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You pose some good questions, and I honestly do not know how to answer them. I know he was very depressed during and before that period 8 years ago. We had just moved for his new job (he quit the old one because it was too stressful, and the same with the one before that.) He was also drinking quite a bit during this period, but quit when he realized it was becoming a problem. He wasn't doing much with the kids or me, and was sometimes verbally abusive. That was when I couldn't take it anymore either and almost walked. I was packing bags and he came and said he was sorry and he knew he wasn't being a great dad or husband. Well--there-- I guess I can answer that question.
But I never blamed him, though you're right ,he probably blamed himself. And I know he is pretty upset that he is 48 years old, we have a mountain of debt, no savings and no retirement.
I wasn't trying to toot my own horn. I know that a marriage is not always wine and roses. I am not perfect, and I can see how I contributed to this mess.
Truly, these changes in me are truly FOR me, and my kids. I did not like the person I was becoming. I have never been Angry Mom. So I will continue working on me.

Well, I did not sleep very well last night, but I did get a few solid hours of worrying in.
After discussing and debating all my "should ofs, could ofs, and would ofs" with myself at 3 in the morning, it was indeed wasted time. I was thinking back to the week before BD in particular. He went to the Dr on that Thu to get Cialis, as the anxiety med he is om lowers his libido. He texted me and said if I want to have sex again that I need to call the insurance company and see if they cover Cialis, some do and some don't, and its expensive. This was 4 days before the BD!! But I know I am driving myself insane, and whats done is done.

I do need advice on something though. Like I said, I am working on me as my first 180. He saw me as a bitchy, complaining, unhappy housewife, so that is where I started. It was true and I didn't like it either. Other things like me not ironing his clothes. He didn't ask, but said "Since you're home all day, you could iron my clothes." I got defensive, as A) I have never ironed his clothes in 21 years, he is more particular and B) that wasn't really a request, more like demand. It was kind of a huge, stupid fight. So part of my epiphany was to start doing that, making sure his lunch was out etc. To me/us, that is a 180, because I never did it before, But now I am wondering if it looks like pursuing and a desperate attempt to keep him. At the same time I want to "be the person only a fool would leave."
And yesterday he called to tell me CVS kept texting to pick up his meds and "he hates to use me like this but would I go pick them up?" I did. I feel like I am in a Catch-22.
Any suggestions would be helpful. I know this is just my perspective, but I really feel like the reason we are here is because we were so neglectful of each other and our marriage--everything else came first, kids, jobs, moves; each of us feeling like the pot of gold was right around the corner, and "this new job is going to make it all better." Well each job/move has taken us further into debt and further down the rabbit hole, with this one landing us square at the bottom.

Man, I am so mad right now, I could spit nails.
Just came from a mtg with high school counselors who are concerned my oldest will not graduate from high school this year. He needs all 18 credits to graduate and is at risk of not passing 4 of those. How is this my H's fault you may ask. WELL we just moved him from his small school to this very large one, and it is actually his 5th school. We talked about an alternative high school, but they feel because we just moved here and he has had so many educational changes that they feel it would be best for him to stay put. So fingers crossed that he can do well on upcoming finals and pass what he needs to pass.
They dismissed him to talk about younger son, who is doing very well. I was very worried about him coming to this bigger school because he is so shy.
And now my H wants to walk away from us. Its one of those days that I feel like saying "Go!! And take your selfish, self-centered, immature attitude with you!"

Good thing is is away on biz.

I can only say what I think I would do...

If my W said she was moving out, I don't think I'd be having sex with her...at least, I don't think I should if I were in that situation.

If he's still going to work and supporting the family financially then I don't see anything wrong with doing basic family chores and errands, but that's me. If you're still living together and keeping the household functioning at minimum, it seems like your attitude could be..."I don't mind helping out because we are currently still all in this together, etc.".

However, I'd be sure I had my mind right so that my spouse wasn't sucking me into fights (you didn't iron my shirts right), etc.

Only you know the real dynamic there and what might be going on with your H. My vote would be that chores and household/family tasks that are helpful are fine, intimacy and sex and affection with a move-out looming on the horizon would not be for me. That's a situation in need of a boundary ("If you're moving out in X weeks, I don't feel comfortable doing that at this time.").

If he says he's going to stay, or gives a vague response, or pressures you, I'd just say that if we decide to work on the marriage together at some point, then once I'm comfortable we're making progress that would be on the table again."

At least, that's my thinking about it.

So sorry for your son. Some schools do have an alternative program for transferred students, where they can catch up on their credits. However, four credits in basically one remaining semester, is expecting a awful lot.

Are these core subjects he has to have, or can he take elective subjects to have a total of 18?

If he can take electives, maybe you could ask if they would take on-line or college corresponding courses for credit.

Thanks for the response, tl2. And I like it. We have had a traditional type marriage for most of these 21 years, with me working part time the last 5 or 6. My position/thought process has always been "I don't mind doing whatever you want me to, but don't demand it, or wig out when I didn't get to it. I didn't NOT do it just to piss you off." I have never minded being a SAHM, but always felt like HE felt I was never quite June Cleaver enough for him.
Currently there is no sex/intimacy at all, and just once since we have been here. As I said his libido is low so he just went and got some Cialis. Also we have separate bedrooms, but have for maybe 16 or 17 years.It just worked for us, and we still managed to get the deed done.

ps... I have no idea what is going with my H right now. Pretty sure it is some sort of demonic possession.

sandi, thanks for your concern. He needs to pass two of his finals and that will be two of the 4 credits. I believe the other 2 are algebra 1 and 2, and they have put him a different/slower paced class. And got rid of his AP classes. Hoping and praying he can pull this out.
Plus they put him in an ROTC program which is before school and that is 1 or 2 credits. He is going in the army after grad, assuming he graduates, so that might be good for him.

Bless his heart, it's tough. I moved around when I was a kid and went to several schools. It never got easier being the new student. Of course, when you start moving across states.....it can be hard.

It probably will help taking him out of the AP classes, but that math is a doozy for most. Maybe he's talented in that area. I'll be hoping and praying for him.....and all of you.

Hey mel,

Has he been checked for low testosterone? It can affect libido as well as other mental things and even make men more vulnerable to depression. I was a little skeptical of that, but I went from being a very driven, aggressive guy to being what seemed like a different person, very withdrawn, as my T levels waned (when I was around 46/47. I also went from having a very high sex drive to very little. Getting T supplements really improved the situation.

Hi Melweb,

I feel for you and your hopefully graduating senior! Does the library at his school offer any tutoring? Some schools have student volunteers that help other students at no charge. Hopefully there is someone available to help him before finals. Worst case scenario, check into an online credit recovery class through the school district.

I'm glad you are focusing on becoming the best Melweb you can be. Recognizing the positive changes you are making and how that is helping you is powerful.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004