Hi Betsey....thank you thank you for your input! I feel so out in left field as far as the emotional/thinking processes that someone in an A must be having....
Quote: only because I felt that being miserably married to Mr. Wonderful was not an option anymore, and I found someone who valued me from a variety of perspectives.
that is almost word for word what my H has said....
I believe in my heart that things are much better between us...I havent asked him how he feels in a effort to avoid R talks as much as I can, but he SEEMS much, much more content and is certainly warmer and more pleasant to me. I hope that is because he's happier in our M; I don't think those things can be faked.
I have trouble with patience, waiting for him to end the A and tell me it's over so we can get on with the process of working on the M together. You mentioned your H was about to WA....Did he give you an ultimatum? Obviously you had already decided you wanted to reconcile by that time if he did....
Just want to say I've read your posts to other people before and find them to be really good input.
Quote: ...feel sorry for her poor dumb pitiful a$$ because she sold her moral core, her dignity, her self respect and esteem to have hidden moments with another woman's man and in the process KNEW that SHE was tainted not special. SHE could have been anyone and I mean absolutely anyone that willingly made themselves available to man lost in pain and confusion. She's NOT someone to envy, in fact, she's someone to pity for her extremely desperate and low self esteem.
WOW! What an emotional and simply awesome post, T2.
Even though I rarely think about or am jealous of OW, you have boosted my PMA permanently about my OW sitch. Thank you! I think you are so right.
Actually, it WAS Mr. W. who walked out. He didn't give me an ultimatum. By the time he told me, his mind was already made up and he had been out looking for apartments.
He's still living in one, though he has now told me he doesn't want to D...
When I was ready to walk out, I took a trip by myself to clear my head. Something about leaving town makes me see things better. I realized that my soul hurt beyond belief, and it would be wiser for me to work on myself rather than leave.
I had entered IC 2 months before, but hadn't opened up to her to the point where she could really help me. I was in IC for nearly a year, and it really helped. I finally got a handle on why I felt so awful and hopeless... much of it had to do with grieving that I had not taken the time to do.
We have a developmentally disabled D7, and were so busy fighting fires with her medical problems that we didn't take the time to nurture each other or ourselves. I believe that he didn't even know he needed to grieve to feel better.
You can only change yourself and how you see things. That's what I've spent the past 15 months doing. I realize that it's going to take a whole lot of patience to watch him go through the stuff I went through 2 years ago, but I imagine it will be worthwhile.
Hopefully, your H will end his A and take the time to realize and understand that running doesn't address the problem that is still present: him.
Take care and keep up the great work!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
hmmmm....interesting. I REALLY have to find some patience here some where! I want it all "fixed" by three months ago last Tuesday!!!! One thing I find fascinating is the common threads that run through all our sitchs. I'm know it can't compare w/a child with a Developmental Disability, but both our kids had some health problems when they were little and other differences that made parenting a real challenge...we were also always "putting out fires", on too little sleep and with little outside support, and let our R get moved to the bottom of the priority heap. I'm looking for an IC....not lots to choose from and it's more complicated because H is a counselor...hope to get that going for myself soon. H would never consider it.... oh well.
H has never told me he wants a D or to move out....he just sneaks around w/OW! He has said that things were going to change is his life big time (meaning our R) or ELSE....I havent heard that for several mos...The last thing I heard was 2 weeks ago when I "lost it" and confronted him (again) about OW, and he cried and said "don't you think I am hurt and disappointed and want this to work out too"? whatever that means, but a change in tone from "things are going to change big time or else". I guess at the very least he figures he has my attention now!
i don't know if it's been posted on this thread, but just a week ago this morning he told me ILY unsolicited, and said that he knew how much I loved him because I had "stood by me through all this and I really appreciate it". Last Wed. evening he said "I thought this would help you feel more at ease and that's why I'm doing it" in regard to asking me to take S to relig. ed classes where he's always met up w/OW...
As I said, these things make me feel deep down that we will make it, but the journey seems so incredibly long with no "destination" in sight, and sometimes I feel so tired! Sometimes all I can focus on is trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it sure helps to have input from others on whether my feet are pointed n the right direction! Deb
I am currently resisting the temptation to print this off and put it in her office mail box.....not that it would accomplish anything other than letting me feel like I got in a punch....... Lord she irritates me.....saw her going into work this am, she's just so "cocky" ( I guess that's the word) and sure of herself I would like to throw up on her shoes. which frankly could be a possiblity if I got close enough, my reaction to her is that strong.... I guess I just need to work on at least looking as cocky and sure of myself....ACT AS IF I believe it's called.
Way to go Debcb. I see it as a positive step that H had you go to drop off S at church. Seems OW was notified that he would not be there. What a great big mess she will find herself in when she sees that you are a hot mama that your H can't resist. Act as if, because it IS as if for you. You have come so far, and this is good stuff. H is opening up to you again. Good luck.
Oh, I hope Rotzilla!!! I feel deep down like he's starting to open up, but then I grasp at straws like nobody's business, so I'm never sure how accurate my perceptions are. I see I havent posted a "weekend update" here so maybe I'll try to do that an see what all these great Piecers make of it!
this is an update from the weekend, of stuff that happened. I would love any input anybody has to share! positives, negatives, things I could/should do differently....
from another post, I have an image of an angel sitting on one shoulder telling me I should see baby steps happened this weekend: --Sat. -- H "chatted" all the way home from hometown (1.5 hours) in evening....used to be mostly quiet --Sun. --H thanked me for making pancakes and omelets for brunch at his request...said they were perfect and great (seldom comments or expresses appreciation) --Came home from "paper work" (ow, I believe), seemed upset because he didn't think kids and I were home (we were actually in living room, just being very quiet). He went looking through house for us. --I was really chilled for some reason, covered up in blankets, H said "let me get this fire going for you right now" and started the fireplace immediately...as soon as he had come into living room. He told me to stay there by the fire and he would go out & feed animals (he's usually so set on doing things a certain way according to his routine that he won't deviate "come hell or high water" --I told him I had missed him while he was gone and he hugged me and said "well I'm home now" --H commented that it was nice to have future son in law there again....usually he's withdrawn, uninvolved, almost cold... --H sat beside me on sofa when we watched a movie...this is a first, and there were other seats available. He got up several times to stir the fire, get a drink, etc., and came back to sofa each time...could have used those times to move to his usual chair --I wanted to be friendly but "nonchalant", so didn't put my arm around him or anything. I did rest my hand on his thigh partway through and he left it there...he's been known to move or move my hand. --H actually kind of held my hand during the movie...entertwined his fingers in mine and left them there...actually, that is handholding for him...he didnt even do that much eons ago when we were dating. --I got an email from H at lunch time today asking how my day was going, nothing mushy, but just the "how's your day" emails on a regular basis are new within last 2 - 3 mos, and pretty regular. It is still confusing for me because I can't identify anything at all that I did differently to bring any of this on. Does this mean that what I've routinely been doing for the last couple of months is working, that I need to just keep on rather than keep looking for new things to do better?
On my other shoulder sits the devil reminding me that: --H calls OW on phone as much as or more than ever; --they exchange mushy emails at work while I'm happy that he even emailed to ask how my day is going --they phone each other at work, mushy conversations, I'm sure --H slept really well last nite after not sleeping for quite a while. A really nasty little voice in the back of my mind keeps saying its because he spent yesterday afternoon madly & passionately ml w/ow, and that sitting next to me and holding hands, etc, is just from guilt (we didn't ml last night....both of us just went to sleep!) Nasty little devil reminds me that I didnt do anything to bring out more "good stuff" so it has to just be that he's doing it from guilt, because there's nothing I can do....
So, I guess this Momma needs some thoughts from others __ what do you all see here -- to stay on the "morphing into hot" track!
A couple of weeks ago, I found something I didn't know what to think about... --Sat. afternoon (3/6, this would have been), we had some confrontations (if you want sordid details, they're in newcomers in cheese hunting and blowing off steam 2 & 3)I was so po'd I also snooped in the place where he keeps our naughty polaroid pics. Someone would have gotten hurt if I found the OW's there, but, I was touched, what I found was pics of me from clear back when we were dating and first married....not "nudie" shots, although one was when I remember he ripped back a shower curtain and shocked me, but others were of me in kind of skimpy clothes, and of me holding our daughter, looked like unclothed, when she was a tiny baby. I was so much thinner then, no wonder I'm not as appealing. If only I could get back there overnight. But, he's kept those pics all these years, and put them in with the new ones....I don't know what that means, but he must be trying to stir something up, see if somethings there? I don't know. I was strangely touched though. Do any of you veterans here in piecing have any thoughts on what this might mean? It would seem to me like there's still an emotional connection there...yes/no????why would he still have these and have them hidden in a secret spot?
I don't know, my instincts tell me he's inched a little closer emotionally and the devil on my shoulder is kinda over active. Does it look this way to you "vets"?
