendly comment over your shoulder, but manage yourself carefully and watch out for cake-eating. Notice, I said 'odd friendly comment' - long exchanges are to be avoided IMHO and if that begins to happen....gently withdraw.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Jpeg - how are you doing? Any updates on the dinner with the kids?
I have to agree with Sotto. You don't want to slam and lock the door so that he can never get back in. It was fine that you acknowledged that he made you smile. I see nothing wrong with that at all.
You don't have to be mean. Just don't let him manipulate you into forming a friendship with him, when what you really want is for him to be a spouse. I think many of them try and put exes into a friend-zone so they don't feel so badly about their actions. He may be manipulating you into a friendship so the kids will warm up to him again. Shame on him, if that's the case!
Strong, calm, and friendly. You know which spot he belongs in in your life, and you won't accept anything else - Especially with OW in the picture. Let him do his own work on his relationship with the kids. They're all grown. He screwed it up and he needs to be the one to fix it.
You have such kindness and compassion in you, and you love him dearly - it's going to be hard to be on the watch for manipulations, but you're going to have to be so you don't get stuck playing a role you never wanted.
Ancaire I replied to his text by telling him to check with kids. He hasn't texted any of them about it. So will he show up and cook a dinner for no one? (cause no one will be there). Or will he just no show without a word. I am beginning to wonder if he is just doing it to say "ya I cooked dinner for the kids the other day" to his friends or is he doing it as a way to get back into the house? He has been in the house for almost 4 months. Has his L advised him to? I just don't know and I honestly don't care. I would rather he not be in/at the house but it is still half his house and I want him to be making his half of the payments ( for december he has not given any money)
Sotto- thanks I feel the same way about friendly comments here or there but I do get too easily drawn in he is the only man I have ever loved and so much of my feelings of my value and worth are tied up with him. I do know I am a fantastic mom - the fact that all the kids have been so supportive of me and are all living with me (wait a minute maybe not so fantastic if the 20 something boys haven't moved out of the nest?) I also know I am great at my profession and that is rewarding but...... The man I spent my life with, who knew me inside and out has completely rejected me
Tx - thanks for asking- well he is living with his younger woman who he works with and ignoring his kids so....... Well now his kids are ignoring him so is he starting to see/feel some of the consequences ? I don't know. Does he know that his daughter has a bone tumour or his son had to have stitches? No! Why? Because he doesn't ask. And he sure doesn't tell!!!He keeps his life a secret from all his family
Jpeg. You have said it yourself, you are a great mom and professional. I too have been left by the only person I've ever loved but we can't fix or change them. We can only love our children and live our lives. Be strong and know what you will or won't accept. You can do this.
Well, being left by the one man I gave my entire heart to and being completely rejected is definitely something that resonates with me! I'm a messy puddle today. But H has been mean and totally crushed me on purpose. I look forward to the day I've built up enough strength that I have walls high enough to protect me.
I do wonder about one thing, though. Stitches? I probably wouldn't let him know. But a bone tumour? That sounds really serious. I'm pretty sure I would inform my H by an e-mail, if nothing else, unless my D had expressly told me not to. Learning about stitches after the fact would be a bit annoying, but he deserves to be left out of that. But, not hearing about something so serious could really put a dent in future reconciliation if he were to learn about it from somewhere else.
It's hard to know what to share and what not to share, isn't it? H and I still text too much, I think, but since I have to share part of the house with him, it's all about when he plans to be here. He chooses to be difficult, and it takes so much longer than it needs to.
Ancaire I had planned to inform H if the diagnosis of the tumour was malignant but it is benign. Also D 18 did not want me to inform her father. I have been with her from the start with occasional pain to increasing daily pain, dr apts etc. we are waiting for her to see a surgeon. H knows none of this Once we know the treatment options I will ask her again if she wants H to know. This is the D who walked in on him and she was adamant about him not knowing
