Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My WW - Trying To Stay Strong

Strngr!,

Some similarities with my situation.

My WW got sick this weekend, I did a few things for her, and she wanted a neck massage - has had a headache for 2 days. I haven't touched her in about a month. It was awesome, but then, after everything is said and done (and having a great weekend), she was back to her 'don't touch me' self by Monday morning. She's still not ready to move on, and it's tough. My efforts to detach were thwarted, so it's back to GAL and detaching today.

I'm sure it was cake-eating. It means nothing unless she's moved on from OM, which it sounds like she hasn't.

My W isnt the one not wanting the touch its all driven by me. If i let her shed be lovey dovey with me all week long cake eating with the best of them.

And no my W still texts OM daily, sees him at work, scheduling out of work meetups as far as i know. I havent spied in some time now but from her actions i would assume its still going on.

Have you seen a L about your rights yet? For separation and D? Consider what separation would be like if she moved out and what financial things would need to be separated. These things you may want to start separating. Like credit cards, joint bank accounts, cell phone, car insurance, car payments, etc. IF she is using these to support her A are you on the hook for the bill?

To me she says she wants separation a lot but doesn't want to stop using the benefits of being married to you at the same time. Typical selfish behavior. You might ask her to define what she means by separation. Or ask her to write a separation agreement for you to review.

Good poing Mvgfwd i still need to see a lawyer. I have a feind who is a family lawyer. Im not sure im 100% comforable using her since shes so close to the situation. I suppose i could ask her what my rights are going through this process.

I havent asked w any details about S because im not the one pishing it i figured ahe would come at me with what shes looking for. I suppose ahe never will bring it up if shes enjoying the way it has been going to date. What have others done if they were in my situation wants seperation bit doesnt want to leave the house says its because of S1?

If you want to stay married, I think having her in the house is a good thing if you can handle it emotionally and GAL without pursuing her or letting her cake eat. Were it me, I wouldn't bring it up and would simply go about my business with detachment and working on yourself.

I would make sure the financial situation is equitable though, and that she is carrying her weight there.

I also agree with everyone who suggested you not leave the house for any reason. Going on a trip or holiday visit I would think is ok (doesn't hurt to check with a L in your state). But physically separating can be presented in a lot of ways and is an escalation. You can't prevent her from doing that, but there may be legal implications if you find yourself down that road so I'd stay as long as there is no abuse, and I'd check with a L.

Others have cut off doing all the little things for the WW. Laundry, cooking, car maintenance, paying for phones, etc. Just acting like she had moved out. Then go big with GALing, be a great father, look/dress upbeat, new clothes, new activities, new cologne, etc. Change the MBR to the way you would want it to be as if she were gone, new sheets, rearrange furniture, whatever. Be mysterious about what you are doing, where you are going, and who you are with.

There's a lot of different things you can do to make it real that you are moving on with your life even if she is still living there and no formal separation discussion. Make it her loss to not go with you and the path you create.

Hey S, I know very well how difficult in-house separation is. It almost seems that it is a monumental task to detach... but it can be done.

With lawyer, great to get on that. As I'm sure you're going this path anyway, the legal advice and understanding your rights is for you only (no need to tell W). I'm sure you'll find that this knowledge from a legal standpoint will provide good footing on which grounds you can decide actions you do. This is without asking your W about S details (which I wouldn't bring up).

As I have been in your in-house situation with a little one, I simply stuck to a GAL schedule (Tues and Thurs each week I was out of the house), and the other days spent time and played with S2. This actually became a large part of where I spent time and had fun, with real bonding time. I had a PMA and acted pleasant around my W when at home. But didn't hang around her as did my own thing. I did my best to keep things short but pleasant (this was hard to do). I knew my W was heavily into OM so the above really helped me detach from situation. This took several months to get here in my case. Also, my W agreed to all our financial separation of accounts, responsibilities, etc. So in effect we became roommates... although not very close as we never delved into each other's lives and what each other was up to. Was more cordial and mostly about S2.

Sorry to ramble on about my situation, but wanted to paint a picture of what helped me. The combination of being the best dad you can be, GAL, and the PMA upbeat (fake it till you make it motto) did in fact help wonders in the detachment side of things. Point is, you have control of how you can act and react in your life and with "choice".

Oh yeah, continue to soak up all you can with S1 as they grow fast! They keep you on your toes! Make the most of Christmas holidays with him.

Thanks for stoping by my thread. I been doing pretty decent i think with the detachment thing but i definitly have some work to do still. I apreciate your feedback since you are the closest person ive found to my sitch. Similar age, similar family and similar marital issue. Anyway i think i have been doing very good with the PMA i just keep telling myself ill be good no matter how this sitch shakes out. Ive been decent at the GAL but still gave some work to do there also like the idea of a schedule. Last 2 tuesdays i been to movies with freinds. So thats been good although they recently found out about my marital issues so they sometimes want to talk about that i just tell em id rather not talk about it and thay im trying to keep my head up and continue moving forward. Im assuming in time they will get where im and stop bringing things up. A couple of my w's freinds who know most of the details have been very supportive of me. I appreciate their support very much. But it shocks me he how little W cares about losing anything maybe she doesnt beleive shes actually going to lose any of us. I guess maybe that relization will come over time. Anyway in rabling. Doing though in a good spot staying posative and trying to stay very strong

So W is having some problems with her phone there is some left over spying stuff on her phone that could potentially be the cause of the problem. I havent spyed in quite a while now nor do i want to as it effects my emotional attitude greatly and is preventing detatchment
I have a few options on how i can handle this whats everyones thoughts on whats my best option

1) come clean say i want to be start to be perfectly honest with her movong foward and tell her i still have something left on her phone that could be causing her problems and ask if i can remove the item and see if it fixes her problem. She will want to know what the item is and i dont realy want to answer that question. But atleast im coming clean.
2) let her deal with the problem herself and try to find a fix. In the process she may find the thing thats left on the phone and find everything out.
3) try to gain access to her phone to remove this item secretly. She has changed her password and this wont be easy.

Let me know your thoughts here i know i messed up and i shouldnt spy i am done with it now need to resolve this issue though let me know your thoughts.

Or offer to get her a new phone and don't spy anymore. Yes, it's a backslide, pursuing type thing, but it also doesn't start a big argument that would be more detrimental in my view.

And I think you know enough to not need to spy anymore anyway.