Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again "Care and Feeding" Instructions NOT Included

Try Dr Laura's book the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Worked for me.

Cindy

Z,

You women folk did not come with an instruction manual either and now I think I've lost control.

Hang in. And maybe you will begin to "hear" H as he may begin to hear you also.

write

hi zoo - i was so relieved to read your 'what not to do' list - same problems here too. it is so easy to aSSume H is confident and secure, when in actual fact some of our questions and behaviors can set them off, which in turn causes a downward spiral with us too. duh. took me a long time to figure out H is vulnerable too, even if he does not say so.

the best defense i have found is acting as if - nothing was wrong, i was talking to a good friend. i bring in fewer expectations and baggage, and my tone seems to be more loving. H responds nicely, and we move on an upward spiral.

keep going with the good work - it is worth the prize

Zoo,
I think it is harder for us (the betrayed) to get "over it" more so than our S. Frankly, I see through your posts that you really have nothing to worry about! I think you need to work out the do and don't's and soon you will not need to bug your H with your insecurities. Look at the positives, not the negatives and learn to trust him. And I do believe you need to trust him, more than anything! Don't let the old A issues rot and fester until you have no R with your H. Don't let it eat away until you go back to where you just came from.

Be thankful things are where they are and you can build a new and better R with your H. Sometimes we need to "let go" of the bad, for good. It is the past, bury it and move on.

Luv ya!
hugs
Deb

Hi Deb,

I have been trying just as you suggested all weekend. I struggled daily with "stinking thinking" and wanted to ask H so many questions it wasn't even funny. Everytime a question popped into my head I told myself, "hold on a min., think about it...YOU KNOW what his response will be."
Of course, that other dumb voice would try to reason with me though..."BUT if you don't ASK then HOW will you ever know the answer?" I would just literaly bite my tongue then or clench my fists

I still can't get myself to stop asking "what's wrong?" This happens without my brain even engaging, it is so habitual. Yep, H find it very annoying too.

The weekend was...STRANGE. I was up and down and all over the place. I'm not sure, but I may have been trying TOO hard?

Sat. I felt good because I had encouraged H to go do something he really wanted to do rather then staying at home and working on the coop. This was unusual for me because I like to have the weekends for us to do stuff together. I thought/guessed/assumed/felt like H might need a break from me though so I said go do the Army thing.

The downside to this was that I had TOO much time on my hands to THINK. I have become so adept and practised at keeping my brain engaged that I CAN and DO do it while I am doing 20 other things at once. I spent the day working on the coop AND engaging my internal dialogue My parents came over to help me later in the day and my "stinking thinking" gained a voice a time or two and I made comments I probably shouldn't have I smacked myself internally for that.

When H FINALLY got home I did NOT let those thoughts gain any voice at all though. I just asked him how it went and if he had fun. He was worn out and had badly aching feet (was on them for 12 hours) so I knew he wasn't going to be able to work on t he coop anymore. Called it a night, parents left and I rubbed H's feet a little then suggested a nap

We went in to take a nap together and I managed to put H to sleep rather quickly...I think I slept a bit myself but I'm not sure. I know my eyes were suddenly open and I felt AWFUL...kind of like I was going through drug withdrawal? I ended up getting back up and basically staying up until 2 am

H woke up about then and asked me to come back to bed I went in and laid down and we chit-chatted a bit and then (it has been awhile since H woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to do that) and then we both fell back to sleep

Sun everything seemed fine at first H woke me up and was all smiling and teasing with me. He went out to work on the coop some more while I did some stuff in the house. When I got done I went out to help him with the coop and, I don't know...it was like he didn't want to be around me?? We finished the coop up and got the chicks moved in and finished watching the race and then went to the grocery. He left me standing all by myself in the hardware store...just took off and when I would finally catch-up with him he would do it again? H does NOT normally do this. I kept trying to be pbeat thoughout our shopping expedition but I was really getting PO'd. I still kept smiling whenever he looked at me though (I think?) When we left the grocery, I asked him if his feet were wearing him down again and was told yes...so I more or less figured his not-so-great mood was due to that.

We had a couple of tense moments when we got home but H did cuddle up to me on the couch for awhile after I fed him. Strangely enough we watched some sex-talk show on TV that H turned the channel too. I did take the opportunity at this point to talk to H about something that was bothering me. I think I handled it a bit better then i have at other times

As noted elsewhere I have been having a problem with H not seeming to have eye contact with me again. The reason I have a problem with it is because during the "bad" time H told me he didn't WANT to look at me because he wasn't "proud" of himself. When things started getting good H "looked" at me all of the time and didn't avoid eye contact. H seemed to start avoiding looking at me again about a month or so ago...at least that is the way it seemed to me. Of course, when it started to seem prevelant, FLAGS started waving furiously at me

I have previously mentioned this to H. I just straight out asked "WHY aren't you looking at me anymore?" I think H blew me off or tuned me out though...maybe thought I was just "complaining" again? SO last night I said "H, I have something that I find very concerning. It seems to me that you are avoiding having eye contact with me...when I look at you it is like you look immediately away. This causes me to feel that perhaps your avoidance is deliberate." H told me "hon, I look at you all of the time, I'm not avoiding it." I said "then perhaps you are looking at me when I am not looking at you." H said "that is probably what it is." I told him "I would like for you to try to have more eye-contact when I am looking at you then...it would make me feel better and besides, you have beautiful eyes and I like seeing them." H laughed and said OK.

I am not sure if that really worked or not or if it was just interpreted by him the same way and he just placated me? It seemed like he was still avoiding me again today

I don't know whether I am just projecting my own emotions onto things or what? I do know that I have a "sense" of uneasiness. Liek something just isn't quite right but I can't put my finger on it. I am not letting myself make assumptions...I am putting "thought-stopping" to work on that but I do keep having to fight with a sick-in-the-gut feeling.

Ack, this post is probably too long now so I will let it drop I guess. I'm still working on my next care and feeding instruction segment. Perhaps with some input I can apply it toward what happened this weekend?

Hugz,
Zoo

Zoo,

I want to write to you, but it's time to put my little ones to bed. Yeah, I'm a sucky mom--it's nearly 10:00 and my kids are both up.

Take care and I'll check in with you tomorrow.

Hugs,

Betsey

Hi Zoo,

I hope dinner and your evening went well.

I forgot to ask, and I AM going to keep bugging you about this one, did you order the book yet??????

Zoo,

It seems you are doing a lot of ASSuming there! You need to put positive thoughts in your head when you do that. I have a lot to talk about because I'm the queen of ASSuming!

I think it was good you talked about the eye contact. It is alright to "ask for what you want". Sometimes you must pick your wars wisely, but, by all means don't shut up and stick your head in the sand.

One of the problems you seem to be having are learning to shut down those "bad" gut feelings.
The only thing is sometimes you need to keep them to yourself because you "dog" your H constantly about your fears. I think like someone suggested here you need to have a talk once a week about such feelings and then let it drop.

Glad to hear you are working on the coop! I love being considered a homesteader and living off the land, raising my own food, heating the house most of the time with a wood burner!

Hugs
Deb

Okay, Zoo,

I'm going back to your post outlining DON'T DO THESE BEHAVIORS for a clue in some things as I see them:

Quote:

---

I plan on addressing my OWN "care and feeding instructions" as well because it is actually the TWO of us that make up the M...and yes, I have been neglecting ME lately.

---

When I'm feeling the way you seem to be feeling (messy emotions that aren't terribly helpful or even reliable in giving me useful information), it usually goes back to not taking care of myself.

What have you been neglecting that you do when times seem to be going more smoothly and you seem impervious to the zillions of unpleasant triggers?

Any thoughts?

Betsey

Everyone is probably right in their replies. I know I have bben neglecting myself...I was suppose to get my hair permed 5 mos ago, something else always "come's up" though so I end up putting it off. I had to quit doing my nails because I overbuffed them and they started splitting quite badly on me. I'm waiting for them to grow out. the ritual I had gotten into of wearing make-up everyday has fallen by the wayside...mainly because a 10.00 bottle of make-up is not a NECESSITY in my mind.

I have been beating H up with my "talks" too No, that isn't an ASSumption...that is what he told me

He said that he realizes that I am not making accusations, that I am trying to "improve" things, that I just want us to communicate better...

He asked me to put DR away and to walk away from the BB...

He told me that I am too caught up in it and I am mentally wearing him out. He says that I am just trying too damn hard. He said I haven't gone too far yet but that I am heading that way...he does not know how much ore he can take.

I guess there comes a time when you HAVE to do this. You have to take what you have learned and go with it, without leaning on your "crutch" so- to speak. I can understand where he is coming from, I KNOW that I have been getting REALLY intense lately.

I guess I should take heart that he is comfortable enough with "US" that he feels I no longer need to keep "hitting the books". He said that the PROCESS is good and that it worked when it was needed...but now it is hurting us.

I have to respect H's request. I may still check in and read from time to time, I don't know. I guess I won't be posting though. Yes, this sucks because I think I was on to something with this new thread ...maybe there will come a time when I can pick it back up...maybe I WILL learn more by not leaning on the BB so much?

I love all of you...you have all become good friends to me even though I don't "see" you I apologise to those I have been posting too and trying to help when I can...I know you will understand though that sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do for the M and your S.

Hugz,
Zoo