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Thanks dday,thanks pho, today was hard with my wife leaving on her business trip today. It's not a surprise after the affair anniversary this week. I watched that video like you suggested and your right it helped, thanks. You are right on more then one thread.

Mutatio

I would ask how is not forgiving yourself serving you?

Behaviour has a purpose, lack of it also has a purpose.

I always operate from the stance that what someone does serves them, makes sense, otherwise they wouldn't do as they do.

Could it be that staying in a place of mental self flaggelation holds you static?

I am reframing your resistance to change and forgiveness for you.

You say you must do x or y and put your kids forward as the reason. Could you change that to a choice? I choose to do x or y. It will make you less resistant to your choice.

I am now about to give a rare 4x4, Mutatio in no way do we ever weigh one parent against another on the scales of love. Just as parents relate to each child differently so children relate to each parent. Doesn't mean less love or connection. You know this so I am reminding you. Oh and also hugs even boys need hugs and even prickly shy boys need hugs (I mean you!).

As always

V

Hi V, I let past events get the best of me and I've been sad the last few days. I'd go as far as feeling sorry for myself. Today my wife left for a business trip and it really threw me for a loop. I am not being difficult or a cutie pie when I ask how do I forgive myself and have work. I've said it, thought it but does not work. I have given it time and it's still with me.

I have stated that I am staying for my son. I do believe its best for him. My other reason is to stall for time and try to improve my marriage. Things are stalled and there are no improvement to my situation currently

My son hugged me three times tonight and with the last hug lifted me off the ground. We tell each other that we love each other when we say good night every night. What I was suggesting was that my wife and my son share common interests and are close.

Mutatio

You share love with S, it is enduring, interests change, love for your children is carried all their lives. That is something really shared.

How do you forgive yourself?

The first step is acceptance. For me I didn't forgive myself until I had atoned to all including myself. One of those we atone to is ourself, that was difficult as to blame V was easy to do and comfortable.

I can tell you what I did if that helps, it was hard work and most of it is on my threads and I can point you to the places. The most important thing is extreme self care. I really mean extreme as in every way, from the physiology up. I had a deliberate strategy.

My thinking is that the most important aspect for Mutatio is your resistance to forgiveness I really believe so.

I am going to ask you to examine in more depth what role not forgiving yourself is serving you?

I have a reason for asking, I want us to identify the parts of you that need forgiveness. We are all made up of behaviours that emerge, not in a multi personality way but as facits of ourselves. I call that part of me, screaming banshee. The one that abuses, I call the one that demeans me as Plain Vanilla and the hurt child that wants to stay hurt as funny bunny. It isn't all of me that wants healing there are some terrific parts too such as brain box and foxy.

Jellyb has her sweet sadness.

To me your resistant part is hanging on to the guilt and shame, it does so because it does something for you. In this model in order to release the block to get shift, which will keep tumbling and more and more will come. You are ready to shift and grow, I really believe so. Of course the resistant part is resisting and blocking it's the role it plays, it won't want to change until the message is understood.

The more you push that resistance to forgive the more the part that it serves pushes back. So let's understand this, where does the hurt come from and where in the body is it located?

My resources here are NLP and in particular Genie La borde and Influencing with Integrity. Now heavily influenced by Inside Out!

This can also be enjoyable, when shift happens we begin to glow as the care and relaxation takes us over. It is an uplifting experience. The higher spirit in action.

V

Mutatio

You choose to stay for your son and to heal. You do this because you choose it.

So choose that route accept the consequences.

Oh and feeling sorry for yourself tells you something too, it's comfortable like an old raincoat. It's familiar.

The great thing about shift, is the old familiar becomes unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Something you can say goodbye to.

I think that's why the next chapter is so hard for you, you are extending the current one. That's ok.

V

V, I don't know whats wrong with me. Some days I think I'm co-dependent and other days I think I'm to hard on myself. I have stopped making progress in myself or my marriage. I have lost my motivation, passion, drive and am just treading water.

Its a leap of faith Mutatio, what V is talking about. One I too need to make. That is why my sweet sadness has shown up in recent weeks.

In your minds eye or body what feelings or images come to mind when you consider forgiveness, as a concept, as an act, who are the people that spring to mind, are you forgiving them, are they forgiving you, what does it feel like to say out loud to yourself "I forgive you". Does the mind rage against, does your stomach. Do you tingle.

My Sweet Sadness is young, she evolves at times between 3-9 years old. Today she is the sweetest child crying to be loved and accepted - cuddles needed. She has been begging for attention for a couple of weeks. Go and read V's thread I told V last week something was coming -. I know Sweet sadness comes now where she is feeling unloved, unappreciated and told to contain her emotions. When she visits I know sweet sadness comes when I have been quietly and unconsciously beating her up with negative self talk or ignoring her pleas for help. What I know though when she arrives- change is coming there is work to be done and tolls to be paid and freedom to be had.

You will find you peace Mutatio

JellyB XXX

Hello, my friend! So much of what is going on in your thread is happening to me right now, too. I've given in recently to hopelessness. It's hard not to, when everything is changing in a way I never wanted. I've been pretty hard on myself, and everyone else, too, as a result. I'm not proud of it - but I think I was doing some necessary redefining of my life and boundaries. My children just want me to be happy. They are so tired of seeing me sad and beaten. I'm sick and scared. My heart is acting up, and the main stressor could care less.

I'm realizing tonight that is H's problem. What man of value deserts and abuses a wife who is having such severe health problems? What man blames his wife for all the is wrong in his life? Even when I waste my breath pointing out the flaws in his reasoning and he agrees - he goes right back to his script in mere seconds. I love him, or I love who I always thought he was. I've spent enough time believing his judgement of me.

I made mistakes in my marriage. I've apologized, and H has refused to accept my apology. That would require changes he is unwilling to make. I am a simple human. I'm beginning to realize he was lucky to have me. How many people have a wife like me? One who is willing to forgive and make changes? I'm not perfect, but my heart is full of love. Full of love for everyone but myself, it seems.

I'm making a commitment right now to work on that. I am generous, kind, and forgiving. I make mistakes, but I always apologize. I'm going to go at it deliberately, as V suggested. My health is poor. I can start right there. I need to work on finding a calm center. I don't have one...I'm nearly always in a state of panic. I think finding a calm center will be hugely beneficial in managing the stress I am under. I need to identify all the things about me I actually like, and focus on those areas. I've torn myself to shreds examining the things I don't like, and that has gotten me nowhere good.

I will be more than happy to take this journey with you, Mutatio. I think it will be of great benefit to both of us. I have no idea HOW to find a calm center. I'll research that tonight, and start practicing until I'm really good at getting there.

I admire you greatly. I think you're a man of great value and worth. How I wish my H had a portion of the love you have for your family! He doesn't, so I will undertake a journey to have enough love for both of us for the benefit of my children. They deserve no less than my very best. I think I would enjoy being the best I can be. I've never been there for very long in the past. I want to change that.

So, starting with one small step at a time, I'll learn to find a calm center and use it to start healing my physical and mental aspects. Once I get good at that, I'll ask for direction on where to focus next. I truly admire you. I'm so pleased I read your thread tonight, and found my focus!

Are you in? Shall we start forgiving ourselves beginning immediately? My emotions have been all over the place, thus my desire to start there. Where will you start?

There is nothing at all wrong with you! Absolutely completely totally normal, this journey is one of challenge.

Meeting your challenge is just the next hurdle. It's usual to loose motivation on life's journey, I would be worried if you didn't stumble, loose your motivation, didn't have resistance. Treading water is necessary sometimes.

I guarantee that your subconscious is working on this. Just stating it is very important, you can't tackle something that can't be acknowledged. It is very important a precursor step.

Just recently I had to face that challenge.

So let's tackle that resistance Mutatio, you have a fan club here all cheering you on. Do you have real life IC at the moment? these are issues they may be able to work on with you.

Are you prepared to shift?

You know that V wants this for you very much.

I have noted your comment on Jellyb thread and am musing on whether that is your resistance area?


V

V, I'm going to throw out these facts with no dialog about them. Your wisdom will be able to connect the dots.

Easier to be hard on men learned from father, my sisters were not treated this way.
Did not achieve my highest potential, father hard on me, I was hard on son till I realized it.
Insecure of myself, not smart enough, not good enough, inadequate.