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JPEG I feel for you because I am too dreading Xmas as it'll be the first one without H, but you know what I have decided to put in action some plan that I'm going to do with my kids. This year I'm going to make more special as ever for them because before I was very careful not to go over the top. My MIL got buried a week before Xmas day. This year H isn't going to be in the house, so I won't need to walk on eggshell. I actually looking towards that!

Hi Jpeg. I just read this thread and have a rough idea of what your up against. I can't give you advice or opinion about how to manage your husband. I have no experience with that. My wife is in the same house, mentally checked out and there is no OM.

Where my efforts have been focused are on me. I am trying to improve myself so that I am the best version of myself possible. I chose this path after trying to work it out with my wife. The more I tried the more she pulled away. I realized that I can only effect change on myself.

In your case, it seems to me that the most productive use of you time is to focus and work to improve yourself. Next year I will know my wife 30 years, we are also married 26 years and my wife is your age. We are contemporaries. I understand where you are and what's at stake. I think about the same things every day. The path that has helped me the most is to reduce my attachment to/on my wife. It is working and making a difference. The change has not been fast but somewhat steady.

Start with attachment issues Jpeg. Be strong, be well

Thanks mutatio- I appreciate your input. You write with much thought and intention. It is inspirational to read some of your posts. I am really not too sure how to "work on me" having a full time job, 5 kids and a dog keeps me busy - sometimes this is good but other times I feel like my life is passing me by.

I have not been successful with detaching from H. Being together 33 years he is very much a part of me and he cut me off/out cold turkey Just now he is texting me and I want to answer but all the advice I am getting is saying not to It is very hard.

The kids and I are going to go to a movie tonight. Is that considered GALing??? Or do I have to do things on my own?

So GB how do I handle Christmas? Tradition is morning with his family. His family has been so supportive of me. Insisting that I come to everything. I have been part of that family for 33 years.

Hi Rouky. I am not dreading Christmas this year. It is my second Christmas without H. Last Christmas I was in deep deep mourning could barely function. BD had just happened and i had thought surely he would come back for the Holidays We still talked all the time and we followed our usual traditions. I asked him to do all the shopping for the kids because i couldn't go to malls and see all the joy and excitement of family's, and hear the joyful music etc. it was a horrible horrible time.
I don't feel that way this year so that's something!

See your mind is already trying to discover ways and times you just have to spend moments in the presence of WH.

You tell your in-laws that you'd really like to spend some time with them but only outside the presence WH. You aren't necessarily asking them to not allow WH to come over or disinvite him (though that would be really nice if they did choose you over WH and if you were my daughter in law that is exactly what would happen), you can be understanding that he is their son but that you only want to be there IF and when WH isn't. If he is there all day Christmas Day you just don't go over....go do some GAL stuff and don't sweat it. Create a new tradition (which will be your tradition should you not recover your marriage). Just give your inlaws your apologies and hopefully you'll be there next year - it's just not healthy for you RIGHT NOW.

You can stop by another day for a Christmas visit. It's likely your kids don't really want to spend time with WH either (which would be their choice but they are free to choose to adopt your plan as well - THEY are in charge of their relationship with your WH, not you).

This is all to be done without really talking about WH with anyone - kids or inlaws. If you visit it would also be on the condition that you are trying to heal and maintain a healthy disconnect and distance from WH and you tell everyone that you have no desire to discuss WH at all. Especially your inlaws - you want to look great and talk about what you are doing and plan to do. IF they report back to WH about you it'll be that you are looking happier and healthier than they've seen you appear in a long time and that WH better straighten out or lose you forever. This puts more pressure on OW to meet ALL his needs and make him fully secure that his choice to destroy and completely lose his relationship with you and his kids - OW can't do that and he becomes miserable and YOU slowly grow more confident, happy and attractive completely separate from you and the ONLY way he can even see you or speak to you is by dumping OW.

Full circle - your mind will tell you "that's unfair - how come you have to sit out the holidays with inlaws" and try to trick you into rationalizing and justifying just one little contact. Maybe you'll think "It's Christmas - the holiday isn't about me but about celebrating Jesus - what would Jesus do?" .... You aren't Jesus. You are a betrayed wife that has put up a good fight for over a year that has taken a drastic toll on you both physically and emotionally. Self care is the priority for now. Right now...and for the time being...YOU matter most - your story is not longer about your WH and OW. Don't talk about them - Don't relate to them - Don't even look upon them. If he or they try to intrude in your life just immediately pack up and leave. WH's don't necessarily play by the rules and even if his parents, for example, tell him not to come over from say 11-2 pm, he'll show up anyway. Leave your purse in the car, park your car where is can't be blocked in, keep your car keys on you and IMMEDIATELY exit out the back door. Literally escape. Don't give him another piece of you UNTIL he meets your boundary.

Finally - going anywhere is a risk. You can't control other people. This is your boundary....but a boundary is just a fence around your property. Anyone can hop over your fence at any time and all isn't lost. Your WH could follow you or stalk you down in the grocery store or gym while your GAL'ing. You just go out pick up your fence, keep your mouth shut or reiterate, "I'll only speak to you once you dump your paramour" then exit immediately. Don't let him force his way through your boundary or LIE and act like he's gotta have a serious talk to you about something - he's had his chance to talk it through and cry it out - you are no longer his shoulder to cry upon - his choices are clear - if he wants you (and to a large extend, his kids who may model your appropriate boundary) then he needs to end his affair.

Ok GB. That is what we did at Thanksgiving. I hosted his family without him. Kids did not want to see him. But did want to see their cousins and grandparents. It was nice. H of course told people that he opted out of coming because it would be too awkward - he wasn't invited- but he didn't tell anyone that!
Just don't know how to do the gift exchange - the cousins pick names and exchange gifts in morning when we all go to IL s house - drop them off earlier in the week?

Hi J, I hope you enjoyed your day.

You said "I am really not too sure how to "work on me" having a full time job, 5 kids and a dog keeps me busy - sometimes this is good but other times I feel like my life is passing me by."

The first thing you need to do is stop thinking about him some of the time. When your at work, focus on work. When your with your children, lose yourself in them. Your dog is a great distraction, learn from the dog. Dogs always stay in the present moment. The past is just a thought, dwelling there changes nothing. The future is just a thought, it is okay to prepare for the future but it is still just a thought. There is only now. Train your mind to stay present moment.

You said "The kids and I are going to go to a movie tonight. Is that considered GALing??? Or do I have to do things on my own?"

Of course that is GAL activity. Start doing things with the kids. Go to a museum, nature walk, music event, theater, library, things like that. Go on a date with one of the kids and leave the rest at home. Later on you could get a babysitter and go out with a friend, have coffee, take a class, yoga, play bridge, something like that.

I know it's hard to detach I live it everyday. I love my wife and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I get where your coming from, I have 30 years of history with this woman. What my thinking has evolved to is this. I love her and want her to be happy. If the only way she can be happy is to be apart from me, so be it. I am not taking a hostage or holding a prisoner. I can still love her, I just will not be able to share my life with her. It's sad for me but it's not all about me.

Be strong Jpeg,be well

Invite the cousins and everyone (including in-laws) to stop by your house for dessert in the afternoon or evening followed by a gift exchange - this saves you and your kids the anxiety of worrying about WH stopping by or disrupting "your time" at the in-laws house. Or - make your own Christmas eve event.

As sad as it sounds - maybe just this year let the kids go on their own and exchange gifts with their cousins and give their father the silent treatment all on their own (it can't be your fault if you aren't there). Whether you go next year is a bridge you cross later. Your kids and maybe a few cousins AND anyone in your family that can make it should come to your house Christmas day after that - and you can spend the day preparing some fantastic desserts of visiting YOUR family. Then...maybe invite your inlaws (and family) over Sat. the 26th or for New Years Eve.

I get the feeling your family might be far away - I would be really great if someone kicked in the money to fly you (and as many of the kids as they can) to them. Nothing better for WH than to learn his entire family is just gone for the holidays. Y'all can turn off your phones all day too....conveniently make it a no-electronics day.

Thanks Mutatio - I think I have achieved that level of detachment. I remember going to a movie this time last year and having the feeling of complete and utter hopelessness not wanting to be seen by anyone. Sitting through the movie feeling dread and despair and sadness. Even though I was there with my son I felt so alone Every part of being at the threatres and watching preview reminded me of H - I use to love going to movies with H- Now a year later (and i never thought i would survive a year without H) last night at the movies with the kids I didn't think of H at all

My kids are all over 18. So I don't have to worry about a babysitter. Just the motivation to go out. This weekend for example my sister invited me to go watch her H sing in a nightclub. I don't want to go if it is going to be couples. That make me feel crappy - reminds me that I am not part of a couple - I have been part of a couple for 33 years (I know I keep referencing that but it's almost my whole life - we have been together since we were 18) and we were a fantastic couple! Now my H is telling people we never should have been together - he is rewriting our entire history - it is beyond painful