Take Sandi's advice - its very tough love and honestly, not for the weak at heart. It took me a long time to realize just how valuable her advice is and honestly at the time I was too weak to hear it. As the others have said after her, keeping up with the same behavior won't cause her to change. Think of it as how you would deal with a child - what happens with a child when you keep telling them to stop something or else, but you never do the "or else?" What do they do - keep on doing it! - and what message does that send?
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/19/1503:17 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
As long as OM is still in contact nothing will change. If you want a change then set a boundary of NC, no open marriage, and take an action if it continues. If your W continues then do you really want to be in an open marriage anyway? How long? But that's my way, I take action.
Actions are strong, words are weak, and doing nothing is approval.
I agree 100% trying to learn best ways to take action I suppose and I feel like i should read DR book first. Would it be benifical before trying to take action or what do you guys think? I should be getting it very soon.
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
Take Sandi's advice - its very tough love and honestly, not for the weak at heart. It took me a long time to realize just how valuable her advice is and honestly at the time I was too weak to hear it. As the others have said after her, keeping up with the same behavior won't cause her to change. Think of it as how you would deal with a child - what happens with a child when you keep telling them to stop something or else, but you never do the "or else?" What do they do - keep on doing it! - and what message does that send?
Agreed and i get the idea at this point i havent set a boundary for NC or no Open M. Origonally when i found out I have told her the relationship she was having was in appropriate IMO and she said she would dial it back to freindship zone anyways i explained all this above i guess it just comes down to me setting new boundary around it and following through with action if it continues. Thanks!
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
If the W has said she wants to S or get a D, then you have the perfect opportunity when she asks you why you don't say ILY or kiss her, etc., to give her a truth dart
I want to get back to this statement she had danced around the subject of needing time apart but has not specifically called it S or D. What is this truth dart you talk abou?
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
it just comes down to me setting new boundary around it and following through with action if it continues.
Be careful, the boundary is around YOU not around the behavior.
"Stop talking to OM" is not the same as "I wont be around you while you are talking to OM"
If you try something like the first way, then she will just rebel against you.
Ive been reading up alot about boundries and difference between them and being controlling i think im getting a better grip on it. Makes sence your example. Thanks
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
If the W has said she wants to S or get a D, then you have the perfect opportunity when she asks you why you don't say ILY or kiss her, etc., to give her a truth dart
I want to get back to this statement she had danced around the subject of needing time apart but has not specifically called it S or D. What is this truth dart you talk abou?
What is the difference here?
Also, a truth dart is a few words you can say when she asks you something ridiculous. Im way too wordy to give you good examples. But basically, when she asks you why you dont kiss her anymore, you tell her that you dont kiss people in relationships with other people. Or something like that.
Agreed no differance think i get the idea. What does it matter if shes asked for S or D. Otherwise you wouldnt want to use thw truth dart?
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
What does it matter if shes asked for S or D. Otherwise you wouldnt want to use thw truth dart?
No....I think they are always good to use. But the more laughable the situation, the easier it is. You know, if you are piecing the relationship back together, then you should listen to her questions and complaints. But if shes filed for divorce and is mad you dont kiss her anymore, it becomes easy to fire those darts.
