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Be safe and enjoy ur trip ep!

The trip has been awesome so far! I have missed my Dad so much. Also seeing S4 and him back together again has been so heart warming. We have had an awesome day with 40 family members at lunch. He is now taking a bath in my grandmothers whirlpool tub with the jets on, having a blast.

H hasn't called at all today, not even a text. I have asked S4 if he wants me to call and he says "ummm no thanks". Okay then.

I know the holidays are hard for all of us but we do have a lot to be thankful for. Keeping my dignity through out this hell is a big one.

Got home from our trip 2 hours ago. He little guy is passed out and I am relaxing on the sofa. I got really sad today in the car thinking about H. Sadly this Thanksgiving would have been the same even if we were happily married. I would be traveling it see my family alone because he would never ask off work to go. I say never because it hasn't happened once in our 13 year relationship. I accepted that was our reality and I didn't fight it. Now, stepping back, I do want it. I want a partner with me, beside me, through all of life.

I am also incredibly sad for who he is becoming. He still hasn't called or texted to see how his son is/was. He won't see him for 8 days and hasn't talked to him since Tuesday. I am not sure how to explain this but I know I could have called him to see if he wanted to talk to S4 but honestly I want him to have his own relationship with his son, not because I am forcing him to have one. I mean he was demanding 50/50 custody but really doesn't show much initiative to be present. I just don't know how to handle this. I did send him a couple of pictures and got no reply.

I do not like this person at all. Was he always this way and I didn't see it? Did I just cover for him so as not to rock the boat? Have I been enabling him for 10+ years? These questions are really burning me right now.

I need help figuring out how to respond to STBX's latest text.

History - for our entire marriage our finances have been seperate, we just never got them set up jointly. So we split the bills based on our incomes of who would pay what. It has been that way forever.

Since BD it hasn't changed. Our incomes haven't changed so we still pay the bills we are responsible for. I know that will change but we haven't reached a financial agreement yet.

I sent him an FYI text yesterday with the power bill amount. He said he would take care of it and then "you're going to have to start helping with the bills".

WTH? I already helped him by getting my own cell plan, unexpectedly. He knows I don't have any additional income to take on more bills. Once we are divorced and I am on my own I have a huge deficit of expenses vs income, which is why I am fighting for more child support and alimony. I just don't know how to reply.

I asked my L of we could talk about it in the collaborative meeting but he wants to know if this is a rational convo I can have with him on the side. I don't think he is in a place to hear anything from me. Help!

Why do you think this requires a response?

I guess it doesn't but I hate ignoring him. Maybe not responding is a response? Won't it make him more mad?

ARE you ignoring him? You listened and absorbed the information.

If you reply, youre going to describe the arrangement you have, the bills you pay, etc, etc. And hes going to take a defensive stand. And likely a fight will happen, right?

Id say that theres no reason to respond unless he asks you a question or requests money from you. Otherwise, why change the status quo? Just document what youve been paying and what hes been paying.


Do you have a goal somewhere that says "dont do things that will cause H to get mad"?

How would starting a conversation that leads to the disagreement I described above lead him to feel?

Hello ep!

You made it through Thanksgiving! Yes, it is sad he did not call, but you have to separate yourself from that. You sent him pictures, but you should refrain from that anymore if you can. I promise, if you stick to your guns, it gets easier. His relationship with his S is out of your control.

If you have to say outloud in a mirror "I cannot control this, I need to step away from this." Then do it.

Then get ready to fight through the overwhelming feelings of "THIS IS NOT FAIR!"

It is not fair. You now have 100% of the responsibility with no help. And just when you think you got it down, these feelings start to choke you again, and you just want to lash out at H to let him know what a jerk he is. If he only understood how mean not calling S was, he would call, right? Wrong! If you let him know, you will push him further away.

The only way he will start to call S again, is if you stop sending him updates and picts.

I know how retched it is. I am very sorry you have to do it.

Also, you do not have to respond to his text about money at all.

Will it make him mad? I have no idea. But you are not responsible to make him happy or sad right now. You will drive yourself crazy trying to fill THAT role.

Just because our WAS's get mad, that does not mean we failed. They are mad because they are realizing what we are realizing. They cannot control you any more than you can control them.

Stick to your guns. Show him you are a strong, independent person! It is the fastest way through this and it will keep you the most sane.

Azzork - A fight would incur, you are correct. Thank you for always helping me see things in a new way.

Hi Mona! Thank you for your post. You made some really good points and I am going to re-read it to absorb it all again.

Okay Mona, I am taking your advice and saying to myself out loud "I can NOT control this, I need to step away from this".

I was afraid of how STBX would act after picking S4 up from church tonight. (btw we had a really great time making ornaments, decorating cookies, etc. together) He was polite and neighborly while we were in the chapel but the parking lot, well different story. I handed him S4's school backpack and his mail from the house. He looked at the power bill and just handed it back to me without saying anything. whew!

He saw the mortgage statement and said something about me saying I wanted the house, you do still, don't you? I was hugging S4 and saying goodbye, I looked up at him and said "I do not want to talk about this in the parking lot". He goes "fine by me", something about his tone was so icy.

I got home and receive this TM:

If you don't want to talk about it to each other anymore that's fine. I will have my L send something to your L tomorrow.

I won't respond. He continues to think he can bully me and threaten me to get his way. I know I have set the precedent in the past but I am EP 2.0. He can go ahead and have his L send something because we have been trying to schedule this meeting for 2 weeks now.

How did we get so far apart?