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Hi BrightFuture- I am so sorry. As everyone else has already stated, do not be so hard on yourself. You can't blame yourself that your H is broken.

Remember to focus on what you can control: you.

Thinking of you.

I'm sorry Bright.

My mantra at this time was: "Let go or be dragged"

Thanks HaWho and Heather.

Kml, I would like that… Does it mean that to implement that I will have no more replies to my posts when I mention H and not my GAL and my moving on activities ? I’m just wondering how this could be implemented. I already stopped sharing with my friends and family. Well, occasionally I cannot resist and get the 2x4s big time, to the point of depression episodes for me. I honestly want to know how I can be “dragged”, because I think I need this.

I’ve been processing our interruction last night. So far, I haven’t heard from H about the forms. He told me that he could do it today, but I guess he was busy with other stuff. It just feels like pulling teeth right now. I want to get done with this part for now.

I also thought how he said he wanted to do the paper work on the condo to transfer it to him before we would file for a D. The condo is in Mexico, so there might some complications with the whole thing. I know that if he would get me off the mortgage (which is with US mortgage company), he would need to refinance. I think he is not quite sure that whole process will work, this is why he set the D timeframe for later.

I’m also wondering… He said he wants to talk to me about all these… When? Why didn’t he talk about it already? If I didn’t contact him about the forms, would he even mention that talk? He’s been out of work for some time. He had all the time in the word to have that “talk” with me…

I’m been processing my feelings of grief and sadness, but I’m also glad that this could start moving in some direction. I’m glad that I don’t have to make the decision whether to initiate the D myself. Even though I think I’m ready… after the yesterday’s conversation. Maybe H doesn’t want to start this until next year, so not to ruin the holidays for me. So nice of him… I will wait until next year. I’m not looking forward to all these legal stuff that could be very complicated because the property is in a foreign country. But… I think it will allow me to finally move on. I might actually file for D before all the stuff in Mexico is resolved. I let H handle all the complications.

I missed the text from H that he sent an hour ago, asking me if he could drop off the documents tomorrow. Still, kind of pulling teeth… I hoped it would be done tonight. Oh well, tomorrow is good as any day, LOL. I texted him back saying “Sure”, he can do it tomorrow.

Ya know, you could look into pushing for the sale of the condo. I'm thinking you can afford a better attorney here. Not like he hasn't dragged this whole thing out until he was good and ready to take action/maybe found someone else. I think... As I write this... I feel sorta angry with this d-bag. So, he is ready for the D now? Well, deliver it.

Sorry... Just the mood I'm in today.

Bright,
I would look into the particulars about the condo. Is his name on your house? Would the agreement be that you keep the house you are living in and he get the condo? These are the types of things that people will want to know moving forward w/the division of property. If his name is not on your house, I would not just sign over the condo, but remind him that both names are on it, therefore you would be entitled to your half of the condo at the time of the sale or him buying you out.

You have a lot of things to figure out, i.e., the business, his mail and other things that you've been handling for him while he's away for work. All of this will need to be sorted out and yes, once a divorce goes through, he will have to do this stuff himself and not rely on you to do them for him.

He probably hasn't gotten all of his thoughts together to have a conversation w/you or he's giving you time to adjust to the fact that he wants a divorce. Bright, as I have pointed out to a few on the forum, aim high for what you want out of the divorce at this time because if you don't, he will change his mind later. Also, he's being fairly nice about things right now, but once you advise him of what you want out of the divorce his attitude may change. So, now is the time to advise him of what you want. Don't just give him everything he is asking for...after all, he's the one that wants out of the marriage, not you.

So, take your time in reviewing the forms he's bringing over, do your homework and above all else, get a good lawyer that understands the laws in Mexico as well as here. Don't allow him to walk all over you during this process.

Surprisingly, I was doing pretty good today! There was no text from H about him dropping of the papers. I got home from work and was wondering if he did drop by and came to the house. No, there was no evidence. Then I started thinking that he might have changed his mind and doesn’t want sign these… It was after 7 pm when I got a call from him. He said that he was driving his brother home and was around the corner from my house. He apologized that he didn’t text me earlier and asked if it was ok to stop by. I told him that it was ok. After all, he is still a decent guy inside, LOL. This is what makes it hard to understand why he is doing hurtful things sometimes.

So, he stopped by. Didn’t even enter the house, because his brother was waiting for him in the car. I have a few more pieces of mail for him that I picked up from PO box. There was a check for him for some of his invoices (company). I handed it all to him. He looked at the check, got excited for a second and asked me if I could deposit it after the 1st of the year. I agreed. Then he decided to open the envelope and see how much the check was for. Daahh… The amount was less than he anticipated. He looked at the voucher part with the details and became very upset.

This is where for the first time in some time I saw some emotion… His face… I saw the pain… He was very upset. He told me that the prices for his work came down and it is not the same anymore. Seriously, I haven’t seen him upset like that before. We had some very rough patches with money and there were multiple times when he was not paid for his work, and we even lost some money in business and had to borrow from the bank to pay the subcontractors he was working with. We were able to survive because of my income. We paid it all back. But, even then I never saw this much pain on his face.

He is driving back to the vacation home tomorrow. Like I said, I was fine today. His visit didn’t bother me as much and I’m glad the papers are signed. I think I’m very prepared for the assets division talk now. I just don’t know when he is planning to do that. There was no mention of it today.

Heather, thanks for the comments. You are not the only one who calls my H a d-bag. I would feel the same way if I would look at somebody else’s sitch. I might actually starting to feel it in my own sitch. I don’t think H is “good and ready” for D now. I think he has a lot of influence from some “friends”. I also don’t think he found someone. I think he realizes that this cannot continue as it is, especially after I asked him to sign the forms I needed. I will have to see when he initiates that “talk” about the condo.

Job, the forms I asked him to sign and notarize are simple. They look fine. Now I just need to send them to the accounts to designate my son as a beneficiary.

The house is on my name. He told me that he would sing a Quit Claim Deed form 2 ½ years ago. He was running so fast from this house, me and his “old” life back then, also thinking that he would have a condo. I jumped on the offer for the house and refinanced it. So now, according to the attorney I spoke with, the house is mine, he has no stake in it. He gave it to me. He didn’t want it. I took the full responsibility for the mortgage. So, the house is off the picture for the division of assets. I’m so glad I did this 2 ½ years ago, it was a very smart move on my part.

Job, I will definitely take my time in reviewing everything he will propose. He thinks that I will just sign off the condo to him, as he did for the house. He said that his 401k/IRA is not as high as it should be because he took some money for down payment on the condo. Yes, I agree. But, my IRA is also not as high because I didn’t put money into it for all these years when I was working my butt off as a traveling consultant and paying for two mortgages, while H was losing the money on his business and trying to find himself as a sales agent (when he also had more expenses than he earned.) Yes, he did put the money for the condo, but we would not even bought it if not for my hard earned income.

So, no… I’m not going to sign off the condo to him. And I will have an attorney here, not in Mexico (thanks, Heather) to represent me. Job, I think you are right that his attitude might change once he finds out that I’m not going to roll over and give him what he wants.

I might change my mind though and just give him the condo… I think I still have some compassion for the man… I will see how it to goes…

Hi Bright - so glad you had a good day today. I've been thinking of you.

Be very careful of making a financial decision with your heart. I am not at all suggesting that you rake him over the coals. But, it seems like you should sit down and really figure out the math on this condo situation. He is mentioning his diminished 401k so he is certainly looking out for himself. Make sure you as looking out for you, too.

It sounds like he fell on some hard financial times that impacted him. Of course these things happen in life. In marriage, we stand by our spouses through richer or poorer. Be sure to make decisions with a calculator and logic. Be compassionate toward yourself.

Bright,

Have you read Codapendent No More?

It really helped me see that I'm only responsible for me. You don't owe him anything. He may have a good heart, but he has left you wondering, waiting and in the dark for years until HE was ready to move. From my side of the fence, things didn't turn in terms of Matt having any interest in me until I mirrored the same type of treatment I was getting.

You paid TWO MORTGAGES... You have been civil and handled things for him that a grown man should be handling himself.

You may get upset with me Bright, but you seem to enable him.

It sounds, to me, like he has someone in his life and he is now ready to move forward so they can enjoy their lives in the condo.

I know I didn't always follow DB protocol... But, I have to say... At this stage... I can see Matt didn't give a rat's a$$ about me for most of this ordeal. It's a hard pill, but it's the truth. I'm not sure he is capable of feeling anything real at this point.

Take care of YOU. Get yourself to a place where your life is better than it EVER would have been with this cowardly, parasitic man.