Jpeg - I'm about to join you in NC. I think my H imagines I'll be waiting on him forever. Part of that is my fault. I told him he could get his piece of paper saying we were no longer married, but until I heard God tell me, Himself, that I'm released from my vows, I will consider myself married.
I have a suspicion H believes we can be friends one day. His talks about the kids and our family in the future always include me in some capacity. I need to make it clear there will be no friendship.
I am terrified this will drive him away forever. However, I won't sit in a room with him while he's with someone else and pretend to be fine. I won't be fine! I'm not fine now. I'm focusing a bit too much on suicide these days. I'm sick, scared, and alone. It seems like a real solution some days...except for my faith.
I'm going to follow GB's suggestion: Send H a letter indicating I want no contact, who to reach in an emergency, and only contact me when he can apologize and is ready to work on marriage. I may never hear from him again, but it will be a huge improvement over this current blatant disrespect.
I need to remind myself I have value. I've considered the craziest ideas in order to "save my marriage" - until he comes around and wants to work on it...No saving. Just me, stuck with him and OW. No thanks. I deserve better than that. It will break my heart, but somehow he's convinced himself that my wants/needs are not as important as his.
Since I find myself in complete agreement when the advice is directed at you, and less sure when I consider it for me, I realize it must be the way to go. He has to give up OW. He doesn't even get to speak to me until then.
I wish I could go on vacation with your bunch!!! It sounds so wonderful! I'll be praying for your family.
And Jpeg and Ancaire, I think GB's advice is excellent. I wish I had done that earlier on when the A was active. I would have so much more self respect.
GB - ok I'll admit I'm scared. Scared to death that will completely end our R. He will see me as bitter and nasty (and OW just feeds into that) Even thinking about what to write and I am a puddle of tears again. Last night he texted again and asked if I want to go in on Christmas gifts for the kids I haven't told him we are going away for Christmas and now D19 is feeling guilty that her Dad will not see any of them on Christmas.
Oh Judy - I have missed you:) That definately struck a chord with me when you said how advice directed at others makes so much sense but I still can't grasp it when it is for me. I do agree with you - you/me are worth more than what our H's are doing/giving us. I know my H wants us all to be fine with his choices and just all be happy together with him and OW. Yet at this point he hasn't told his family and he has said to S22 they are "nothing". So what is with that?? For him to not be "the bad guy" he thinks a more respectable amount of time has to pass? There is no amount of time that will make what he has done "respectable". Yet many of his friends have totally accepted his new OW
What are your plans for Christmas? Have you been seeing a lot of your new grandchild?
Pho - thank you for the support. That is the struggle- my heart literally leaps when he sends me text about how he will always love me. - yet he is becoming more and more committed to his OW. Your H gave up his A? Isn't that better? Although you might not hear ILY those actions are much louder
Mutatio- I was better yesterday - kept busy - decorated house AND changed all the locks on the house (S24 did it for me) since we are going away for a week I do not want H bringing OW into this house. Technically it is still half his house but the thought of her being in here .... Now this am reading and posting I am sad again - it is hard - I feel support and encouragement but at the same time i am struggling with how to encorporate the advice I am getting
Jpeg, he gave her up in August finally, at least I think he did. They still work together and I don't snoop, so how would I know. Still claims it was never physical. But he travels a lot. He is still so angry and depressed all the time. I feel like every night when he walks in he is going to drop another bomb. I have no security at all and the stress is taking a toll.
On the other hand, he is showing signs of improvement. But it is so slow. It is incredibly stressful and unhealthy for me to live like this. I have no idea where I stand. I am trying to just assume he is staying and it will be my decision at some point to either say "I've had enough" or else he will continue improving to the point where we can work on this together. If he surprises me with another BD then I will be surprised but at least not in limbo anymore.
Working on detachment, which I am feeling more and more, but it is a process and I am nowhere near where I need to be. The break will be good.
Pho - I do know how that feels - my H was in an EA with his now PA OW for 4 years prior to BD. but he would never admit there was anything more than friends (she was calling him "babe" in her texts to him during that time- ya right "just friends"). H said he was committed to me and I trusted him and jumped in with building our retirement home and was growing closer and closer - the whole time he was telling OW he was miserable and she was encouraging him to leave me - - and then he did - and they STILL work together. He has let it slip (while drunk) to work colleges that they Are living together - yet continues to deny to his children and parents that there is anything going on - that they are not even dating
I am, have been, and will continue to be strong but I need this vacation - and so do the kids!!! I hope it is the right thing to do. The kids are all looking forward to this. The only other family vacations we ever did we're low budget driving to Florida - So ALL INCLUSIVE here we come!!!!
GB - ok I'll admit I'm scared. Scared to death that will completely end our R.
Your R is already over. Your actions of self-care aren't adding to the downfall and end of your relationship in the least. His affair is destroying it all by itself.
Get out of God's way. Take care of yourself and your kids and if your WH wants a real caring relationship with you again, he knows where to find you.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
H texted again today asking if he could come over and we could look at dates for using the cottage. Is this not him reaching out? I simply replied with the dates I would like to use I still havent told him we are going away.
