Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers dday, getting out of the muck

((( dday)))

My D was over before I even knew it was going to be over. One day we were still talking terms and the next day, I was divorced. Even my own L didn't warn me about how quick it was going to be.

dday, good to have something planned after the D to take your mind off things a little. So soon after the D, we all don't know what's going to happen. There may not be long-term commitment just yet, but some times, we just need to get out there a little and just know people.

D - You did so many things right! Letting her know that using text to discuss the kids visitation wasn't appropriate. Good for you!
Being honest about how you're feeling. Another atta boy!
Not slamming, barring, and locking the door - but realizing you've done all you can. So very proud!

I know you weren't after praise - but your tone sounds a bit glum. I know this wasn't what you wanted. You haven't given up, though. You've just decided to let her follow the path she wants to see where it leads. D, you can't be much more loving than that.

You've got so many things going for you right now. It's just hard to see because of the loss of something so huge, something that meant so much to you. But you have one thing in the minus column, and hundreds in the plus. How's a little perspective?

I plan to stay here and keep working on myself and helping others the best I can. We're meant to pay it forward, I believe. Look at all you've learned and how much you have to share! Something wonderful is coming your way...I feel it in my bones.

Thanks grl for checking in. I can't sit here and wait forever. Maybe she will catch back up? No way of knowing.

Ancaire, thanks for the encouragement. It's amazing how things can change inside of ourselves when we let go. Trying to control the anger part. But I am not afraid of doing something that MAY push her away. She is walking away anyway. But burying my feelings to save her some potential grief... not anymore. I will try not to be mean about it, but I am not going to sacrifice my own happiness for someone who doesn't want me.

Linkin park song came on yesterday.
"I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I had to fall, to lose it all. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I put my trust in you..."

Fitting. Didn't matter what I had done, I couldn't bust this D. It has went a long way inside of me, which is awesome. It's not what brought me here, but probably more important anyway.

The future is unwritten, bro. Hang tough. I'm just a couple weeks ahead of you at this point I think. Keep moving forward but allow yourself to feel and process the grief. I offer the following not to hijack your thread but to share what has worked for me in the hope that it might help you.

Once I got farther down that road of accepting her decision (it's a process, not an event!), and accepted that I didn't agree but that it was beyond my control, my days got better.

Signing the papers wasn't as difficult for me as I feared. Took 5 minutes in the same lawyer's office who handled the closing of our house (heh). I did shed a few tears on the drive home.

My XW came with the movers the day after signing. I made plans to get out of town immediately after they left last Fri morn. I went out to the restaurant where my son works and had lunch and talked with him until the lunch crowd arrived in force. Then I hit the road and spent the day with my parents who live a couple hours north of here. The next day I went farther north to my hometown and spent the weekend with various friends I reconnected with at our recent HS reunion, and also with my brother who is also headed for D.

I can't say I felt great the entire time, but I felt better than if I'd been spending that time mostly alone. And it helped me keep my orientation forward. Life is moving us forward regardless of our wishes, but we can plot our course and do our best.

I wish you nothing but the best. Sounds like you've come a long way. Your future is bright because of all you do have, your good choices, and who you are.

Just because you get divorced, doesnt mean that you havent busted it.

How about this Linkin Park verse for you:
You told me yes, you held me high
And I believed when you told that lie.
I played solider, you played king,
And struck me down when I kissed that ring.
You lost that right to hold that crown,
I built you up but you let me down.
So when you fall I'll take my turn,
And fan the flames as your blazes burn.

Great imagery Azzork. Dday the fat lady has not sung yet.
You did not need a piece of paper to fall in love and it's not over until you say it is.

Thanks for the support all. I know that I will always love her. May not like her. I also know that it can come back. She may get back to her old self again someday. Not for me to know. I keep praying for her, as well as my boys. I need to start praying for myself again too, I kinda lost sight of that.

Be well everyone and thanks!

I have to keep telling myself today that the most loving thing I can do is let her go. It's selfish to do otherwise. I do hope that she finds herself again, and wants to work on us. But she had to want that, and be willing to put in the work.

What do I say when I sign the papers? Anything? Do I tell her that I still love her? That I won't chase her, she has to come to me if she wants me? I hope you find happiness?

I am signing our of love. But it's love for the W I had, not what she is now

dday
keep moving on. You have become such a stronger person. Do not let her hold you back. If she catches up you will be great, if she doesn't you will be great! The result for you is the same regardless of her decisions.

My D finalizes on Friday. Sounds like the process is a little different but the result the same. I'm not sure if this is helpful for you but have a plan. Know what/if you're going to say anything prior. Plan something for the day also.

I plan to say nothing to her and then go to work. My DB coach told me last week that if there is anything I haven't said that I will regret not saying then I should say it. I've realized I've said everything I need to say. She knows I will not chase her by my actions not my words. She knows I love her by my actions and not my words.

For me....I will say nothing more.

It will be so much better for you on the other side. No more limbo and moving forward

Thanks gs9. I just hope she knows that if she heals and wants to try, then she better come tell me. That when she sees me putting my life back on track, and maybe dating, that she is the one who pushed me out there. I didn't volunteer for this. I wanted my life to be shared with her.

I guess I need to figure out what is next for me