Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers spoke to OW..the 1 he said he has no contact with

Well he is back to not contacting me. This yoyoing between complete silence and begging for attention is maddening.

What I have done to keep busy:

Decorated the house for Christmas
Wrapped some of the kids gifts
Went shopping for a couple of gifts
Talked to a few friends (not about my situation)
Helped my mom do some research
Cooked dinner
Did laundry
Watched a movie with the kids

Everyone says it gets easier to deal with. I'm anxiously awaiting.

Just one piece of advice, cheaters are always liars.

They have to be to get away with cheating. Neither him or ow have any credibility.
He will have to earn it.

Thanks Ggrass

I know. He became an expert at covering his tracks. As for ow. She gave me concrete proof so at least on those things he can no longer convince me that I am crazy for thinking what I thought.

Hi Rain, my two cents, FWIW... I think you are doing the right thing by not welcoming him back so easily. If anything, maybe it would help to hold it together and not blow up at him in the heat of the moment. Speaking from an emotionally charged place seems to always backfire because drama always feeds more drama.

Just kindly insist that you need time to think about things. Then wait until your mind is clear before you communicate. If he doesn't respect your request for space to think and keeps pushing your buttons, then just walk away. If he pitches a fit then don't react, he is being childish and only he can choose to grow up and learn respect. Just focus on yourself by making sure that you are respecting him and don't sink to his level when he says hurtful things. Easier said than done, probably!

Hi JGuy...I was just on your thread. Thanks for the support of me not giving in to him. And also for the advice. You are right. Drama begets drama.

Everything these days seems easier said than done but your right. I should try my best to rise above. He really does know all of my buttons.

He just said he wants things to change and get better for us but the fact that I will never let him live this down makes that difficult.

I did not respond. I just took 2 benadryl and am waiting for them to kick in.

Tomorrow i will try my absolute best to have a dark day on my end. Even if he uses his fail safe....the kids.

This morning he randomly said to me:

I know you want me to makes changes but you would have to change too.

I ignored him. Waiting for the day this gets easier.

It's true there are things i would have to change. I hate being on edge..negative...bitter and arguing with him about ow. But i have a little peace of mind now knowing the truth.

But his changes should be his priority if he actually wants to try to get me and our family back. Instead I feel as if he is saying that if i don't change he won't either. And that is so backwards.

What changes does he think you need to make? Which ones do you agree with? Have you read DR?

I've only read your last few posts but it does seem like you are focused a lot on him rather than on yourself.

As for what he says, around here the common thinking is to believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. Some of what your H says sounds a bit manipulative and even possibly narcissistic? Though I'm no expert. But so what. What are his actions?

Have you read any threads about boundary setting? Are you GAL? What are you working on in terms of change within yourself?

Hi Rain, first I want to thank you for posting on my thread. I know the pain well and made so many mistakes until now, and I am not even a 100% sure I won't make them anymore. But for sure, I have been learning how to be a better person for myself and others.

First, stop about OW. It also shows as an obsession for you. Do NEVER say a word about this OW anymore. From now on, she is dead. Gone with the wind.

He is actually right when he says that you always bring OW back into the conversation. STOP. You found out what you needed to, now move away from that.

Second, like others said it here. Let go on what he needs to do, to say, to think... you are not the one the tell him what he will do next. You will change him only when you change yourself.

You want a plan, so lets start building a plan. Lets start with you. What are the things that you did good during your M and what are the things you think you could do better.

I am sure he is a liar, a cheater, a bad bad guy, but if that is so bad, why do you want this man in your life?

So, he is not all that bad, there are some qualities you see and you like and that's why he is a keeper. But the R is in a sour place right now. What is the main reason that he is looking for something out of your R?

Let's be honest, I know what I did wrong. I also know that my XWH could be better, but I got to a crucial moment to face my own demons and start changing some of the negatives on myself. Like we say here, if he is never to come back to me, at least I will be a better person, maybe in another R, who knows?

What you are feeling and going through is very normal, yet very painful too.

Start being careful about your reaction to him. DO NOT TALK ABOUT OW EVER AGAIN. Do not blow on him. If you are not sure you can engage in a conversation in a more neutral way, calm, then say that you are busy and need to get back with him later. Or if he blows on you, you can say that you won't tolerate this and he can call you once he can talk more calmly.

The way I see it, you are in a roller coaster right now. It's horrible but it is also helpful. It is a chance for you to grow stronger and wiser. So, let's start the hard work here.

Did you read Sandy's 37 rules? If not, read it and start practicing. It is not easy as it seems, it takes a lot of practice to do all those things when you are emotionally involved.

By the way, you said you are latina, is your H also latino? I am Brazilian (hot blood). We kind need to be extra careful because we are a lot of emotions.

Hope to see some info on your good and bad stuff.

(((((((((Rain)))))))))))
Pink

Rain...I think Pink gave you some excellent advice.

I have been in your position also. My H had an A, and although he was genuinely remorseful and tried to make amends, I had a very difficult time putting it behind us and moving on. I was relentless in my need to question and make sense of things, and eventually I pushed him away entirely because he just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Like Pink, I too noticed a lot of talk in your thread about what he needs to do differently. I would very kindly ask you, do you want to be married or do you want to be right? I totally feel your pain... I don't recall if you mentioned how long it's been since you found out about the infidelity, but it took me almost two years to fully process. Before that time, I felt no guilt about beating H over the head with the A as often as my rollercoaster emotions required. I figured he was the guilty one and the reason I was in so much pain, and was just lucky I chose to stick around at all. I thought it was his job to accept whatever I said or did at that point because it was his fault.

The thing is, A's don't happen in a vacuum. In my case, H was the one who chose to cheat, but I contributed to the environment that made him susceptible to cheating in the first place. It doesn't excuse what he did because the final choice was still his own, but the point is, we both played a part in what happened.

If you care about your marriage, please, please, please don't continue to bring up the OW and punish your H. You will only push him away further, and potentially beyond reach. If you want your marriage to work, you have to let the A go, do the work to heal and rebuild trust, and move forward with your H. It simply will not work any other way.