Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She Wants Me to Leave 3rd Time .....EA or not EA?

I was thinking along the lines of Zephyr. I think if you could find someone you can trust to watch the kids for the evening it would create good karma and one can't have enough of that my friend.

I agree with you both.

Complaint 1. I don't organise childcare arrangements - W has to ALWaYS sort it out.
Complaint 2. My job gets in the way of her social life.

In this instance both complaints were valid BUT all 3 of us were to blame. Babysitter didn't inform us she would be unavailable. I didn't confirm babysitter when I knew I would be late home. W didn't confirm babysitter when she knew 3 weeks ago that I would be late home.

In fact after sending a few texts W was able to sort alternative arrangements.

Also when I tried to sort out childcare arrangements on my own a few weeks ago I was criticised by W for 'pushing her out'.

W can be quite controlling in this respect. She has a perfectionist nature and perfectionists demand perfection in themselves AND others. When she doesn't achieve 'perfection' she is highly self critical and when others don't achieve perfection ...well she criticises them ... And me.

She has OCD behaviours, relating to lifestyle .She doesn't eat wheat (intolerance), doesn't eat meat (lifestyle choice) , doesn't drink caffeine (lifestyle), only drinks sparkling wine, and in my view is a workaholic.. She also can't say no to an invitation. And in her words ' hates asking for favours' but will always give favours. This is what she hated about the babysitter fail - she had to ask a favour of a friend!

An example is going out for a meal. She will order the fish dish, and then complain as it often isn't cooked to her high standards - she is a very good cook.

She often says in a joking way, I'm high maintenance, and it's true!

But she does obviously have a lot of redeeming qualities which far outweigh her perfectionist, OCD,

I will list try to list all her complaints from down the years, with her list of what I had to fix back in 2012

Everything you said true and none of it matters. It would be a kind gesture to find child care for her. Don't keep throwing the same pitch to the batter, switch it up a bit. It can't hurt and who knows what could come out of it. Call one of your friends, call a neighbor, call a sibling. You can't win it if your not in it.

Mutatio. - she did find childcare within 10 minutes of the problem arising - S8 is going straight his friends house after school - he then goes to football practice and back to friends house. - I will pick him up at 8-9 pm

S11 will go home from school, W will cook his food , he will then walk to scouts group at 6. They are going climbing . I will pick him up at 10pm. W will go out to concert at 6:30.

W was just as annoyed with a friends mum who will not allow her s11 to be alone with our s11 as she feels they are too young.

I know I should share in the arrangements of childcare but often W is reluctant to relinquish control - the perfectionist wants it 'done right.'

In fact when I first booked my flight I told her I would be late home - 9pm and that we needed a sitter as she was also out. She said fine it won't be a problem - of course she forgets that part.

Is, this time was just an example of 'more of the same from you'

That is the point we are trying to make. Maybe next time, you can take the first step on trying to make the arrangements. wife might bitch about it, so what. That is her issue, not yours. you will be trying. you will be doing what wife has expressed as a concern or shortcoming.

I am just saying that it is something to think about...more of the same is basically the opposite of validating her concerns...it essentially comes off as dismissive of her concerns, feelings and thoughts...you get my drift?

You can get it next time!!!

Zephyr/ Mutatio

I totally get it, it's the small consistent changes that count.

Another gripe is that she has to pay for many of the incidentals for the kids. School meals, scout trips, guitar lessons, swimming lessons, etc
NB she earns 30% more than I do so pays more of the bills but equally spends more on herself like Botox this week £150 and even a £750 painting!

I just asked her to send me details of how to pay online for school meals for S11 and S8 and for Xmas concert for S11

I'm sorry isittolate, I did not know the problem was solved. I think what Zephyr said about changing your behaviors that she is at odds with is a good strategy. It may cause her to rethink her position.

I'm in Stockholm, Sweden until tomorrow afternoon.

Last night there was a power cut back home(electricity substation burnt down)with the power on and off several times yesterday evening and overnight.

W texted me late last night re: power cut and then this morning rang me during her car journey to work for the first time since BD. She had a big story to tell re the power outage and how she had been awake half the night as the house alarm system kept being activated by the power outage (it comes on when all power is cut).

Also S11 was in the house alone during the first outage and was very upset when the power went out as he was left all alone in the dark. He cried and went in the street a little bewildered and scared. W felt very guilty leaving him alone like that. Of course I sympathised and validated etc.

It just felt good to talk to her in the morning for 20 mins as this is when we traditionally communicated when I am away on business even though it was because she felt guilty and needed to talk.

This evening I rang again to say goodnight to the kids but W wanted to talk. When I tried to end the convo a bit early she protested and wanted to continue.

We talked about the power outage, S11's nervous disposition, then a big conversaton about me paying for some of S8 and S11's social activities and school meals and me organising childcare for the kids. I had emailed her earlier with my intention to pay for this and to be more hands on with childcare and we had a discussion about how in the past she had always done it.

In fact she agreed that she liked to do it as she was the principal organiser for the kids and needed to know what had been paid and when,and what childcare was booked. She said she didnt like it when I 'tried to take over' - I was just trying to help !

But she thought it good that I was stepping up, as I would have to in the future (i.e. after separation FFS!!!!) - she said 'we haven't had a talk about the future.....'

Then the convo switched to tomorrow evening - W is due to go to a Duran Duran concert with a friend who is a Duran Duran nut. BUT it turns out friend is suffering from depression and hadnt told W and doesn't want to go. W is upset and might waste a ticket costing £75. She is trying to find a GF to go with.

I did the usual sympathise and validate and listen routine.

The convo was approx 30 mins which is the longest phone call we have had since BD. I ended it but I think she wanted to continue.

I'll try to keep an eye out this weekend for any big posts by you. Please go somewhere away to listen to the tapes and say some prayers before confronting if and when you discover way more than you ever thought possible. It'll be the biggest punch in the gut you've ever received if she's actually cheating on you and how you handle the few hours after that will be something you remember for the rest of your life.

You are cared about here. Bring it here and let's talk about it before you rush off to confront. It REALLY hard to be rational and strategic about such information but it can make all the difference. Remember too, you want to be able to corroborate the evidence separate from the recordings such that she'll never know you recorded her. If you don't the whole debate will be about "how dare you record me" and how doing that is the final straw versus being about her incredibly devastating and hurtful behavior. You don't have to prove she's having an affair because if she is...she knows it. Just need a reasonable and reliable way to say you know.

For example - take notes on the conversations - if she indicates in the recording that she went to his house last night after the kids went to be or that OM came over you could say you hired a private investigator and he had a surveillance camera in the house and took pictures of OM entering and leaving on _______ night and then the PI followed her to ______ where I think he again photographed you kissing the OM. I haven't seen the pictures yet. You say he rang you and told you it all and maybe even have a friend call your phone at a certain time and you just fake a conversation. Make it really believable and she'll cave in and the truth will be out there without ever having to tell her how you discovered it REALLY. You even can say you refuse to look at the pictures because you couldn't stand the thought (thus you are able to keep the content of the photos vague).

Maybe you discover nothing and most of your suspicions can be set aside and you can focus on trying to recover your marriage.

I hope so - otherwise i'm in for a crap weekend and Xmas. A chunk of the recording will be me talking to her yesterday and today.

We had the power outage drama on Wednesday night and FIL is still in hospital. He has a 'shadow ' on his lungs - which might be fluid, cyst or cancer. He has never smoked though.

I'm in the airport now - and it's totally depressing. Normally I would be hunting a little gift for W, just a small item, chocolates, probably. And at this time of year, Christmas presents for her, perfume etc .I'm a very considerate gift buyer for W and over the last 4 years have always sort to get her a little something when I am away.

I've bought some chocolate for the kids - I'm sure W will look disappointed - for a moment or two, process it and move on.

Mind reading I know.

She is not going to the concert tonight but has rearranged to go out with some GFs for a drink.