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This is very difficult (but similar to a year ago).

H is working very hard to convince me that he doesn't want to split, and that he's done with OW - this time for good. However, I don't know if he's being honest. There is a piece of the puzzle missing that I don't think he's being honest about, and I even fear he has involved one of the adult kids to help him cover it up.

If there's no trust, how can we rebuild?

We had a long and very open conversation about us yesterday, and it was great - if it was real. I question if H is playing me.

I'm waiting for H to provide the puzzle piece, but there will still be trust issues for a long time. He is not acting in an open and transparent way, he's more trying to sweep his tracks, it seems.

Painter,

Have an update for us?

Hi Trumpet (who lives in my favorite US city )

It's been a very strange and eventful week and weekend. I need to write it all down in my journal before I start forgetting the details.

H has been stepping up like I've never seen before. He says he is committed to our M, does not want to S or D or be with OW, and acts as if he suddenly understands what my needs are and how to communicate his own. We have had several really good conversations and a lot of just relaxed, comfortable interaction. We are purposefully practicing each other's love languages - and laugh about it, in a good way.

I know making up/reconciling can bring on intense feelings and a 'honeymoon' phase, but it sounds like H has really understood something he didn't before. I have not seen him like this before. It's interesting, because he doesn't really like MC, but I think our sessions earlier in the spring has helped him get here.

I have seen our MC by myself, twice since this all happened, and she seems to think I am doing what I can do to allow this to happen while also protecting myself to the best of my ability. In my nightmares, this is all an act on H's part to protect his finances and lull me into a feeling of safety while he still continues pursuing his plans with OW.

There are still a couple of things that need to be done before I can really start trusting this radical transformation - in addition to just time, of course. It has to do with the logistics of H's communication with OW. He is willing and has promised to take care of it, but it hasn't happened yet. H knows it is important that this happens soon.

Wow, what a change! I hope this is a good sign. I know how you feel regarding being worried that there are financial motivations at play. I guess all you, or we can do is just be patient and take each day as it comes. We also have to make sure we protect ourselves for the worst. Not easy. But all in all I feel like this is good news.

Looking forward to your future postings about piecing.

Julie, I don't know if I have the nerve to go back to the Piecing-forum again! Maybe I will jinx us...

If this is all genuine, I think what happened was that I found out about H's second round with OW just as he had pulled out of it. It basically burned itself out when he saw what she was really like as more time went by.

He says she contacted him in the spring and they were e-mailing sporadically for quite a while, then it got more frequent in the fall. There are some strange and confusing elements to the story - she was supposedly in a committed relationship with someone else, and H never really asked her about it...?

When he felt we were not doing well and told OW that he was going to move out, she supposedly jumped the gun and started talking about moving in with him. It is difficult for me to wrap my brain around how she could do that without any encouragement from H, but I did see in their e-mails that he really didn't reply to her at all about it and was very brief in his answers, which were mostly about unrelated and impersonal stuff.

So it looks like she was a lot more after him than he was after her - and he may feel some kind of relief that he dodged a bullet, perhaps...

Painter,

That's awesome news! So happy for you.

A week ago my wife somehow flipped the switch, and in word said she wanted to work on the M. Has started with conversation - we've gone back and forth on a few things, but she's contacting me now, when before she wasn't doing any texting or calls to me.

Stay vigilant - I know you can do this.

Trumpet, that is absolutely wonderful news! I hope it keeps developing in a positive direction for you and W. I think it's a very big step for the WAS to come right out and say they want to work on it.

H did that back in January/February, but it turns out he wasn't completely ready after all. He seems to be much more present now. I'm still very happy I hung in there and gave him all the time he needed.

Painter, I'm happy to see you here. I was keeping up with you on the Piecing board for a while, and now I rarely have time to get over there.

I am so very pleased for you that things seem to be turning around! What great news. Of course, it never goes as quickly as those first wonderful, heady years, but I hear in the end, all the work is completely worth it. I'll be following to see how it goes.

OMG Painter, I'm not sure how I managed to miss your story until now!

Your story has frightful parallels to my own, although my wife is less extreme on both sides - talk of piecing and talk of life with OM. Although in retrospect, I'm not sure of the latter - she has gone underground and I am missing a lot of the conversations. It could also be that the EA (possible PA) wasn't as developed as in your H's case

Be strong and move forward. I'll try to check in to glean advice from your situation, and please feel free to stop in to look at mine. I see big signs of encouragement for both of us, but frankly in my case I'm afraid I'm just chasing windmills.

Ancaire, thank you. :-) I keep focusing on doing this work for my personal development more than anything. That way I know it will be worth it, regardless. I hope.

SciDad, I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation, too. I will try to catch up on your situation as soon as I can. Very pressed for time right now.

It's been a bad day. I didn't feel good starting out, and H did the same thing he does on all his days off - disappears from the morning (we don't even have coffee or breakfast together) with a friend, for a 'quick errand' that ends up taking 5 hours. It's frustrating that he wants to live like a bachelor and still have all the benefits of marriage.

We had a pretty big fight tonight, and I was shocked at how nasty he can get without even trying to hold back.

But he finally sent the final goodbye mail to OW, so I guess that's a good thing.