Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

Wife did cancel the training in Chicago, and rescheduled in Milwaukee, which means it's just an hour there and an hour back, so no overnight. I think she did it for me, but she never said it, and just sent me an email with the hotel cancellation, saying 'for what it's worth'.

Last night, we might have had a step forward. After supper, which she made for the kids, and there was a little left for me (she's not a good cook, and never makes supper for me in our 15 years of marriage), I ate, and then she talked for a few minutes, asking me if I responded to our counselor/pastor's invitation to meet again on Friday this week. I said I did reply, and would be willing to meet, but now I'm really thinking that I don't want to meet up with him anymore.

This threw her for a loop. I simply explained my boundary again -"I will not live in an open marriage". This statement was followed by, "If you can't make the commitment to breaking off all conversation with OM, I feel like we're wasting our pastor's time, as well as our own'. I then left the room, and went downstairs. I've been sleeping outside the bedroom, as the pastor mentioned it's probably a good thing to stay apart for a while.

I hear you saying to me - but SHE's the one who cheated - you should kick her out of the bedroom. Yes, I agree, but with my addiction, we both technically 'cheated', and so I'm more forgiving on this point, and I'm fine sleeping anywhere. It's a stickler for her, which is contrary to most EA/PA's. Plus, when the dog whimpers in the morning, she has to take him out, as he's crated in our MBR.

Tomorrow will be the first time that she will be alone, without me or the kids, as I pick them up from her parent's place mid-day and spend Thanksgiving with my parents, without her. I think, I hope, that it serves as a wake-up call for her.

I'm happy to go to counseling, but the cold-turkey approach to ending the EA is a non-negotiable for me. It's the only way for her to start the grieving process, get over the EA, and start to heal our marriage.

Also, a couple of positives:

I'm on my 4th week of working out in the morning! I know I've lost some weight, but hesitate to continue to scale-watch. I know I'm down 20 lbs, and probably more. Up at 5AM/6AM every morning running or walking.

Can do 4 sets of 20 situps, working on getting to 100 situps.

Stretching during the day, every day.

Reading the Good Book every day.

No TV, reading No more mr. nice guy, love and respect, soon to read DR (in the mail still... grr)

Did you know you can get samples of cologne at the major dept. stores? I didn't! Picked up quite a few. My faves so far: Polo Red, Michael Kors, the ONE by Dolce & Gabbana, and Chanel Allure Hom Sport. Trying others as well, but settled on these 4 for now.

Anyone have other colognes I need to try?

I agree. B/c a WW will play these little games. Okay, she cooked the first mean in 15 yrs and thinks that merits the right to talk to OM (just as a example). If you give one little inch, they will definitely take a mile. So, yes, you tell her no open M means no talking or listening at OM, No reading emails or texts (b/c they try to get around what you mean).

Good job!

Thanks, Sandi.

The counselor this morning reinforced that my boundary was fair and appropriate. That felt good to hear.

I've always been the talker when we've had to discuss the marriage. Diarrhea of the mouth. I'm trying to be pithy with my comments, and being ok with her reaction (not trying to re-read her), and moving on.

Need to spend more time with the kids. One goal of mine I'm bouncing around is to devote a half hour to each kid each week. To be 'in the moment', whether that be playing tea party with the 7 year old, watching my 14 year old draw and/or play a game with her, and helping my 12 year old help me fix things around the house, as he's a smart kid, just has a bit of his dad's laziness. A focus to make it happen, not just to see IF it happens. The time I've spent with them so far in the last month has paid dividends. Get a lot more 'I love you dad!' as they head out of the house in the morning to school. Makes my heart go pidder-padder.

Update time.

Wife and I met up with counselor/pastor. While she has cut off contact, she sees no reason to unfriend him on Facebook or to not have contact with him.

She is definitely trying to be one step in/one step out of the marriage, and even made a complaint to the counselor that I'm not spending much time around her... So she's noticed, but she just isn't understanding her actions, and the hurt they've cost me, and ultimately, her. I even told her part of me now doesn't want to see the marriage work, as she's not really willing to put her whole heart into reconciliation. My needs out of the marriage were always there, I just never vocalized them. I told her that we'd BOTH have to work at changing our behaviors, and that it's doable. She's not willing - yet - to make those changes.


We're going to see a pops concert on Sat. night - should be interesting.

Why? What changed?



Well, I am very disappointed in the Pastor.



I cannot understand why the Pastor is using secular assessments in this situation. She has said she is not willing to end the EA. I think I saw earlier where she wasn't willing to save the M.....so what is the point in all this counseling and assessments? If she is not going to be required to do anything she doesn't like......what's the point?



Do you really think she'll spend the night in the same city and not be with him?



She's had no need to figure anything out. She's got it made. She has all the advantages of home & marriage, plus she gets to play single too.



Why wait until she meets up with him? And, what does dropping the hammer mean? Blowing up and getting angry at her? Telling her off? What good will it do?

A WW learns the hard way. She has to be faced with loss and reality, due to her waywardness. She has to be faced with consequences. What consequences has she had? You even started sleeping in the bed with her. What has she lost, b/c of the A?

Trumpet
Jump all over Sandi's advice. No more Mr nice guy. It's a lot easier to say than do but us nice guys are being taken advantage of and disrespected.

LISTEN TO EVERY WORD SANDI SAYS. READ ALL HER POSTS.

Thanks for the advice, guys. Should have listened to you sooner.

She's been willing to TRY, but no commitment. She says she'll take it 'day by day'... for whatever that means.

Caught her last week looking at an apartment in our neighborhood, she apologized and we moved on. I caught her again this morning with an email she sent to someone who is listing a 3 bdrm apt that is 20 minutes away, asking to see it ASAP. When confronted, she got mad that I would accuse her (typical), then apologized and said she was 'scared'. I mentioned any trust and respect built up over the last 2 sessions with our pastor/counselor just went out the window.

By the end of of conversation, I told her she's welcome to explore the apartment, but the kids are staying in the same district, under the same roof we were standing under.

I still have no access to her emails, texts, or Facebook. She says since she's at a law firm, she can't give me access, since it would break client priviledge.

The pastor sent me a text last night that he wanted to talk to me privately. I did let the wife know, but no clue what it's in regards to. He did mention during our session that wife was overtly hostile towards me, and that I wasn't reflecting any hostility. I'll be meeting up with him on Friday.

Should I continue to ask her to find a different place? She's not talking with the OM (As far as I can tell), and she's going through withdrawl symptoms - can't sleep at night, looks strung out, not working out, not eating well, very short with kids and I...

Also, my 14 year old D did finally blow her lid at mom - with mom being angry at everyone, she let mom know that she's blowing it, and did the confrontation with all of us in the room. Of course, wife pointed to me as she stormed out, blaming me. The daughter has only drawn her own conclusions to her mother's behavior, and I was actually happy to see someone besides me calling her out. I comforted the daughter, listened, and was there for her. She was able to feel better in about 15 minutes.
The sad thing is that my wife mentioned it this morning, only to again blame me for her daughter's outburst.

Wife did mention she will NOT leave by my asking, only under her decision, and the kids would be coming with her. The kids obviously don't want to move. I'd hate to get them involved, but how do I get the wife to move out?

I feel I'm still really new at this and looks like I'm heading into D but I don't believe there is a "TRY" There is either do or do not.

she is shopping. don't be surprised if you catch her again.

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS! go see a L. They will often give you an hour for free in order to try to earn your future business. I wouldn't tell the W but it is important you know your rights. In my state she would not be able to just take the kids.

she will continue to blame you for everything. Do not be surprised by this. They do not want to accept responsibility for what have done or are doing. However, you do not have to accept this blame. It is not your fault.

I think again it's important to remember "do not believe anything she says and only half of what she does"

This is probably true regarding a work email or work cell phone but I would highly doubt it's true with regards to personal email, personal cell phone and facebook.

If it is she may need to leave the job in order to earn your trust back. Unless she's an attorney then there really wouldn't be a point in her leaving but she would have to regain your trust in many other areas.