Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Next Step?

I do not recall anyone being remorseful while actively being in an affair. A WW has to have reality to blow her fantasy castle to smithereens. She has to have consequences due to her choices. She has to learn to respect boundaries. She has to suffer some type of loss. If none of these happen, she really has no reason to feel remorse for her actions.

When she ends the affair and comes out of the fog, then she can begin to think of others and what she has done to them (her husband, children, parents, friends, etc.). It took me a long time before I could truly feel remorse, b/c I was so resentful of my H. It is difficult to feel remorse when you feel a certain amount of justification. I would not admit that I felt justified, but then I couldn't feel sorrow and deep regret, due to my anger toward my H.

She won't "snap" out of this, b/c it comes in bits & pieces. Her feelings for you will not bounce back. However, she can find herself again. She can be remorseful. She can feel love for you again. It just takes longer than most newcomers believe.



Oh, absolutely! I don't make excuses for any WW. None! She may act crazy at times, but she really has her own free will to choose. I try to explain them, their mindset, and some of their issues, and some of the process it takes them to get back all the way.



You mean she threatened to commit suicide if she realized she made the wrong choices? Has she ever threatened in the past about other things?



That is something that seems to puzzle most everyone. The only thing I can tell you is that selfishness motivates the WW. Whatever her reason, you can bet it is for her best. A lot of WW's will keep their H on the back burner, legally, until she is setting real pretty in the next relationship. Until she knows 100% the OM won't back out, or that she is certain of other things.........she has her H (and the security he offers) as her backup plan.



I have to respectfully disagree. Most LBH's think (or want to believe) that the WW feels guilt, and that's the reason she does or doesn't do something. The WW feels very little guilt during the time she's fogged out of her mind, resentment/rebellion, and involved with OM. If she doesn't feel guilty over her adultery, tearing apart her family, and betraying her H............she isn't going to feel guilty about filing. She just doesn't think the time is quite right. When she's really set, nothing will hold her back.........not even guilt.

Thanks woundedfool,
The remorse I feel is important to me personally. As it may show a little respect for what she has put myself and our D thru.
From what I have read on MLC it seems to be described as this transformation, which I am ok with. But if she is this kind of person when she wakes up I dont think I could live with that. Thats not the type of person I want to be married to. But if she changes for the better then I get that and would want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I see divorce has been filed for you, is it final? or is it on hold? Just curious..
With regards to the personal items, it is so far removed from her that personality. Her legacy will be etched in place if this continues on this pathway.

I have been working on GAL these past few weeks, and it is helping alot. My removing myself from the pursuit is benefiting me tremendously. My bad days aren't so bad at this time. Good days are ok, not great.
Funny you mentioned this about fixing her. She mentioned this to me last summer in a heated conversation. I get that, and have stopped. She also said she didn't understand how I could be so kind to her thru this.
The D if she wants it is on her. Not me at this time.

Something weird. I have two close friends and another friend who's wifes are doing/ going thru the same thing. Two of the three wives have filed for divorce. Must be in the water around here.

I second what sandi says above ^^^. That appears to be exactly what happened with my sitch. No guilt. No remorse over betraying me or her friend at church whose husband she was involved with.

Sandi,

what type of consequences can help her realize what she is losing?
Boundaries at this time dont seem to hold much weight as she lives 20 miles away.
As for him he wont go anywhere. He is layed off all winter and has no money. I have known him my whole life. He is a leach, that will hold on so he can get his hands in our pockets. It is the same scenario he played out with his last girl friend. He has no family here. His two kids will not have anything to do with him because of the physical abuse to their mother and ex girlfriend. He stole the sons SS# and used it, ruined his credit. He's as low a scum bag as they come. Someone you would see on 48hours taking advantage of little old ladies.

Is the OM living with her?

You are certainly limited to what you can do, as far as consequences. Life, itself, usually is the best teacher of consequences. Also, don't set out to punish her, thinking you are giving her consequences, know what I mean? Sometimes you may have to check yourself to see if you have punitive motives.

Withdrawing all means of support (financial, emotional, physical, family, assistance, help, etc.) is usually the best and fastest way, IMO. She no longer wants to be your wife, so you need to withdraw the things that came with being your wife. Most WW's want the advantages of M, without the disadvantages.

As I said before, don't shoot yourself in the foot by withdrawing insurance or something that could end in you paying the bill. You have already stopped contact. So, basically withdrawing yourself and letting her go, is about all you can do at this point.

Your daughter is the thread that will keep you tied. There may be times you both will attend an event for your daughter, and it should be all about your daughter and not your WW & you. Otherwise, I would suggest that you not get involved in any family type of activities. No dinners together, no traditional holiday celebration as a family, no buying gifts and sending cards. Except for the few times you may see her while at your daughter's, you will basically go dark on her. As far as she knows........you fell off planet earth. The purpose is not to be mean and hurt her, but to show her what life without you would be like for her.

Since she is living in another town, I think I would change the locks on the house. If you have not had a free legal consultation, maybe you could check to see where you stand legally.

She will have to see how sorry this OM is........and he may get physical with her, too. The fog will work like blinders for a while, but eventually, she will start to see. Life is a harsh teacher, and it will show her what she has lost due to her decision.

Just be careful about burning bridges, if you still want her back. Chose your battles wisely. You can't control her life, you can only control yourself.

Thank you Sandi. No she is not living with him. At least not where she lives. She maybe spending time at his place though. IDK. Assume so. I may let her know she can begin paying for her insurances though.I have spoken to my attorney and he said this would be ok to ask her to pay for her own insurances.
I also thought maybe I could use the health care as a leverage seeing she needs the prescription care. try to make a deal for her to get into a psychologist if she wants to remain on Ins without paying. Our health ins is expensive and for her to get an individual policy will hurt financially. She is only working minimally. We do have assets though. She has drained down her Roth and if she wants any of the other money we both have to sign a form. My daughter is the thread but she has told her in no uncertain terms that she will not accept her mother as long as she is with him. D told her she will not be a part of her life. Doesn't seem to register.

Hello Cola,

First of all, congrats to your daughter and her upcoming graduation! You must be so proud Kudos to you and the excellent example you are setting.

I'm glad you are getting some legal advice regarding the insurances. Be cautious...I'm not sure that using it as leverage to have her see a psychiatrist/psychologist is in your best interest.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Thanks Cristy,
I will take you up on the call as soon as I can. Just spoke with daughter and again she reiterated her stand that if her mom doesn't choose wisely then she will not be a part of her life. D is a very strong person for a 105lbs. LOL. This is an aweful position for anyone in this spot. So undeserved. I just cant ever imagine how anyone can have a excuse for doing anything like this. My parents were married 48 years before their deaths. In-laws 60 years. Crazy garbage..

You may not see it as such, but I think your W will see it as you controlling.....if you try to push her to therapy. Even if you present it as a deal, she won't respond willingly. I know you are concerned, but you have to take care of things on your end and not try to work her stuff, too. That is part of the "letting her go", until she sees for herself and wants to reconcile.

It seems like a fine line for many men. It takes a little practice.

Ok,I wont push it.
I am trying to just stay out of sight and have no communication with her.
This past spring we attended a marriage boot camp(May) and she stated I must be the dumbest woman in the world not to coming running back to you. I thought yup . At that class there was a questionare and one of the questions was would you have a hard time not talking to your spouse. Her answer was yes. I'm sure her thoughts have changed but I'm holding hope that she will miss not being in contact with me. We will see.. I am letting her go at this point. Our circle of friends and family see what she is doing and can't believe it. Another one who has recently done the same thing to her H is accepting her actions even though she knows what our relationship was like. Even she is angry toward me. Go figure.

Anyhow my focus is on me and my daughter right now. I am coming to the conclusion that if she wants to go then she should hit the bricks. I haven't given up but in time I may choose to not want her back. I guess time in a relationship means nothing anymore. I never new there were so many self centered, selfish, narcissistic people in this world. I was taught there is Right and Wrong nothing in between. The values and morals sure have changed in this country. VERY SAD. It will be her loss and she will have to deal with it the rest of her days. Especially her relationship with our daughter.