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^^^^^help^^^^^^^^^

Betsey, of course you are right, but I am so much in the state of mind to go home and jump his case tonight....playing dumb just drives me up the wall. Help!!!!I guess playing dumb is what I have to keep doing....Do you see enough positives in my sitch for me to keep going, or does it look so bleak I should just throw in the towel?

What really makes me crazy is feeling like all the baby steps are nothing....absolutely nothing,just to throw me off track and make it easier for him to keep on with her....

I don't have my head on straight enough right now to even see if there are any positives to be seen in this sitch.....he seems warmer, we seem closer, than last summer, to me, but it must just be an act on his part.....

Deb,

There are usually lots of positives when we're in a position to look for them.

Even if there weren't, how are you helping you? Have you read BoldNBeautiful's thread? I don't need to repeat advice that she got from others, which might be good for you too.

Hugs,

Betsey

this is weird, I remember reading it yesterday, I don't even remember what people told her.......what is it called? maybe I'll try to catch some of it again...I do remember she was having a really hard time.....

Hi Deb,

We are exactly at similar stage. I was down two days before, then felt better, then down again yesterday, today picked myself up! This is tougher than the first stages of DBing as you are already experiencing. This will really test our patience, yeah.

Hang in there, I am too. Things also look bleak for me, but all hope is not lost. I've done lots of things which I am not proud of, didnt listen to people's advise but I am still moving strong and not yet throw in the towel. I've told him my feelings, my hurt, my analysis of the whole thing, been weak and needy, did that work? NOPE! All didnt work. For a while things were great between us was when my PMA is up, no R talks, no snooping and act as if. Whats new? Except that I was too stubborn to listen to people and choose to try it for myself. Yeah I've failed big time!

Continue to be patient. This is killing us I know, what more when our Hs dont seem to get it that we are hurt and breaking to pieces, hang in there....the light at the end of tunnel is dim, but there is light anyway...

Take care..

^^^^^thanks BnB, you are so right. things were interesting last night. I will post in a little bit, and ck your thread^^^^

last night was interesting. I told H that I loved him, wanted him to know that, that I knew about the day, that he didn't have any appts and my belief was they'd again spent the day together...that I didn't know how much longer I could go on living with this. I was proud that I was matter of fact, I didnt cry or yell...just reiterated my position. I didn't tell him I had talked w/attorney.

He got angry that I checked his schedule, (I don't usually do that, this is the 1st time since xmas, I have to say in my defense) said he had the secretary cancel appts and went home sick at 2:30...that he'd emailed one of the staff here over the lunch hour and I could check w/her.

then he said that he wasn't seeing OW anymore, that they were still friends and talked (like that's going to work?) but that he had stopped seeing her, that "she knows we are really working on this", and that "seems to work". I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he said because he was angry at me and he figured my "spies" would tell...He asked if I hadnt noticed how hard he had been trying to do more things w/me and the family....at least I had sense enough to tell him yes, and that it meant a lot to me. H repeated "this seems to work", I asked what he meant, and he said they'd tried being mad at each other and it didn't work, but this seemed to work...

I couldnt believe he wasnt seeing her...asked if I understood right, that he was no longer seeing her but he hadnt told me because he was angry with me, and he said Yes, I thought that was your expectation. so, I guess he got that message.

He talked about how controlling his mother is, and that I can be just like her. I always thought I got a lot of the heat for her! she is incredibly contolling and intrusive (she actually asked me if our birth control didn't work when I got pregnant with our S). although she's been an ally in all this.

He said again how he didn't trust me, and that's part of why he didn't tell me, that he was afraid he'd give her up and tell me that and things would go right back where they had been between us (he's said this before). He mentioned that he guessed neither of us trusted the other. He's sure right on that! He also said "I know she will always be there if this doesn't work out"....nice threat to hold over somebodys head!....

towards the end of the discussion, I went to his chair and put my arms around him, he actually grabbed me and initiated ml...it was great, I don't know why this discussion should/would make him more enthusiastic, but I swear it did. I did tell him he was rewarding bad behavior.

This morning H was pleasant and friendly. I hugged him and kissed him when his alarm went off and he let me & seemed to like it. In the past he's just rushed off to call OW...I'm sure he did this morning, but honestly I have given up paying attention to or worrying about that...(small step for me) i had to come to office for 1/2 day, he kind of hung around in bedroom as I was getting ready & chatted. I told him I would still like to go to his folks w/him if he wanted me to, and he said "if you quit being mean to me"....We had several nice smooches that he reciprocated......he did tell me I was being "totally obnoxious" when I put my hand somewhere, but he said it with a smirk...

So, now I have to struggle with believing him that he isn't seeing her....but that would make a lot of the things that have happened in the last 2 - 3 weeks make sense: his 2 weeks ago monday morning "I Love you and know how much you love me because you've stood by me through this whole thing and I really appreciate that" comment; his asking if I was going to hike this summer and inviting me to do a few things for the 1st time in years, asking if I was still going to get him weights, asking me to take S to Relig. classes, and her looking so angry and upset there and in staff meeting. His sudden efforts at a new job (that would be a big help) It's a huge and scary leap of faith to believe him. But I want to believe he wouldn't tell me he isn't seeing her if it wasn't true; he has been evasive before & alluded that he wasnt, I think back in November, but he had that "lying look" in his eyes.

"being friends" will never work, but I guess I have to also trust that will be worked out in his way and time....she won't wait forever.

So I learned important stuff: he got the message that it can't go on this way forever, and he cares enough to make an effort on M/R; what I interpreted as efforts on his part to work on things were, which means my perceptions are pretty accurate. I believe from the timing of things happening that the email I sent him (the semi-mushy one) was helpful.
Somehow I have to learn to trust him and help him trust me...not sure how to do that...he's going to have to help me there... that's really really hard for me at this point...any tips/hints/threads/postings here?
Obviously, he is very vulnerable and fragile emotionally....I never in all these years realized how incredibly so he is. And he's incredibly sensitive to what he perceives as attempts by important women in his life to be controlling...so I gotta use that info in relating to him...as Bill's said about his W, he's like one of those candies with the hard shell on the outside and the soft squishy center.

it's so strange to me, some of the best times ml we've had in years come after these kinds of discussions. I think this makes 4 or 5 times. The difference is in him not me, and I can't figure it out. maybe somehow he perceives that I still want him (accurately) in spite of all this, and that has something to do with it. Who knows.

any body see any conclusions here I've overlooked?
Any tips on how to proceed now?

I guess the really hard work, the true 'piecing" can maybe begin now...perhaps my jump here wasn't so premature after all

I think I need to set some new R goals, and still stay focused on my personal goals, I can't lose myself again.

a positive note on that front though: this morning I put on a dress that I couldnt even get into last summer. It is huge on me! S11 is also telling me all my pants/jeans are so big they look like "clown pants".

I posted on your other thread too, but wa-hoo on the weight loss!! I've been on the "husband left me and I have no appetite" diet & exercise program for the past two months and when I went to try on clothes yesterday, most of the size 8s were too big! It's a good feeling!!!!

yes, it feels so good to lose weight...I am determined to loose more and KEEP it off....yesterday at in-laws, I saw a scary picture of a fat, frumpy old lady; of course it was me...frankly I wouldnt want to be married to her either. So I'm determined that shes gone for good, and If I'm lucky enough to get to be old someday, my goal is to be an old red hot mama!

I get the impression as I think about H that he's been pretty bored with his life, esp. me, and that contributed to his A....so I need to give thought to how to keep things spiced up.

I'll post a quick weekend-update, similar to whats on the other thread.

I should be overjoyed, but it's almost over shadowed by shock and fear. yesterday we went to in-laws, cut wood all day, we all worked together on that, and I swear H split wood like a mad man....swung the ax for hours. then FIL, H & 2 BIL's took S & nephews for target practice, I went with the "guys" and we had a good time....something I havent done for 15 or 20 years. H actually initiated ML again, I was shocked after he cut wood all day that he wouldn't be too tired, but happy about it. This morning we went to church together (something else we've only done a few times in the last 3 or 4 mos.after not doing it for years) and H says he is staying home today, not going to do PaperWork! Oh, my heart is so scared! but it's so nice....he's making plans to have a movie and fire in the fireplace tonight.

I get the feeling he's trying very hard to keep himself busy...and somehow he kind of reminds me of some one who's trying to give up smoking. S even commented that he's distant. I have to say though that he's been considerate and concerned and seemingly sincere w/me.

I just am so afraid my heart will get broken again....and kind of overwhelmed at all that still lies ahead.to really But the day he puts his wedding ring back on will be one of the happiest in my life...I just pray we get there..

I am going to need lots of ideas for ways to "spice things up", the Keeping Love Alive and sexual issues I guess. I have a feeling that H is starting to get on board, even if it's small still, and I believe that will help. Hope and pray my interpretation is accurate on that!