Hi Rottz, thanks for reading my novel! yes, that's a good idea, and I think that may be something that would help "advance my cause", certainly less predictable would be a good idea (even my kids say I'm predictable! )
I read "the novel," too, and I have a lot of the same problems as you do with DB/DRing. I tend to pursue and be clingy and dependent. I have gotten better, but it is definitely a process. I am going to hang around your thread and we can beat this thing together!
My goal is to detach, detach, detach! My H has been coming home at nights...but I see the need to not ASSume he will continue to do so. No calls or asking if he is! Just do my thing when I come home from work, and let the chips fall where they may!
My H had an OW as well, but that is over now (as far as I know). I understand where you are coming from with that part - detachment almost kills you when someone else is involved. But you are doing GRRRReat! Keep it up! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Hi Myrrh, thanks for the input....I'll hang on your thread too! beating this thing together sounds great to me. an OP certainly challenges detaching....sometimes the urge to rush in physically swinging is there! I so appreciate your encouragement. I know what you mean about the ASSumptions...they can sure trip us up...I hope and pray and want to trust that H is being upfront about not seeing the OW, but I'm afraid.... although I have to say, against my better judgement somewhat, i'm starting to think maybe he is telling the truth this time....something is just "different", I cant put my finger on it, except that he is a lousy liar, and gets a "crinkly" look around his mouth and eyes when he's being untruthful, (I've know this guy for 27 years) and it isn't there now. He's not aware of this expression, so I don't believe he has control over it.
It was interesting last night at S's religion class, poor kid saw OW, I didnt except as I walked by her car in parking lot. S said she smiled at him, S gave her a dirty look and then she stopped smiling, but commented it was "kind of a sad smile, a "you're my friend arent you smile" and not the silly smirk she has when she's been with Dad". I was shocked, and said "what, you can tell when they've been together?", and S said "well yeah, sure, she gets this goofy silly smirk". Blew my mind. S is too perceptive for his own good.
Wow, S sure is perceptive. Don't the spouses know this hurts their kids?
At least my H had the sense to totally keep the R with OW out of the home. The one and only time she called him at home was the time I "caught" him in his lie.
I feel that your H is done with OW, because you are going to succeed, and it can't happen with her around. You are working so hard.
Definitely, stop being so predictable. Don't you think that's what H saw in OW? Challenge, chance of being caught, someone not predictable. I think in your sitch it is the case because he was so stupidly open with it that you and S knew about it. So, be that OW, challenging, new, exciting. You can do it.
hey Rottz, thanks, yeah, I'm gonna work on being more unpredictable...I do think that would be a big plus for me, I know H has felt his life was boring in a lot of ways (so is/was mine, darn it!) yeah, S is such a perceptive kid, its almost like he's psychic, I have always thought that. you know the little kid in "6th sense" with Bruce Willis? unfortunately that kid reminds me of S... OOOOHHHHH how I hope H is not seeing OW though.
One thing that REALLY po'd me about this whole thing is that H had S involved in this whole mess until I found out. He would take S camping, and they would stop and pick up OW and her D, and H would take S to visit....needless to say, S spilled the beans, that's how I found out, and the proverbial S--t hit the proverbial fan! Took me a long time to convince poor S that he did nothing wrong, think he finally gets it now though! I really could have done physical harm to H & OW for that. They both damn well know better! ok, now that I've vented, I'm gonna do some thinking on being challenging, new exciting....think think think......
WHAT THE! WHO THE! WHAT THE! What the heck was that idiot thinking? (Sorry, don't mean to call names.) 1. Damage they could have done to the kids psychologically. To the way the kids grow up feeling and believing about marriage. 2. The fact that - DUH - kids can't keep secrets.
Sounds to me like H definitely wanted to get caught. Or else thinks you are incredibly stupid.
Gotta get back to work, but I've been thinking, maybe I'm kind of less predictable in being a little "naughtier" if you get my drift....H used to complain about my boring undies (i'm even more blunt in what I say now) so I decided to be just a notch or 2 "hotter" to start out with. Got new undies, lower cut tops, lost some weight (still trying), cut & colored hair, H has never said a word except to make a few comments about undies. But in the last 2 weeks, I've noticed several guys I don't know looking at me, and they weren't bad either. That's different, so H must have to notice. I chuckling here, it's kind of naughty but as I went through the the check out at the grocery store last week, I noticed the guy behind the register was making a very pointed effort to keep his eyes on my face. I thought that was weird (seen that guy a million times) and then as I was pushing the cart out I noticed there was a little more "cleavage" showing than I was aware of....so I'm still laughing. I don't want to look like a tramp, but I don't want to look like a frumpy old lady either. I did get my dress for D's wedding, (4 sizes smaller! yes!) and I think it looks kinda sexy in a sophisticated way... maybe H notices the physical stuff a little. Actually a couple of months ago he commented on the weight loss, so he must. Still gotta be more unpredictable in other ways. I havent responded to his email today......
yep, I know....idiot....I can't believe he thought I was that stupid.....5 months before he ever admitted it, I think about the time everything started, I confronted him with who it was, everything; he denied it and denied it and got really angry, but I'll never forget the look on his face, I knew then I'd hit the bullseye, and then kind of let him talk me out of it. I don't know what the heck he thought....Nobody can be that dumb....D even knew & knew who it was from her own deductive reasoning before he admitted it or I said anything. DUUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBB.
Yeah and they both know better....especially H.....My god we both work w/kids who are going through this...what, he thinks it applies to all kids but his? Ok, more venting there..... They're pretty lucky I didnt choke them, though!
I found this on BoldnBeautifuls thread today, I was so excited, it almost describes my h to a "t". I know this is long but thought I would post it here for my own benefit in thinking out whats going on w/h. I feel like it applies even though he's never left home.
True reconnection will not begin to take place until the near the end of withdrawal--going into acceptance. The spouse in crisis will begin to disassociate himself/herself w/the replay antics, i.e., new friends, drinking, etc. They will begin to dress and act like the people you once knew. They will begin to smile a bit and look you in the eyes as well. This will not occur all at once--it's very gradual. He/she will begin to gradually take an interest in their surroundings. They will start to make real contact w/co-workers, old friends (prior to mlc) and begin to take up the hobbies that they once loved. The contact w/their respective parents and family will be noticeable first. Contact w/them will become more frequent and slowly they will begin to take more interest in their children. Their interest in the pets will begin again. As they start to move deeper into the reconnection, they will then begin to take notice of their former homes and you, the spouse will be the last. I have never understood it, but we are the first in the disconnection an the last for reconnection. The mlcer may find excuses to come to your home or meet w/you to discuss trivial issues. Generally they come around to see where your head and heart are at regarding them. They may even sit down w/you and toss out feelers about some of the things that they have done just to test your reactions. They may even ask you if you have someone new your life. Whatever they ask you, please be honest w/them, but in a very calm way. This is the most frustrating step in the crisis. This is where many of us will and have screwed up. At this step, you are the one that will either make the marriage or toss it aside. This is the time where your mlcer will be testing you to the max to see if you are going to accept him/her for who they are and for what they've done.
Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e, in making a decision as to returing home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend.
This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. There will be many times when something breaks or doesn't go right, and they will feel guilty and suggest that they move back out. If you love this person and want them back by your side, do not encourage them to leave again. You will need to reassure them, just as you would a hurt child. I know, it's insane, but this is what you must do.
I hesitated about putting the last paragraph, but thought it important--the timelines are scary. When they do come home, it's a whole new ball game.
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