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Hi there, you have brought such a smile to my face this morning just seeing the positive energy you have and dedication to your hubby. With that spirit of yours it shouldn't be difficult to strengthen the bonding you already have begun.

You have a great opportunity here to 'nurture' your hubby back closer to you. At first glance, his wandering seems to be to fill a void. This would also flow over to his filling time with work. I unfortunately speak from too much experience here.

All men, especially success driven men, need to be appreciated for who they are. If they don't get that satisfaction at home, the natural tendency is to look for either things they can fix and control, ie work, or things they can take care of, ie EA/PA. The gratification of both fuels the need of the moment, but like a drug, must be continually fed in greater and greater amounts.

Marriage, on the other hand allows the same person such a comfort zone and allows one to love within themselves and the beauty of the relationship.

Time to develop that comfort zone for hubby. He's ready to be home.

thanks, dazedboy. your observations make a lot of sense. having decided to rebuild our M using michele's dbing framework, i must confess to some initial discomfort at what can seem like manipulation. but you know, the results make the discomfort just fade away. especially if H is getting exactly what he wants. ok, review of today, and i promise to focus on just highlights

the good
- i got home, H was there working, so i just sat near him relaxing in front of the telly. i let him initiate negotiation about dinner, came up about an hour after i got home. old me would have figured it out and let him agree so, he seemed to feel good about driving this, and i agreed to make some pasta AFTER he finished work. sooo, he had to close up laptop and come over to kitchen and chat while i cooked - this was inspired by KAW's comments a couple fo days ago.
- as a result, we engaged a LOT more during preparation and dinner itself. a grand result. i'm amazed. just a little bit of planning.

the bad - nothing really, except my quiet obsessing about the token OW gave him which he carries around on his keyring

H also asked when my next session with coach was - he knows i had one, but not the organization. he wants me to ask some questions on his behalf, so i just suggested it may not be appropriate. interesting request though.

i must say this journaling is really helping me stay focused. i'm looking forward to graduating from some of my current goals at the end of this week, and developing more refined ones. thanks everyone, for being here. hugs slowly

Good Morning slowly,

I think it is a very positive step that he wanted you to ask some questions for him at your next session.

Do you suppose he would want a session of his own?

hi pam - i think so too, though i've not pursued any follow-up. let him ask

well, most of today was good, but my evening was a disaster. we drove past where OW works, and the memories of being hurt just came flooding back. i was just not able to stem the tears in the car, not good dbing at all H asked what the matter was, and i just said i was having a bad day, and we left it at that. it has been 2 weeks since A ended, and i wonder if i will EVER be ok, or if the memories will always haunt and make me sad.

soo, need to work a bit harder today. i think i was also feeling a bit low because we seem to be reverting to working on our laptops at home after dinner. plan to chat with H about agreeing a time limit after which it is quality time for us, even if we are only sitting togather in companionable silence.

also, need to figure out how best to ask H for affirmation. during early days after revealing A, he was frankly a lot more attentive now we seem to be sliding back to pre-A zone of minimal said, a lot aSSumed.

just realising i suppose the effort this is gonna take. slowly.

Hi slowly,

Have you read 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

Might be good for your H to read as well.

thanks pam, yes we have it on order unlike some other books, this is one we will read together

((( slowly )))

Sorry to hear your hitting a bit of a rough patch, but this journey has its share of potholes. It time you will learn to avoid some and others that can't be, you'll learn to ease thru them so they don't jar you so much.

While the memories will always be there, the emotional intensity you feel behind them now does fade away in time.

After many hours dedicated to working, it becomes easier to stay in a routine that has been the pattern for so long. It takes energy to break the "rut". It means suggestioning some thing different of a fairly frequent basis and following thru and doing it. If you are going to put energy into it, it might as well be something fun or that you enjoy doing together, even if its just walking around the neighborhood.

... and I'd be very careful about asking for affirmations as just as often as not, it tends to backfire. Often, the S is giving affirmations, but not in a form we are expecting, o we tend to overlook what they are doing. Then when confronted that we are looking for assurences, they get offended that we have been blind by their efforts and that we have not acknowledged their attempts. This is where the 5 Love Languages and Mars / Venus books help out.

'til later,
KAW

kaw - thanks so much, i cannot say enough about just how encouraging it is to have your feedback. it gets lonely here sometimes, because I have chosen not to tell another soul about the A. so, apart from H, there has been no one until now to vent at

well, time to review and update goals, i think. H seems to be amenable to gentle nudging, so I need to think carefully about next steps.

today, I was delighted that he contacted me during work twice, just to check in and see how I was. Over dinner we also had a chat about OW, he initiated it, saying he was pleasantly surprised there has been NO contact for over 2 weeks. OW had always maintained that even after end of A, she wanted to be friends, which my H never thought was a good idea. Good for him. sooo, we are both happy with the way things are progressing thus far. However, I do notice H sometimes feeling sad, I guess getting over a relationship can be tough, and best I can do is to give him the space and ignore these moods.

on the down side, we agreed that for our upcoming easter holiday, I'll sort out the flights and he'll do the hotel, and he suggested yesterday I may want to do the hotel as he has no time - I'm gonna stand my ground on this, time H pitched in and shared tasks. Will be good distraction for him too

plan to read up again on goal setting today, so i can end the week with a plan for the next few days. slowly.

Good evening slowly,

You sound pretty good.

My brain is pretty fried, but I like your idea on goals.

Hi slowly, still looking at positives in your sitch. Good job. That comfortable, accepting, safety zone is what your hubby needs. His mixed emotions of guilt and probably a little abandonment are kicking in. He'll need support and reassurances that you are there for him.

Time to show him that there is no one else like you, and that you are the one person in the world he can't live without!!