Good day Slowly,
Come here and vent as often as you need instead of with H! Most of the time, we will tend to be more understanding than H.
Quote: today, I was delighted that he contacted me during work twice, just to check in ...
... and these are the assurences he offers to you ... accept them for what they are and let him know how grateful you are to receive them.
Quote: he suggested yesterday I may want to do the hotel as he has no time - I'm gonna stand my ground on this, time H pitched in and shared tasks. Will be good distraction for him too
Slowly, I see this as an oppurtunity to share more together and get in some more of that elusive Qualitly Time. What if you stepped forward and did some leg work here. Gather info (brochures or printouts from the net, etc...) and sit down with Hubby and sort thru them together. Let the choice on hotel be a shared own. Next time, he may then do the same rather than push it off on you again.
hi kaw - you are so good for my perspective, thank you. i am being impatient again, not appreciating the steps H has been taking. also, i've just been reading up on the thread by WASs, wow, what a revelation. lots of thinking to be done. i'm determined to start the week with better PMA, and really enjoy my journey. it is wonderful to have the support of you all. thanks, slowly
hi dazed and everyone else, well, it certainly has been an interesting weekend. H has gone from the very happy extreme to the morose end. this afternoon, i took myself off shopping, as the company at home was depressing me had a wonderful time spending money. and it sure woke him up, he was much more civil, sociable even, when i got home. it made me think of all the times, even pre A, that i allowed myslef to be treated with less respect than i deserved. soooo, some updates to my goals:
from last week 1. Slow down, cultivate patience, expect less. This is a big one for me, as I’ve always been in a hurry, and the take charge type (just to save time). I'll know this is achieved when H has to step in and take charge more often. When I do not have disappointments because expectations (often unspoken) are unmet on the whole, this has been going well. i'm actually enjoying not worrying about too many things as well. so, i'm gonna tick this off as ok, with a mental note to make it part of my more relaxed lifestyle 2. Stretch and meditate everyday – this is good for my physical, mental and emotional well being absolutely on target. i manage at least 30 mins everyday, and feel GREAT 3. Enjoy the moment – H has never left me, and vows never will, has consistently maintained this to OW. So, I need to make the most of this. Need to identify what was good everyday, and journal hmmm, need more work here. obsessing about why H is moody, getting upset when driving past OW's place of work, these are all cheeseless tunnels. 4. Shower H with attention during work day – my previous silence seems to be a source of H not feeling loved this one is tracky to do without pursuing. must figure out strategy for constructive, detached but loving contact 5. Affirm feel good moments with H – this will take work. We’ve both in the past been the strong silent types, lots of words seen as a bit ‘wet’ – must change this! definitely work in progress
updated goals 1. help H treat me with more consideration and respect. this will involve asking for what I want, like not working evenings at home, more quality time together. I will know this is achieved when H proactively considers my feelings around daily habits, and changes those which are hutful 2. for my PMA (thanks dazed) - one indulgence per day, and help someone everyday. make this into a lifelong habit 3. journal everyday 4. compliment H on at least one thing a day - his PMA seems very low, and will appreciate the boost
ok, getting more modest, 4 should be plenty thanks everyone, for your wonderful feedback and loving support.I am so happy i found this place. lots of hugs, slowly
hi all, and especially kaw, having gotten my updated goals done, i went back and re-read the thread, and needed to clarify a few things:
+ it has been 19 days since OW called me to say the A is over. in the past, my H had initiated the end but she had held on, claiming betrayal etc (though he had always maintained he would not leave me, and has done so in front of me ) anyway, i feel it is still early days, they are in some email contact due to work, but H seems to be adjusting ok.
+ during one of our soul searching chats, H confessed he was surprised at the depth of my hurt, he had no idea my feelings ran so deep. i guess i took a lot for granted, and did not give him the affirmations he needed. OW was good at this. soooo, my daily touch points during work, catching H doing good stuff and complimenting, these are expressly to plug the hole
+ yes, several times during the A, H did say that our R will survive, it will take work on both our parts, but that we have always come thru difficulties, and we will this time too. nice to have his confidence, but i wish it was not necessary for the test to be such a big one
+ i noticed over the past few days that my problem solving style is a rather rapid one, and usually i've decided on the solution before H is even aware there was a problem. he seems to be receptive to being consulted, almost needing it. so, i have to slow down here too, and seek input, which seems to make him feel more involved
+ wel, i'm note sure i have planned any 180s, but i did one yesterday by taking off shopping on my own, and it had good results, so i guess i'll watch for the opportunities.
+ we've researched hotels for our easter break together, and H will be doing the booking
thanks everyone, for your generous feedback, i really appreciate the things you are able topick up on that i'm just being blind to. hugs, slowly
Good day Slowly, It sounds like some more baby steps were taken of the weekend that made some progress on achieving your goals.
19 days, eh? ... fresh out of the starting gate and still feeling out what kind of trip is this going to be and that goes for H too ... so H's mood swings (like yours) are par for the course, but don't take them personally. There will be times where he is dealing with his emotions that get stirred up in the aftermath of having an A. Best thing is exactly what you did this weekend ... when he seems indifferent to your company, give him space to deal with it on his own and focus on doing something for yourself. Nothing productive ever comes from worrying about what is driving their moods and even drains your energy that be spent better on building your PMA. Around here that called "crazymaking". Better to leave it as ... "he is going an emotional time now" and understanding that means he is having to deal with some painful stuff so you can approach his moods with more compassion and less anxiety.
Glad to hear that doing the research on the vaction together worked out. I think this tact can serve you well with other issue where his involvement in the solutions as to build more a connection between you while going about your daily lives.
It would be a good time to review again the chapter on asking for what you want in DR, to start implementing some the techniques mentioned there to help when it comes to consideration and respect.
thanks nitaf for the book recommendation, i'm going to get it today, if the local bookshop carries stock
hi kaw - always look forward to your wise counsel. it means so much to have someone who cares point out the improvements, i feel my PMA up a notch already.
ok, review of monday. a roller coaster. + had a good time meeting up with my aunt who was in town for a business call. lots of quality time, she is my fav. + H responded friendly when i called after lunch, we chatted about mutual friends + we had a good dinner, casual, good conversation -- somehow after dinner, H got a bit withdrawn, and i did not handle it well. called up some friends and they were at a pub, so got ready to leave. H was very upset, 'go if you want to' in a way i know he was hurt. so we sat and talked a bit about my needing his time and attention. did not go down well. he was quiet and sullen in the begining, then started chatting a bit -- we then got into discussion about OW, that she had been in touch to 'clarify' some things my H had said to her H - arrgghh - but i held my cool, and H concluded that there should be no more contact ++ got cuddled very nicely and the rest just got up to reflect on and sort out my fluctuating emotions, feeling much better now
perhaps just another day on the piecing roller coaster. feeling very drained, but better now than 3 hours ago. i know i should not bring up 'needs', but man, some days, it is brutal.
tomorrow is another day, and i need to focus on goals: +quality time with H - he plans to come over to my workplace for lunch, and we are going out dancing after dinner +going to do at least 2 supportive posts on this bb tomorrow, gives me a great deal of personal satisfaction to be there for someone who is hurting + will continue to journal everyday - it has been more helpful than i expected + compliment H on how he handled his sister at weekend - she was needing help
c'est tout. must slow down, and manage expectations. things seem to be going in the right direction. thanks a lot guys, i cannot say just how valuable your inputs have been. lots of hugs, slowly
good morning everyone - still feels a little strange to be in a different time zone to most of you
kaw - you were absolutely correct - i re-read the asking chapter in DR and found new meaning. tough i have read the book from cover to cover, i suspect going thru selected bits as i need to will provide deeper perspective. thanks for the tip. have a great day, everyone. hugs, slowly
hi everyone - pegged out early last night, and find myself able to reflect better in the morning anyways so i guess this will be my 'do something new' for the week
positives yesterday + we both ended up having really hectic days at work, so scrapped the dancing and chose to have a relaxing meal at a nearby restaurant. it was very nice, and came home, sat together to watch tv, crashed out on the sofa + did the supportive posts + validated H on several fronts - frustrations at work, his family, us. lots of eye contact from him
not so sure ? we got chatting about how the current transition is affecting us, and that i've been guilty of not showing him enough compassion and projecting my anxieties a bit too much. he started tearing, and validated my sentiments ??? i asked if there was any more contact with OW (why did i do that *&^%$#@!) and he said no, but like all the other crazymaking, i'm not sure i believe him, so why the %$#@ did i ask?
targets for today + H wantes to come over for lunch again i plan to be upbeat, fun + last time i'll write about being supportive on bding - seems to be a natural thing now + do something different for dinner, make H feel cherished + plan together easter break activities
ok gang, wish me luck, and wisdom not to go down cheeseless tunnels. hugs, slowly
had a wonderful time spending money. and it sure woke him up, he was much more civil, sociable even, when i got home. it made me think of all the times, even pre A, that i allowed myslef to be treated with less respect than i deserved. soooo, some updates to my goals:
) anyway, i feel it is still early days, they are in some email contact due to work, but H seems to be adjusting ok.
