Mona we are very similar. We want to fix things and give all we have. You were not wrong to not give this but it feels like the world is ending to you. I know i will feel the same way when this happens to me. I know my W will run low on mon ey very soon and where will she turn?
Giving him the money will not make him see he was wrong. He asked you because he knew you always gave everything. That is not your position to fill anymore, if he wants that from you he needs everything that comes with it and he needs to tell you that also.
I know it stinks and hurts, but tomorrow you will feel a lot better.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
abuse, not at all! you are here for help. there are plenty of people here who want to help, so take full advantage of that for yourself. please, take it as a lesson towards putting yourself first for a change.
as for the money, this is a hard one. have you told him previously you were not an ATM or anything like that as a boundary? if so, then NO MONEY, period.
Are you going to give him the money with an expectation that it is going to change his mind, curry favor for your, have him look at you in a different light, or anything else [do you have expectations that it will help your situation]?
OR are you doing it because it is 'the right thing to do' in your opinion. What does he NEED it for? will this be the end of the requests for more money (to me, 200 bucks is not a lot of dough in the grand scheme of things, will he be back for more)?
Not trying to tell you what to do, please don't think that...I am just trying to look at this at a different angle than what has been presented already.
Giving him the money will not make him see he was wrong. He asked you because he knew you always gave everything. That is not your position to fill anymore, if he wants that from you he needs everything that comes with it and he needs to tell you that also.
That is what I need to keep telling myself. I am no longer the giving tree (that was a children's book) I will give him the world, if he was a loving, present, monogamous husband.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
You are not helping him Mona if you give him the money. You are doing the opposite. He must learn to stand on his own two feet. Do not be his crutch. If you want the best for him this is what you have to do. Teach him to function as a responsible adult in society. All I have right now is straight talk, sorry if it appears harsh but today is a struggle.
abuse, not at all! you are here for help. there are plenty of people here who want to help, so take full advantage of that for yourself. please, take it as a lesson towards putting yourself first for a change.
as for the money, this is a hard one. have you told him previously you were not an ATM or anything like that as a boundary? if so, then NO MONEY, period. YES! I had forgotten this THANKS! In November, he asked me to reduce the child support payment. He pays me less than 10k a year for 3 kids as it is. He asked if that could be reduced.
He said my allowing him to reduce the child support payment would be the difference between him succeeding or failing.
I replied:
Me: But I cant be your reason for success or failure. And you cant expect me to be. If you need a little more money per month, there are lots of things you can do every month to earn it.
Are you going to give him the money with an expectation that it is going to change his mind, curry favor for your, have him look at you in a different light, or anything else [do you have expectations that it will help your situation]? No. I do not think giving him money will help me one bit. It will enable him to go see OW, or pay the cell phone so he can call OW, or the internet so he can play online with OW. It will enable him to continue not taking responsibility. I do not feel giving him money will help me, and I would not give him money just to help me.
On the flip side, I DO 100% feel NOT giving him money will hurt me. He will hate me for not being there. He will find a way to get money on his own. He will realize he doesn't really need me anyway. I know these feelings are not correct, but they feel so real.
Also, I picture him with puppy dog eyes, pleading for me to help him. I see that picture in my head and I feel like robbing a bank to give it to him.
OR are you doing it because it is 'the right thing to do' in your opinion. What does he NEED it for? will this be the end of the requests for more money (to me, 200 bucks is not a lot of dough in the grand scheme of things, will he be back for more)? This is another soar point. I do feel it is the right thing to do. If someone asks for help, you help them. Actually, if they have gotten to the point where they need to ask, then I have already not been loving enough. I am supposed to know what they need BEFORE they ask for it and get it to them. That is how I would like to be treated, so that is how I should treat him. (and everyone).
Again, logically I know that what I just said is ridiculous. It is bound to fail. You cant go around and just figure out people's problems for them. A wife can lovingly do that for a H, but we do not have that relationship anymore. But in my heart, I feel I should be doing more to be more loving and supportive. I cant just push the feeling away. I just have to argue with it and try to ignore it until a new feeling comes to replace it.
Not trying to tell you what to do, please don't think that...I am just trying to look at this at a different angle than what has been presented already.
I am absolutely in love with new angles! I may not always agree, but I always welcome them Thanks!
I hope you are well today!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
You are not helping him Mona if you give him the money. You are doing the opposite. He must learn to stand on his own two feet. Do not be his crutch. If you want the best for him this is what you have to do. Teach him to function as a responsible adult in society. All I have right now is straight talk, sorry if it appears harsh but today is a struggle.
Nothing about that was the slightest bit harsh. And by the way, I am the type of person who does well with harsh orders I would have thrived in the army.
I love "the correct way" to do things. I get annoyed when someone is teaching me something, and they cant decide the best way to show me because there are multiple ways.
That is fine if there are multiple ways, but show me the best way. I need the most correct way. I dont have to understand why. That is why I love MWD.
She gives you the best way to succeed. It may not work, I get that. But following the steps is the way to fix the issue.
I feel if I follow the best way, I will achieve the best results.
Last time I was single, I was broke. In my head, the best way to not be broke was to be a doctor, lawyer or a business owner. To do that, the best way was school. So I went to school. I did not achieve doctor, lawyer or business owner. But since I took the best way I knew, I landed in the middle of where I was and where I wanted to be. Which is a great place. I have a good job and 3 wonderful children.
So, if I follow the best advice from people on the board, even if it feels wrong, I will get the best results.
That may not mean my M restored. But at the minimum, I bet my H will be back in my life in some way. And I will not be in pain.
Sorry, I am babbling. My H has not responded, and I doubt he will, but it is raising my anxiety through the roof.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Now I feel like such a hypocrite posting on other people's threads. I feel like they are thinking "How can she give any advice... Look at her own actions..."
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
This feeling is the spark of change Mona52. This is you moving out of your comfort zone of doing what you have always done. It feels like anxiety and it feels scary and we doubt ourselves. But this overwhelming feeling has the taste of a small win in to me. Your brain is caught up in recognizing the potential loss of H, not the win of self respect and self care. The win of implementing all you know, all you have been working so hard on. You are a changing neural pathways here. You are changing your life.
This feeling is the spark of change Mona52. This is you moving out of your comfort zone of doing what you have always done. It feels like anxiety and it feels scary and we doubt ourselves. But this overwhelming feeling has the taste of a small win in to me. Your brain is caught up in recognizing the potential loss of H, not the win of self respect and self care. The win of implementing all you know, all you have been working so hard on. You are a changing neural pathways here. You are changing your life.
Feel this fear and celebrate yourself!
JellyBxxx
I am changing my life. This will be a long day, but tomorrow I will be a different person. I will be more of a separate person. More hooks my H has in me (That I placed in me) will have gone. I guess I should be ready to fill in those holes. All the time I spent worrying about my H's bills will have to be filled with other thoughts. Thoughts about me I hope... We will have to wait until tomorrow to see.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thanks!
I would have thrived in the army.